Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
I am so beyond worried about the wedding. I was going to make an appearance friday at this dinner we're having for out-of-towners so they don't have to have room-service for dinner after flying/driving all the way out here, but I was expecting WAY TO MUCH of myself. I figured it would cut down on the shmoozing I'd have to do at the wedding, and therefore make it easier, but it's a whole additional event that I can't handle. Wednesday is the rehearsal dinner which is extra because I'm not in the wedding and equally as stressful to think about as the friday event. Last night (Sunday night) I was feeling an ear infection coming on, which I tend to get ALL THE TIME just from getting water in my ear(s) when I shower, and I was already feeling sick to my stomach about the whole week. There's so much going on that's causing anxiety, too much to list each thing. I saw my therapist this morning and wore my skirt, shoes, and jewelry that my sister gave me just for that hour (+driving time) and then went home to change. It was even more stressful to know I was uncomfortable in pretty much the whole outfit. I went in with the back left of my jaw hurting too much to chew and practically too much to talk. I spent the whole time trying not to move my jaw too much or laugh because it pressed against whatever part of my ear [area] that was causing me pain. I've acquired a few Klonopin pills to try to calm me down enough so that I don't completely lose my mind. I have to drive back to my therapist's office (an hour drive there & back) to pick it up tomorrow. I didn't think I'd get it since it requires prior authorization and I still have to TEST IT to make sure it doesn't put me to sleep. She was very nice to offer a third appointment this week but thinking about the wedding makes me more anxious and TALKING about it makes me feel like if I don't SCREAM or have a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN it will be miracle. I'm so worried, there are no words to describe...I want to call it all off. Email me pictures. I'll watch the video. I'm supposed to be working on an update for the Dynamic gSitemap, a project I actually enjoy working on but I am so on the verge of a nervous breakdown that I can't even play mindless card games on pogo. I'm surprised I'm here writing but it seemed like an option. My so-called ear infection has turned into a swollen knot around the area where my jaw ends. I took Aleve this afternoon and the pain went down enough for me to eat and now it's just this swollen area that's rather painful. I have no idea what or why or how long until it disappears mysteriously but I hope it's gone soon so I can avoid the doctor and so I don't have the added stress on the wedding day. My father started working at my office today ("Family owned & operated" just welcomed one more) and it's stressing me out. I worry that he's bored or something. I remember filing on my first few days and being bored to death. And he's supposed to be retired so I feel even worse, like what if he's so bored he wants to go back to be retired but he's not willing to tell my mother that? My sister's taking most of the week off but she's also taking next week off for her honeymoon. What's she going to do this week...tan? That annoys me to no end. I feel like i'll have to cover for her and my mother tomorrow and entertain my dad so he doesn't get bored. Things at work were comfortable and easy and now crazy and confusing and DIFFICULT again. I fell asleep earlier and woke up full of worry. It's 2:45am and I have to get up at 8am or so to run out to my therapists office for the Klonopin. I really just need to crawl into bed and stay there for a day or so. I need sleep. I need seclusion. I don't know how else I'm going to manage to stay in one piece through all this. No one understands how incredibly difficult these things are except my therapist. I've lived with these people my whole life and they don't get it, or don't accept that they don't get it. They seem to assume that things couldn't possibly be this difficult. (If i you've ever had anxiety about EVERYTHING, social phobia, agoraphobia, ...a general fear of everything then you'd undersand that yes, things are really this difficult.) In two weeks life should be back to "normal," the wedding will be over and my sister will be back to work, so hopefully things will be easier then as well. My parents are also going to our condo for Father's Day weekend so I'll have that time alone here. I definitely need that, even though being alone here also produces a good deal of fear in me.
Well, I've started my Pantothenic Acid (Vitamin B5) regimine. I was only able to manage 7.5g yesterday from twelve pills plus food and other sources. Today though I took all my pills and have managed 10.46g. The .46g from a daily vitamin and foods. The brand I bought, NOW Foods, also has 45mg of calcium so I'm getting my 1000mg of calcium a day without having to take an extra calcium pill which is GREAT. If I take all the pills I have planned out it comes to 31 total so I REALLY don't want to have to take another. I need to get more magnesium and potassium but I'm hardly able to stomach the pills I'm taking now.
