Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
I don't know why this came up so fast-this hatred for my parents. Did I just now realize how much they've hurt me? I feel so depressed after I open up to them, talk to them like nothing's happened. If thanksgiving is anything like today, I'm afraid I'm going to cut. They still think I've stopped. I don't know if I can handle it. And today I decided what I wanted to do-get a PhD in astrophysics. Everyone told me to look it up on the internet and now I'm scared shitless because of it. I was so excited today. Michelle yapped for the entire hour today and I didn't get to talk about the things I wanted to talk about. But I did get to spend the entire day on the internet and update my WebPages and work on my dmoz submissions. But now I'm depressed and dreading tomorrow. I've decided to do something I love before doing something I hate. I'm going to see Ren tomorrow morning so that I can have some happiness before I go insane.
When I was little and I'd had a really bad day at school or elsewhere and I told either my mother or father about it, they didn't give me a hug and tell me everything was going to be okay. Instead they told me what I had done wrong and why it was my fault. My father actually seemed to have no opinion whatsoever and never made more than a grunt so I learned long ago to tell him as little as possible. I don't remember a single time when my mother just let me be right about something.
My mother makes these stupid assumptions that I'm going to be like her when I'm older. She makes too many assumptions. She wants to find thought and some kind of purpose in everything. She thinks everything's fine between us and it's not. I ask her a simple question and she goes on and on and now I AM kicking myself afterwards.
So my whole fucked up family is coming into town this year for Christmas. Both sides. People I've never seen and people I haven't seen for ten years. I'm going to lose my mind. Literally. I'm sick of hearing my sister praise herself. It's getting old. My parents notice every little thing she does, good and bad. My parents and sister don't notice me ever. I think this photography class will get noticed because they like taking pictures. They used to have a darkroom in their old house. I ran a mile yesterday and walked a mile today. I'm in so much pain. I stayed at the barn until 1:00 today, I had so much fun. Belen's back. Everyone's getting a new horse. I'm generally happier but I'm worried about Thanksgiving and Christmas and my birthday. I'm not sure I'll be able to handle it. I told my parents all I want for my birthday is for them to all go to Santa Barbara for the day (jokingly-but not). It's hard to have a problem with crowds and not be able to tell my parents. They'd understand better if they knew. But I can't tell them.
All I want is for them to notice me, how hard I've worked. I want my accomplishments to stand out as much as Lisa's miniscule accomplishments. Because maybe then everything will be all right between us. Maybe I'll think about sticking around after college. There's no chance I'm staying around if they don't start to notice how hard it is for me. The site of my mother ruined my otherwise wonderful day. I haven't been able to say my day was wonderful in about a year and she made that time go on even longer. That anger I feel towards people has gone away with some but escalated with others. Depression set in a while ago, hit harder when my mother didn't recognize my photograph as more than good. Good is what you tell the dog when he comes. I wish they'd just notice me. I need them to notice me. I push harder and harder in hopes that they'll notice and they let me down. I can't push much harder than I am and if I'm forced to then I'm going to end up like those Caltech students Michelle keeps telling me about. Jumping off of buildings...just another suicide.
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