Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
Don't miss these upcoming TV appearances by Avril Lavigne! Her new CD, The Best Damn Thing, comes out April 17th!
Saturday Night Live - April 14th
Good Morning America - April 17th
Late Night with David Letterman - April 17th
Live with Regis and Kelly - April 18th
The Ellen DeGeneres Show - April 20th
TEENick on Nickelodeon - Avril hosts and performs on May 5th and 6th
Tonight Show with Jay Leno - June 15th
"The Garden of Eden was not a place in space, but a place in time. It represents our childhood years, when everything is magical and perfect. Eviction from Eden represents growing up, the natural tendency to be bitten by the hardships and disappointments of life, to calcify and coarsen. The restoration to Eden takes place when we have children, who reintroduce all the lost Eden-like qualities of childhood into our lives."
"Most of us promise ourselves that we will never make the same mistakes as our parents, yet we grow up and almost by osmosis, we start becoming them. We end up transmitting to our children the same imperfections that our parents transmitted to us. It’s a never-ending cycle. And there comes a time in the generational life of a family that one generation has to say, 'Enough, I will be healed so that my children will heal.' Let that generation be us."
"There are no bad children. Only bad parents. When our kids act up, it’s time to look in the mirror."
"Parents need their children far more than children need their parents."
"You are not a hero to the world unless you are first and foremost a hero to your children."
"Have you really been successful if the people who mean the most to you, think the least of you?"
"By being happily married we gift to our children the knowledge that love works, that the world is comprised of pieces of a puzzle that ultimately fit."
"We dare not make money into a commodity by which to purchase self-esteem."
I hate shopping, I'm sure I've said it a million times. One outfit that CAN'T BE WHITE or strapless or sleeveless or even have short sleeves that's appropriate for a garden/evening wedding...I'm not sure it even exists. I've gone back to my pin stripe gray skirt with black lace/mesh layer underneath, possibly a black sweater I have here, possibly a pink embelished cami from victoria's secret, possibly none of the above. I just want to scream! everything is white, short sleeve or sleeveless, or costs a FORTUNE. I've found a few really cute tops but they're white. I found some adorable cropped jackets but they're cap sleeve or $500+. The wedding is in 66 days. I have about three outfits I have to return that looked really cute OFF. I'm crossing my fingers I'll find something before the end of april. Thend of next week would be ideal. I'm keeping a couple things a little longer to try with other things but I have a feeling it's all hopeless. Food is not my friend right now but in 66 days it could become my constant companion (bad news for any new outfits I buy).
I totally am not in a sleeping mood, I'm exhausted though. Last night I only got a couple hours of sleep. Work is really slow because there's little for me to do and I very much dislike filing. It's easier to be with myself when I'm too busy to notice. Everything is inching by very slowly. I'm not hungry but I really want food, any food would do. The more carbs the better. My father's been working from home this week and I'm not enjoying it. He keeps SPEAKING to me. I don't want to see people. I REALLY don't want to converse with my parents, especially since everything they say or ask is something I don't want to listen to or answer. I can't wait for therapy but I also don't want to be told to eat & sleep & leave the house once and a while. I just want to take a pill that helps. Wellbutrin doesn't appear to be that pill. I've tried SO MANY THINGS that caused horrible side effects or didn't work or wore off after a while. I think prozac worked. I know it made me not hungry and I liked that but I was also on seven or eight other things that didn't work or made so completely flat I wasn't depressed but I also wasn't at all happy, there was no energy or "joy" or humor or anything. That was mainly lithium. When I went on that I stopped writing, stopped painting, stopped everything. I just kind of existed. I told them that would happen, I had read about it, but they put me on it anyway. I was in the hospital the first time I believe and I really didn't have a say in that or anything else.
I still wish I could find some miracle cure that would turn my life around, allow me to finish college, even if just through NYU online, and allow me to LEAVE THE HOUSE. It's just not safe out there right now. I'm okay driving, I love driving usually, it's showering and getting ready that's a problem and when I get there is an even biggger problem. All I want to do is run away. In the grocery store I feel like it takes all my energy not to drop everything and run, get back to the safety of my car and my room here. Once I get in my car I can finally breathe again. It's horrible.
