Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
I resigned today, two weeks until I can leave my job. I'm not even upset, I'm pissed at how my mother has to disagree with most EVERYTHING! I was trying to figure out why she insists on using Blue Cross and instead of just saying she decided she prefers it over HealthNet when she has to pay $350/mo and she had to get mad and say that she knows better than me even though she knows I'm just worried about the money. She had to get mad and say I don't know. Of course, I don't know anything...I hate talking to her, but what choice do I have. I hope I get this job I'm interviewing for, I'm not sure I can stand working for my mother for more than what's absolutely necessary. There's a medical insurance issue though, the only way I can get it is through my job, which will shortly mean through my mother. I just want to scream. I don't want to work for my mother. I don't want to have anything to do with her. I just feel really upset all the time. Nothing feels right, nothing feels okay. Everyone I talk to, everything I do, or eat, when I sleep or if I stay awake, it all feels bad. I wish it wasn't so difficult to get good health insurance. I wish all companies offerend it to full and part time employees, I wish I could get it on my own. I don't want to have to ever depend on anyone.
I am in a constant state of nervous panic. Paralyzing panic. I can't distract myself from it and it makes me not want to do anything but sleep until it's gone. Though it won't be gone until after Monday (I'll write about that later) then after my interview Thursday, and then probably not until after I'm back to having a steady income. I'm not sure how much my mother can pay me but as long as my bills are paid, things should be okay. Gas will go way down since her office is 5 minutes away, I of course will have my cell phone, my car, my web hosting because I'm hoping West Village Design will get up and running and bring some more money in. Then of course food, it's my greatest monthly expense. Probably because I don't buy cheap things, organic & gourmet, otherwise I probably won't like it. It's funny because I hate food so much, I'd prefer to spend $0.00 on food. I only drink bottled water, eat organic vegetables, and I don't cook so I buy from the freshly prepared foods section pretty often. It's like going out to dinner every night. A zone bar for breakfast & lunch, salon/professional shampoo & conditioner. I need to learn to buy cheaply. Even my lizard eats organic cauliflower. I'm going out tomorrow with my sister to buy new black shoes for my interview, I don't have any cute close-toed heels that aren't ancient. I tested out the new Windows Vista on my laptop. It's really cool. I was really disappointed with Windows XP when it came out but Windows Vista is going to be nice. The screen savers are awsome, there are new games, and the whole look and feel has greatly improved. It's what I picture the Mac OS being like. I would never buy Mac but I hear it's hugely user friendly. Not that I need user friendly but it's nice when I don't feel like "managing" my computers that there's actually something out there making it so I don't have to. Well, I had Van De Kamp's doughnuts for dinner. I think I'll have another. I wish food wasn't a necessity...
I'm trying to get my mother to let me work with her and my sister until I get a new job. I'm hoping hoping hoping that my interview goes well on Thursday and I "get the job" even though they're not paying me. However, between now and when I actually start making money where I can pay my bills might be a couple months so I'm enlisting my mother's help...because there's no other way unless I want to stay at the job I'm at. And I can't stand another day there not knowing if I'm staying or leaving. And dammit no one will just accept that I'm sick with the thought of going back there. They just kind of downplay it, it's not that bad, i'm just overreacting, being dramatic, and they walk away like they don't care, I'll have gotten over it by morning. Dammit I want to SCREAM!!! I'm totally panicking, I feel like I'll turn into a vegetable from the worry. My parents seem really bothered but...HUMOR ME! I'M FREAKING OUT! I need to give my therapist a ring tomorrow and get her opinion because I have to figure this out before I see her Monday morning, otherwise I might as well wait until after my interview. DAMMIT! I'm going to start pulling out my hair, there isn't even any good junk food to make me feel better. I have to buy new shoes for my interview. I'm not looking forward to that but hopefully I'll find a new pair of cute black [small] heels I can wear anywhere. I wish I could scream...but I'm not a loud person, so no one thinks I'm really that upset. I think I'll email my sister. Maybe she'll understand. Wow and guess what, the site counter's gone bananas again.
Wow I couldn't get back to sleep. I've done some research and I'm pretty sure I've developed a stomach ulcer. My stomach hurts like someone's poking me with needles, and it's like all the time. I have an interview Thursday. It's sort of doing word processing (mail merge, database management, mailings, etc.) for a real estate agency in Pasadena. It's a computer job like I wanted originally and couldn't find, and it would be my own business, contract work, so the harder I worked the more I would get paid. Not like now where the harder I work, the more I want to run screaming from that place. Everyone gets paid more than me for not working hard, sleeping, socializing, etc. If I don't get this job I've got to go part time, the drive is killing me. It was over three hours round trip on Monday. The freeway was like a parking lot. The one in Pasadena is on my own time, about 15-20 minutes from my house, and about 5 minutes from where I want to get an apartment. I'm so afraid I won't get it. I figure if I don't, I can work on maybe marketing myself as doing word processing and see if I can get work from other real estate agencies but that seems like it would be hard. I don't have time to study for my real estate license. I get home so late and now with my stomach hurting all the time, it's just impossible to sit down for an hour or two and read through a chapter. I've lost interest in sitting down and doing anything I enjoy doing because my body always hurts from being so stressed all day, everything aches. It's uncomfortable to sit at the computer for any length of time. I'm lucky I take the time to read my email once a day. I'm getting all of these total obnoxious spam emails from personalized-hosting.com accounts. I block just about every email I get from those addresses. I got 124 emails last night and they were all spam from those email accounts. My tNpAG submission form is also causing me to get spam I can't block, just in case I get a real submission. It's ridiculous. I need to add some sort of security to the form so I won't get crap anymore. It used to be that Dragon-Ears submission form that gave me spam but they seem to have moved on from that. Okay into bed. I don't feel like getting ready for work yet...
Work has gotten unbearable...again. My new supervisor sleeps and snores really loudly. He got mad at me for saying he shouldn't sleep and told me he has sleep apnea and that he can't afford to get it treated which is a lame ass excuse. He basically told me it's okay for him to sleep. A couple of us come into work not having slept the night before or the three previous nights but we come in and we work hard and we DON'T SLEEP no matter what. Saying you're too tired to stay awake only means that you need to go home, take time off if need be but don't ever come to work and sleep. If you're being paid for your time, you don't sleep ever. I've signed up for real estate classes so hopefully I can get my license in a little bit. Meanwhile I've called a few real estate agencies to see if they have anything that I can do to start learning the real estate business while I study for my license. I'm crossing my fingers on one because she was the only one to mention "interview" in our conversation. I have a huge list of companies in the area I want to move to so hopefully I'll get a job at one of them within the next...WEEK? I would have quit my job last week if I didn't have bills to pay. I don't have the motivation is my problem. I took today off because I was exhausted and I planned on making phone calls but I ended up sleeping the entire day. I've been making phone calls during my lunch break. I'm trying really hard to be thinner. I'm replacing my unhealthy things with fruit and I'm afraid I'm eating too much fruit. I don't know how many calories actually end up being absorbed in watermelon since it comes & goes so quickly *wink* but it's my main craving killer. I feel 20 lbs over weight when I'm possibly about 5 lbs under weight. I'm finally getting my business license for westvillagedesign.com so hopefully that will be a success. I haven't found worth in life yet. Like what's the point of all this? Well, I gotta go to bed, I'll try to start writing more.
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