Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
There's an erie glow coming in from outside. It's after 6am and I've turned down the brightness on my Q1 but it still feels like I'm peering into oncoming headlights in the dead of night. I locked the computer at 3:30am and was up again at 5:30, not my plan for the day. I feel a creeping exaustion behind my eye lids, that pain in my stomach that usually means I've swallowed too many caffeine pills on an empty stomach. An empty stomach, a mystery I have to solve if it takes the rest of my life. Full of what? I feel quite empty. There's an ominous feeling about the coming hours. What have I missed? Work was short yesterday. Shopping adventure with momsy. She had fun. I was reminded of the pain of numbers. I met the double zero with fear and loathing. I failed even to find the item I set out for. What happened to the cold? A few days and gone, sucked up and strangled by the summer heat creeping it's way in for a comeback. Even in the winter season it slithers in under the raidar, darkening a forever black christmas. White? Never heard of it. Pretty soon the winter may just relocate to another place and time, never to return. People today seem to lack social grace, that inner voice telling them to step down, not speak up. Even those who complain about the "class" of others, their "moxy," lack a general sense of class. The world is not an opinion column waiting to be filled. Next time you're window shopping on South Lake in Pasadena, stop by Anthropologie and flip through a copy of "The Fabulous Girl's Guide to Grace Under Pressure." It begs understanding. "Fabulous" in the Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis ideal, grace and poise, but full of strength and a great amount of earned perfection. Juicy Couture is not for the fabulous, but for the wanna-be-fabulous rich girls of hollywood who live off their daddy's fortune, who don't understand hard work and sacrifice and the struggle for acceptance. The so-called fabulous girl bypasses drama for reality and trades pettiness for the big picture.
There's a lot of not wanting to exist going on. I felt really sick last Thurday AM (3:30am) and all morning. I felt like I had food poisoning or something and anything I ate made my stomache hurt. Since then, I feel fine if I haven't eaten but when I eat, my stomach feels like it's protesting. I feel fine as long as there's no food in my stomach. I thought I was feeling better. I didn't buy any food that wasn't pre-packaged except watermelon which was pre-cut, I assume there at the store. I doubt that gave me food poisoning. I read that some medications can cause stomach problems shortly after starting or after stopping a medication and it's like a serious thing. Well, I ran out of my Provigil last week and the pharmacy has been unable to get a hold of my doctor to get a refill and last I heard they're still trying. I hope that's not the cause because I have a hard time getting my Provigil just due to the fact that I have a hard time leaving the house. It's also very expensive ($50/month WITH insurance) and that's a ton of money to me. I get my Lexapro (also very expensive) via mail, 3 months at a time so it's not a problem but I don't think I can do that with the provigil. It's just so hard to get in the first place.
Okay, I ordered a juicer. I've heard good things so hopefully I can eat fruits I don't like but mixed in a juicer with fruits I like. It seems like you have to buy an awful lot of fruit to make not very much juice but I'm all for healthy food that tasts good, especially since you don't have to cut it or anything, I can buy whole fruit instead of packaged, cut fruit which obviously costs less and hopefully my stomach will be happier with fruit juice than with fruits and vegetables.
Like I've said before, I'm not a fan of ... television. I don't like to be tied down and frankly, I don't like my emotions being controlled by corporate big shots and then shot down when they decide not to aire the show for some lame ass reason (Farscape, Profiler, Higher Ground). I was intrigued when I found out Mary-Kate Olson would be starting Weeds mid-season so I decided to see what it was all about. I'm a huge fan of David Duchovney so Californication just fit nicely into my schedule; however, I started watching Weeds with my father oddly enough and stopped because running in the room for weeds and out of the room thirty minutes later became a bit of a hassle, not to mention having to lug my laptop and wires all over the place.
Fittingly, Dexter has worked it's way into my weekly schedule due to it's humor and of course the adorable Michael C. Hall. I never watched him in Six Feet Under. That show just never caught on for me, very boring and a waste of time I could spend doing a million other things. I have to admit, when I stumbled across this site: "Smart Kitty" I was shocked. Not about the other characters, yes they're all very annoying, but about the voiceover. Big words and strong opinions does not a smart person make. You should really pick your site name carefully, I was actually expecting comments from a Smart kitty and instead I got winey the weener dog.
Dexter doesn't "share" anything. Being a serial killer does that to people, makes them paranoid they'll get caught. The voiceover gives the viewer detail about the character you couldn't otherwise get by even the greatest actor. I missed a good part of season one so there are some holes in the story but in an episode they replayed today there's a line when he's watching a sappy movie with his girlfriend and the voiceover says something like "if I don't blink maybe my eyes will start to water" where she's a crying mess and he thinks he should be feeling something. Little things like that require voiceover and frankly made me laugh, that "I feel your pain" sorta laugh. Little one-liners throw in a bit of humor as well as a bit more understanding of a character who doesn't talk much. Acting only goes so far. One-liners like "This box is empty, just like me" have to be taking in context, with the proper tone, and with the episode as a whole. You can't take that line and deam the series a failure without analysing it as a while. There's obviouly more to it than "Smart Kitty" can understand. Maybe I would have been impressed by the big words if I hadn't been let down by the not so smart monologue shoved in my face.