I'm so depressed. I'm soooo depressed! I got another dress in today to try for my sister's wedding and it's too big but I feel HORRIBLE in it. It's called a Ballerina Dress by As U Wish. The waist on dress sits at my natural waist and then I have a sash that would tie in the back but both those things combined makes me feel like my stomach is HUGE and the sweaters I got to go over it (it's very low and has spaghetti straps) don't cover my chest unless I button them or hold them closed and they're too long so they cover the sash. I have to wear a sweater though because it's way too much skin showing for me, and I have to at least have 1/2 sleeves because of scars [and I hate my arms]. This is the second dress I've tried, the first was boat neck and a-line from the chest down, but sleeveless and it made me look like I was pregnant or like I was trying to hide something that I don't actually have, it just didn't look good at all. I so just want to go on a liquid diet for the next 70 or so days and then I don't think there'd be any way I could still feel fat. Of course I could never do that, I just don't have the strength but I wish I did. Feeling ... skeletal would at least take away the feeling hideously fat issue. I just feel disgusting. If I can completely cover up and wear clothes that aren't fitted in any way, I might not be totally freaked out the whole time. I don't even have anything that I can just mix & match and make work. I have a skirt that's cute but it's a size seven, lined, and has an ugly bow. A seamstress would have to practially take the whole skirt apart to take it in and remove the bow. I'm so unhappy. I hate shopping because I hate everything that I try on. I can't handle going to a mall because it's just too much but I can see something really cute online and when I try it on, it looks nowhere near how it should look or how I thought it would look. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there until it's all over. I've never just been able to go shopping and find things I liked, I've never been comfortable with the way that I look, no matter how thin I get. Of course the thinner I am the less horrible I feel...I can't imagine ever being content and okay with my size or weight or whatever. Doomed to hate myself I guess. I've been taking wellbutrin for two weeks or so and I don't feel any better so far. I can't get anything done, it just all seems too overwhelming to start, or not at all enjoyable anymore. I wish I could work on a website but it doesn't feel like it could even possibly bring my mood up. It seems like an overwheling task to just decide how to lay everything out. What if no one likes it? Then all that work will have just been a failure. I have to do my taxes, I've put it off for three months and I only have 14 days left. Money really stresses me out. I haven't balanced my checkbook in about two months and I usually do it every month. I'm having trouble sleeping because I want to exercise, I want to get SOMETHING done, and I don't want tomorrow to come. The sooner I go to sleep, the sooner I have to deal with tomorrow. I feel like Thursday is so far away, I'll see my therapist in the morning and then I'm on my own through Sunday, my parents are going to Arizona. I always hate being stuck in my room, hiding from my parents (or anyone else) but when i'm alone, even just for a night, I get a little panicky. Maybe because I know there's no one around, I'm free to do whatever and yet I can't, I still end up curled up in bed most of the time. Despite hating when people are around, always worrying if the footsteps I hear will end up at my door, it's kind of creepy when no one's here, it's quiet and I can hear everything outside and there aren't any window coverings in the family room or hallway or the kitchen so I don't like going out there very often, especially after dark. Only my room has mostly covered windows and my sister might be bringing people up here, maybe not, so I'll worry all weekend if people are going to show up, if I need to be showered and out of bed or whatever. I'm hardly motivated to get out of bed much less prepared for guests. Anyways..
On a less depressing note, I am TRYING to get up the will to design a new site. It will still use Jooma! but it will look more like past sites (according to the poll). I can't use all the features all the time like I am now but I know I would be much happier with it. It will have the quizzes and everything like that. I just haven't like this site so I didn't want to update everything, that's why I still have the link to AH 21.0. The image I want to use costs $149 from gettyimages.com so I'll be working on it a while before I'll have that image, but I have to have it. I've done a lot of searching and I've just had such a hard time deciding. I've probably been searching for a month, it's frustrating. There's several I want to use. Corbis is only $64 or so for the images I want but they aren't as good. It depends on the photographer or company that the photo comes from but obviously you get what you pay for.
