Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
I need eight more hands and three more sets of eyes and brains to do all the things I want to do. I want to test Joomla! 1.5 RC1. I want to enter the Joomla! 1.5 design contest. I want to get my online business going again with a different supplier and a different website. I want to finish my work site but I probably need to start over from scratch with a new Joomla! component because ReMOSitory 3.42 stinks and so does support. I want to test out what I learned at the photography class. I want to import the photos from my CyberShot and add them to Flickr. I want to learn PHP/Pear as well as InfoPath. There are so many things I want to do that I get discouraged and disappointed that I can't do them all that I end up doing nothing.
I have the worst stomach ache. I didn't eat anything out of the ordinary, no soda or anything I haven't eaten every other day. Like I can't sit up right or stand or walk or anything, I'm laying on my bed praying it will go away. I didn't even take any weird pills. Water didn't even help. I went to a digital photography class today with my father and I learned A LOT even though the guy didn't talk all that much. He sounded very impressed with my FujiFilm S3 Pro which was cool. It was two hours but he went around and made sure everyone knew how to do each thing with their particular camera. There was a lot of sitting around doing nothing. One lady purchased her camera like that day, she had the box on the table with her. The five points he wanted us to learn where how and when to use flash, how and when to change ISO, how and when to change white balance, always format memory cards when new or when photos are movied to computer and copied to CD and he stressed the copy to CD part, and then always shoot at the highest size and quality (dpi) picture. He also discussed memory cards (always have a backup, which of course I don't) and batteries (ditto) and what the differences are when it comes to cost vs. quality. He also discussed custom settings for white balance which sounded really cool but the "Expo Disk" that you have to buy costs $50-$100. The class cost $50 each but then you get a $25 Sammy's Camera coupon each. We also had to drive to Santa Ana which was an hour one way without traffic and an hour and a half plus back on a sunday evening. Our next class is on a Tuesday evening so the drive is going to be much worse. My dad told me to keep the coupons and we could get me something at the end but I was thinking we should each get an Expo Disk so we'll both have one, or he can have all four of them since he paid for the classes. He wants a new camera body all together, 12MP like mine, he needs bigger memory card(s) (he had a 128MB card today whereas I have a 4GB card) but he has backup memory cards and I don't. Then he also wants to get a printer that prints larger photos. The had a couple that did up to 13"x19" I think. He's retired so he can't just go crazy but we also saw AWSOME telescopes that we could hook our cameras up to. The largest they had was 16" and over $12,000! It was really cool despite the high price tag. He wants to use my camera but I want us to each have our own stuff because I don't want him changing my settings but I also don't want to have to borrow his macro lense. What if he wants it? I used to have to borrow his tripod but they got me a new one for my birthday so we don't have to and it's much easier. If he and I go out, we each can take pictures on a tripod. We'll see, right now my stomach still hurts and I'm tired, and even though I really don't want to sleep tonight, I just might not have that option. I didn't sleep much last night since I had to set my alarm this morning. I was starting a new section of my work's website as a proposal and it took me a bit to figure out how to get it just right. More Joomla! stuff but it will be really cool if I can get it integrated into the main site and have it actually be benificial to our clients. There are so many "outside" projects that I'm working on ON MY OWN TIME that I'm stretched a little thin right now. When I get to work I usually drag my feet when it comes to doing my regular daily tasks.
FolderShare.com is an AWESOME site. You can sync your computers without any effort on your part. Just while you're doing whatever it is that you do, it's in the background syncing whatever folders you've chosen to sync, on whatever computers you wish to sync. Right now I have a "sync" folder where I put everything I want available no matter what computer I have and I always have the most updated version. It updates four computers so if I'm out of the office I have my Samsung Q1 available, or my laptop if I'm at home, my server if my laptop's broken, or my work computer, say if I worked at home I just throw the updated files in the sync folder and they're on my work computer almost immediately so if someone needs them, there's no need to hassle with email and file size restrictions. It's so cool! You can even invite others to have access to your "library" with just a click. It's by ByteTaxi, Inc. but was acquired by Microsoft so it works fabulously on Windows, even Vista (as well as Mac OSX)! Check it out! The only problem I've come across is when my computer goes on standby and it shuts down the internet connection. Then no syncy. That's just a setting change but I haven't gotten around to it yet. You can also retrieve files from any of your linked devices even if you aren't syncing them. You just go to the website and search your computer files. Syncing doesn't work on network drives but you can search the computer to retrieve individual files on network drives. Even if you've mapped the drive (i.e. \\mycomputer accessible as the F:\ drive) you can't sync it but at least you can retrieve individual files if you need them. No special equipment needed, just a continuous internet connection (dial-up wouldn't be suitable for syncing since it's so unreliable and you usually sign of when you're not using it). Try it, it's Free!
"Has it gotten worse since the robbery?"
"No, it's been this way for a while, i just don't talk about it."
"You need to talk about it, it won't get better if you don't talk about it"
How do you speak the unspeakable? How do you voice the things that have you screaming in your sleep? It's an atrocity...I can't hardly get a sentence out before I silence myself again, I can't form the words. It's too awful.
I want to cut so bad for the first time in a really long time. I had a nightmare last night that's left me shaken and there's no way I'm sleeping tonight. Screaming at the top of my lungs but no one comes to save me. I hate sleeping. I still have three hours though. It's one of the few things that still brings me to tears despite my meds. I want so badly to waste away, I never stop wanting that, every second of every day. I don't know what's happened. I ate some watermelon and some rice cakes but besides that I've just had [frozen] lemonade and raspberry lemonade but that's added up to 1366 cals. I just can't do it anymore and it's killing me. If I wasn't on medication I'd be constantly in tears. I hate myself and what I see in the mirror and how I feel and how I think my clothes look and how I walk and what I say and...Every day I criticise myself for eating yet I can't stop myself. The self-loathing is overwhelming. I want to shut my eyes but I'm too afraid I'll fall asleep. I don't know what I'm going to do for the next three hours...I wish I could go running or workout or something but I can't walk around outside without freaking out and it's way to damn hot to workout. I went Sunday to get my sister's birthday gift and all I did was walk half way around a block to the store and back and when I got to my car my whole body ached and I had a really bad headache, I was so scared walking to and from the store. I went to borders Friday and just the short walk to and from my car was terrifying. On sunday we went out to dinner and on the way back to the car with my sister and her husband, the lights in the parking lot were making our shadows look like there were people walking behind us and it was so hard not to panic and look for peope around. Since my sister was there I tried to just rationalize something I couldn't and I ended up having to turn around to see if there were people behind us. With the robbery, I'm afraid to be alone in the house. My car is always parked across the "street" at the top of the dead end so I worry that whoever did it will come back and think my car is the neighbor's car and that no one's home. I even sleep with the TV on so there's always the idea that someone's home. My mother talks about her sleep in relation to mine like we're the same...she just can't sleep though. She'd love to sleep if she could but I don't want to sleep, I'd do anything not to have to sleep, and when I do sleep it's usually full of only true to life nightmares, "night terrors" my therapist has called them. Like they actually happened, memory and feeling, and that's the worst part. I'm always tired but I can deal with tired. I can't deal with memories of bad things. I'm just not that strong. I don't deal with blaring guilt, just minor guilt but just the memories are more than I can handle most days.
"I want so badly to be able to eat that but I would never in a thousand years allow myself to enjoy anything." - M. M.
"I'd sell this house if I knew it was going to make her better." - Mr. M.
Of those people with anorexia, who hasn't considered death as a final result?
Lucky Marisa's parents are filthy rich so six weeks in the hospital probably didn't break the bank.
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