Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
My 19th birthday is fast approaching and I'm getting more and more depressed by the day. School is also coming at me like a bat outta hell and I am all too aware of what to expect when it gets here. I want so much to learn but I don't want to have to go to school to do it. All the smiling happy people make me feel even more apart from everyone else and unable to relate. It scares me to know that if one thing goes wrong I'm out. I have to do everything right the first time to continue being who I am, to be able to hold my head high.
A relapse in its time and place
Has a sort of solemn grace
It opens up a rusted door,
Disgraces you forevermore.
Such shame is held within its grasp
Such questions does it dare to ask.
It leads you to a certain hell
Like falling down an empty well
There's nothing there to help you through
You're forced again to start anew
This relapse comes from deep within
In healing--how will you begin?
Clinical Depression. Depression is a funny thing. It comes and goes with no warning, sometimes staying away for extended periods of time and other times attacking you in such a way that it consumes your entire body and soul. It depicts how you live your life. Sometimes medication works and some days it seems useless to take it. It darkens the most beautiful aspects of life. It alienates you from friends and family. I could go on forever like this. Depression takes your hope and chucks it out the moving car door...
"If I go crazy then will you still call me Super Man? If I'm alive and well will you be there holding my had?"
I have that same question. Everyone's there for me when they think something's really wrong but what about if everything is okay again? Will they still be there for me? I have a feeling not. My mother thinks all is well so she ignores the obvious signs of something else wrong. I can't tell you what exactly because it's still my little secret. And I'd like to keep this one for a while at least. Well, I just heard those lyrics and a light went on in my head. I wish you all luck and happier days ahead.
There are so many sites out there dedicated to self injury, self harm, and self mutilation. Have these people stopped to think what these two words mean to them? To me, mutilation and harm do not reflect the meaning of cutting (my form of SI). I cannot say I would use self injury either though because to me, injuring myself is not the goal. I do not do this to injure myself, I do it to take a giant leap back into reality. It calms me down. I call it SI just like Kentucky Fried Chicken is now called KFC...It's not REAL chicken! I don't consider the injury so why call it self injury? SI will have to do for lack of a better term...
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