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I hate shopping, I'm sure I've said it a million times. One outfit that CAN'T BE WHITE or strapless or sleeveless or even have short sleeves that's appropriate for a garden/evening wedding...I'm not sure it even exists. I've gone back to my pin stripe gray skirt with black lace/mesh layer underneath, possibly a black sweater I have here, possibly a pink embelished cami from victoria's secret, possibly none of the above. I just want to scream! everything is white, short sleeve or sleeveless, or costs a FORTUNE. I've found a few really cute tops but they're white. I found some adorable cropped jackets but they're cap sleeve or $500+. The wedding is in 66 days. I have about three outfits I have to return that looked really cute OFF. I'm crossing my fingers I'll find something before the end of april. Thend of next week would be ideal. I'm keeping a couple things a little longer to try with other things but I have a feeling it's all hopeless. Food is not my friend right now but in 66 days it could become my constant companion (bad news for any new outfits I buy). 
I'm so depressed. I'm soooo depressed! I got another dress in today to try for my sister's wedding and it's too big but I feel HORRIBLE in it. It's called a Ballerina Dress by As U Wish. The waist on dress sits at my natural waist and then I have a sash that would tie in the back but both those things combined makes me feel like my stomach is HUGE and the sweaters I got to go over it (it's very low and has spaghetti straps) don't cover my chest unless I button them or hold them closed and they're too long so they cover the sash. I have to wear a sweater though because it's way too much skin showing for me, and I have to at least have 1/2 sleeves because of scars [and I hate my arms]. This is the second dress I've tried, the first was boat neck and a-line from the chest down, but sleeveless and it made me look like I was pregnant or like I was trying to hide something that I don't actually have, it just didn't look good at all. I so just want to go on a liquid diet for the next 70 or so days and then I don't think there'd be any way I could still feel fat. Of course I could never do that, I just don't have the strength but I wish I did. Feeling ... skeletal would at least take away the feeling hideously fat issue. I just feel disgusting. If I can completely cover up and wear clothes that aren't fitted in any way, I might not be totally freaked out the whole time. I don't even have anything that I can just mix & match and make work. I have a skirt that's cute but it's a size seven, lined, and has an ugly bow. A seamstress would have to practially take the whole skirt apart to take it in and remove the bow. I'm so unhappy. I hate shopping because I hate everything that I try on. I can't handle going to a mall because it's just too much but I can see something really cute online and when I try it on, it looks nowhere near how it should look or how I thought it would look. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there until it's all over. I've never just been able to go shopping and find things I liked, I've never been comfortable with the way that I look, no matter how thin I get. Of course the thinner I am the less horrible I feel...I can't imagine ever being content and okay with my size or weight or whatever. Doomed to hate myself I guess. I've been taking wellbutrin for two weeks or so and I don't feel any better so far. I can't get anything done, it just all seems too overwhelming to start, or not at all enjoyable anymore. I wish I could work on a website but it doesn't feel like it could even possibly bring my mood up. It seems like an overwheling task to just decide how to lay everything out. What if no one likes it? Then all that work will have just been a failure. I have to do my taxes, I've put it off for three months and I only have 14 days left. Money really stresses me out. I haven't balanced my checkbook in about two months and I usually do it every month. I'm having trouble sleeping because I want to exercise, I want to get SOMETHING done, and I don't want tomorrow to come. The sooner I go to sleep, the sooner I have to deal with tomorrow. I feel like Thursday is so far away, I'll see my therapist in the morning and then I'm on my own through Sunday, my parents are going to Arizona. I always hate being stuck in my room, hiding from my parents (or anyone else) but when i'm alone, even just for a night, I get a little panicky. Maybe because I know there's no one around, I'm free to do whatever and yet I can't, I still end up curled up in bed most of the time. Despite hating when people are around, always worrying if the footsteps I hear will end up at my door, it's kind of creepy when no one's here, it's quiet and I can hear everything outside and there aren't any window coverings in the family room or hallway or the kitchen so I don't like going out there very often, especially after dark. Only my room has mostly covered windows and my sister might be bringing people up here, maybe not, so I'll worry all weekend if people are going to show up, if I need to be showered and out of bed or whatever. I'm hardly motivated to get out of bed much less prepared for guests. Anyways..