Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
I've been without cutting for over six weeks and I just cut the worst ever. My therapist is going to KILL me. I'll also see my psychiatrist the same day...I'm afraid she's going to tell him. Why can't I stop?! I'm so worried she's going to give me that look like I've let her down. I wish I had someone to talk to. No one knows but her and I'm afraid to tell her...
tears engulf an emptiness
forcing you to go confess
all the sadness in the world
seems minute when what you hold
is thrust out to those looking on
asking what is going on
thinking that you're tired, bored
telling you to thank the lord
for all the good times that you hold
a feeling deep inside that's cold
they think they know what's really wrong
while knowing nothing all along
just stand back and let me heal
only i know what's real.
a look of strength is thought to be
laughing wide-eyed happily
starring down a gloomy face
with a look of calm disgrace
empty panic out on me
in denial i will be
stating what you should have done
to make your life a bit more fun
acting like your absence breaks
this happiness we all must fake
denying what is going on
telling you you're always wrong.
When my mother says things like "If you had studied you could have aced it..You could be a Rhodes Scholar" I feel like I've let her (them) down and I haven't. There's no way in Hell with all I've accomplished that I have ever let them down!! I've worked too hard and it makes me so angry when I feel this way because it's wrong!! It's completely wrong to believe anything of the sort!! Then I tell her not to say those things (I always tell her) and she says "I'll say whatever I want, you don't have to listen" But I DO have to listen!! She says them to my face!! It's impossible to ignore and she can't, she WON'T understand it!! She has made my already crappy day a complete nightmare!! THIS is exactly why I don't tell her things anymore!!
blackened clouds cover the sky
light has left a tired eye
tripping over weakened feet
living daily with defeat
left in darkness, all alone
hearing painful helpless moans
so much sadness all around
sympathy, in sorrow drowned
disappointment screams aloud
running from a curious crowd
hanging onto harmful ways
letting go of better days
hopelessness is in the air
and all I see is darkness there.
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