Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
something deep inside of me
is saying, "please, come talk to me"
it knows how lonely lonely gets
it knows a lifetime of regrets
it knows a sadness deep within
describe? i could not begin.
i have no explanation for the things that i feel.
i have this ailment which no one can heal.
i must just talk, but what about?
confrontation, i could do without
but i am all alone in this, i live it day to day
i hide it from my family and myself in a way.
i smile and laugh when the time is right
but that will just not do tonight
i need a friend who understands
someone to talk and hold a hand
to walk me through this darkened place
who can put a real smile on my face.
I have nothing left. It's pointless to even hope for better days ahead. It only makes me more unhappy. I don't know another life so I don't know what I'm aiming for. Should I have lots of friends? Should I love going places with them? Should things not scare me so much? I know the answers to these questions but only because I've seen. I know the norm, but not from personal experience. I read pages on depression and self injury and they sound so knowledgeable. I only know what's going through my head and even that is confusing to me. I'm not sure if I should still be angry with my parents. Is holding a grudge wrong? I feel so alone but I don't have any desire for a friendship. The only one I have right now is heading downhill. Why is it so difficult for me? Why does everyone else know so much? And they're so open to letting us all know that they have all the answers. I spend all of my time trying to find answers and I haven't come up with a single one. This is difficult for me because I'm used to having all the answers.
such resistance in my mind,
that smile is getting harder to find.
just take that rage and set it free;
think of how it used to be:
a razor in the top desk drawer
No clutter on my bedroom floor
that hatred for the human race
my existence as a space case
such ignorance in other rooms
i loved the way that darkness looms
no words for what was wrong with me
i let my imagination run free
i always had a word to the wise
i dreamed of being a smaller size
i dreaded going home each day
i would bleed my struggles away.
such happy memories come to mind
when all i knew where hopelessly blind.
i dream of returning to that place,
but no one sees it on my face.
The holidays. So much to say. I'll sum it up in a few sentences: One drunken aunt from Texas and her hick husband who ends up carrying both her and their daughter to their car after the party. Three wild cousins and their significant others (one wife, one fiancé? and a boyfriend who is also our pool cleaner) all simultaneously arguing with each other, what a site. Four adults with too many gushy memories; they start to cry. That leaves a few odds and ends...and me. Me...and 18 crazy people.
Warning: When I wrote this, I wrote it in Word 2000 in Garamond size 10 single spaced and it came out to 2 ?pages. I hope you have some coffee in your hand. If you don't, get some. You might need it...welcome to my world.
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