Televsion is obviously an individual experience. I loved West Wing, found it smart and funny, until about the fourth year, but most people I know got lost in the conversations. Apparently the characters talked too fast and used words with too many syllables. On the other hand, some people are die-hard Friends fans and were devistated when it went off the air, but I couldn't stand the constant same-ness. The story has been done a million times over with a different group of actors. Conversations you'd never have with people you'd never date in a coffee shop that wouldn't last ten years. The old sappy music when the "moral of the story" comes up. Life isn't quite so ridiculous.
If I have to watch something I'll turn on a documentary, reality such as Intervention or Code Blue, Keith Olbermann for some uncensored political opinion, or something I can tune out. If there's a story I have to follow, a contest, filtered news, etc., odds are I don't watch it. I don't need to know about the high/low speed chase, what celebrity was thrown in jail, or what stupid thing Bush said today, it's a waste of time and energy. There are too many important things that I could be doing to waste a second watching bad or useless television.
"...the complete nutter cliche` of driving west on Mulholland"
"What if they went one step further and told you what you could and could not eat?"
I don't know about you but I'd be thrilled. Obviously, the foods we eat that are unhealthy, we eat because they're available to us. If they weren't available, we wouldn't eat them. Maybe we'd eat more of other things but at least they'd be healthier. Like trans fats have been banned almost completely. It's like banning drugs and unhealy things like that. Things that kill people should be banned, especially when people don't know they increase heart disease and decrease life span. Frankly, cigarettes should be banned, alcohol should be banned. Even though it's been tried and failed in the past, it should be treated like illegal drugs. If the government says they're illegal, they're illegal. You can practice any religion you want here and our governments are voted on by the people but that government should take control of the sick discusting foods companies are selling. Obeisity is so high because companies are making worse foods than ever and the government is allowing it.
They did a test and people who could not see how many chicken wings they'd eaten (waiters took their plate w/the bones and replaced it with a clean plate) ate 14% more chicken than those who could see that they'd eaten. Then when leaving, 3/4 people took cookie that were offered at the door. Then when candy was placed on desks at worker's cubicles, then after a period of time it was moved six feet away, they ate 5% less than when it was on their desk.
"deconstructing the twinkie is like deconstructing the universe. Some look up at the sky and say how beautiful, others try to count the stars."
Kathy Griffin won an Emmy!! and I missed it, I don't watch those stupid award shows. I'm watching Larry King Live [again] and she said Bill O'Riley called her a pinhead. she says, very sarcastically after they made such a thing about her sayng "jesus can suck it" that jesus is not busy in Darfur, he's out making sure so and so's premier banked $10mil. and then Sally Field "the flying nun" was censored saying "if [something] then there would be no god damn war in the first place." I don't remember what she said but they show both uncensored clips of Kathy & Sally Field on Larry King. This is America, that means FREE SPEACH, FREEDOM OF RELIGION and all that. Like if you look close at Larry King, it's like his smiling is his way of cracking up laughing. He NEVER LAUGHS and I can't imagine how people on his show aren't totally intinmidated, especially comedians like Kathy Griffin. Here she is telling joke after joke and he doesn't laugh ONCE. Okay, maybe once but I think it just slipped. OMG and he likes Ryan Seacrest. I can't believe she went with the cofounder of Apple...he's apparently very shy and "He's like einstein smart." she tried to make him talk to press.
I'll never buy from PCConnection.com again. We purchased a new computer from them for the office because it was a great deal and a week or two later we call and they said the order had been cancelled. We received no cancellation email, and when we went to their website it still said the computer was "In Stock". The second they realized they were out of stock the website should have been updated. It's ridiculous. Everyone's sold out of this computer and we just can't find another in that price range. Lenovo (IBM) is our only hope but prices are so low that computers just sell out crazy fast and companies never restock fast enough. I wish I could just assemble my own system. Unfortunately, I think I would miss a lot of necessary details. I was surprised though when shopping for a computer that it was really hard to find a computer with a 2.8+ GHz
Processor. All of our computers at the office have 2.8 and my server has 2.8 which works great.
I've been trying so hard not to eat. I get into the "pro-ana" thing on occasion but it's obviously not something I discuss. I just can't get that out of my head. I don't WANT to be at a so-called healthy weight, that's too heavy. Sometimes I don't have a choice, I can't stop eating, but at the same time I'm so disgusted by the way I look and feel. Even at my lowest point, I didn't want to eat, I just wanted to lose more. It's like the Wasted quote I always keep: "'Do you want to get well?' they'll ask. You'll shrug and look at the scale, wondering how off it is, whether it will lie and tell them you weigh three pounds more than you actually do. You will be obliged to correct it, on princple, to save your soul, and for your pains you will find yourself with a new address, Eating Disorders Unit, Eighth Floor, having confirmed their suspicions, because who, with a pulse of forty-three and a systolic pressure careening in vertical swoops, gives a flying fuck if the scale is three pounds off? An anoretic, that's who. Does she care if she's dying? Hell, no." You'll see it on my high school alumni page. I really have nothing to say to anyone..."who gives a flying fuck."
I'm starting to panic. There's no food or drink in the house besides water which doesn't help. I had the last soda earlier and no one else even has food. I meant to buy food after work but just never went.
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