Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
I've lost all hope that I can overcome this on my own. My meds were upped today and I once again feel as though I've failed myself. I haven't taken my razors out once since I brought them home and I'll be able to put them back where I found them on Wednesday. I'll be so much more relaxed once they're gone. I don't want to ever have the urge to take them out again. I feel like a terrible person. I'm supposed to tell my therapist everything and there's so much I haven't told her. I don't think I want her to know everything.
This schedule that I had planned for my birthday failed miserably. Now I'm left with no one to talk to, I'm sick, and I'm dreading waking up tomorrow. I have my razors here in a drawer. I'm not going to use them today but I'm not sure what tomorrow holds, or then next day, or the next. I won't be able to return them to where they belong until Wednesday. I also can't cut on my arm before Monday morning because I have to get another shot and they'll see if I do. They may even see the scars I already have and ask questions. I don't know if I can handle any more questions. I've had enough. Yes, okay? I'm fucked up. I know this already. Now can we just get on with it? That's what I WANT to say to them. I just don't have the courage. I can tell that effort was put into my birthday this year by everyone to make it better than last year's but the day still failed. I think I should just not celebrate anymore. We'd all be much better off.
Ideally, i would have spent this birthday alone. I feel this overwhelming sense of failure, unlike I have ever felt before. And I don't know where it comes from. I feel like I've failed myself. I need to get past this, for my own survival. I need to cry...but I can't. Not today. Not ever. I've lost all ability to feel. I feel nothing. I want to cry so badly, but I don't know why. I want to cry, but I won't allow it...
I cannot go down to that store alone. i would even prefer not to go alone. my father said i need to go sometime today. screw him. he made a spectacle of me...he can pick it up today if it's so important. i'm only going if i can wait 'til tomorrow
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