My dad wanted to play Cribbage again tonight which I was willing to do but I'm SO EXHAUSTED from lack of sleep and he wanted to play after dinner. I was completely out shortly after eating my dinner at 5:45pm so by the time he had eaten it was just too late. I woke up at 8:30pm just in time to tell them I was going to bed, sorry about cribbage. My Fluidity Bar arrived today but I was too tired to even bring it in the house. It's outside, leaning against the inside of the front/atrium door. It's WAY too heavy to drag in myself.
When I was running errands the other day I felt like I had a fog somewhere between my brain and my eyes. I saw everything but I couldn't process much of it. In my panic I wander...usually to find something I can focus on, even if It's not what I've gone out to buy. At Office Depot I stopped to look at laptops, not because I was really interested but because I couldn't focus on the task at hand and I couldn't just leave because I needed stuff and I was too panicked to come to that conclusion anyhow. When I wander without picking anything up to buy, I'm afraid people might think I'm stealing. I've never stolen in my LIFE but it's a fear that comes over me in my already panicked state. When I get that uncomfortable I'll sometimes pick up something I don't actually need because I can't FOCUS, like I often buy things at the grocery store that I know I won't eat or I really don't WANT (like Donettes). I'll even get into my car to go home (or to the next place) and hardly see what's going on, even though I'm LOOKING. The "fog" makes it difficult for me to react to lights changing and cars appearing out of unexpected places, but it usually takes a few hours alone in my room for that fog to dissipate so that I can go on with my day. I've never quite explained it like that but the other day after Office Depot and CVS/Pharmacy, it was REALLY BAD and I could totally describe it at that moment. However, even being able to describe it didn't make it easier to get out of. When I got home I just wanted to tell everyone I was really stressed out and to leave me alone for a while. I needed to calm down. Unfortunately, when I got home I told my dad I was really stressed out and he's all "why?" and I decided there was no way he'd understand so I opted for a brief overview of the events and then retreated to my room.
Right now I'm not hungry but I don't want to sleep yet, it's only 10:40pm and it's making me want to eat. The only food in the house is, again, oatmeal and soda. I've been able to keep my calories within a range that is healtier, not 3,000 but not 400 either, so I'm not wanting to increase today's intake by resorting to "emotional" eating. I also feel bad that I missed cribbage (despite my feelings towards it) and I don't want my dad to know I'm still awake. Maybe once my lizard's heat lamps go off, any second, I'll be more inclined to sleep. 'Til then, I think I'll go check out
My sister was much more cheery today at work. It took most of the day dealing with having to repeat myself because she wasn't hearing me or was pretending she didn't hear. It was just the two of us there today so I couldn't have stood the silence for four hours. I worked from 1pm to 7pm so I had two hours to myself. I bought the Fluidity Bar. Apparently it's the new thing in exclusive New York gyms. It's just what I've wanted though. Get the body of a dancer without having to BE A DANCER.
Since I've been writing down all the foods and vitamins and everything that I've eaten I've been doing a lot of research on vitamins and what does what and how much you can have and should have and where to find them. This program FitDay also lets you know if you aren't getting enough of something. One section allows you to enter a minimum and maximum of lots of nutrients as well as calories and fats so I went online to find out all the critical numbers. I mostly found the info at the Office of Dietary Supplements, Wikipedia, Oregon State University's Linus Pauling Institute, US Food and Drug Administration, and the National Library of Medicine. The ODS and NLM are part of the National Institutes of Health. My initial list was compiled based on data from the FitDay software, chemicalland21.com including most chemical names or synonyms, and a list compiled by David Bennett, Every Vitamin Page (.pdf version). I got a little carried away. Okay, A LOT carried away but I've highlighted those that should be monitored for optimum health. Here are my findings (see below for a few explanations):
NUTRIENT
MIN/RDA/AI
MAX/UL
CHEMICAL NAME & INFO
Calories
1,200kcal
(calories burned)
Fat
(cumulative)
20%-35% of calories
Saturated Fat
0g
<10% of calories
Polyunsaturated Fat
(see Vitamin F)
Monounsaturated Fat
(cumulative)
(cumulative)
Cholesterol
0mg
<300mg
Carbohydrates
120g
300g
Dietary Fiber
12g
35g
Protein
46g
--
Alcohol
0g
<<14g
proven increased risk of cancer
Vitamin A
500µg
--
- as retinol
(cumulative)
3,000µg or 10,000 IU
- as beta-carotene
(cumulative)
--
(1 µg RAE = 3.3 IU Retinol, **see my post on 6/15 for more notes on how carotenoids are converted to retinol...mathematically)
Vitamin A2
(see Vitamin A as retinol)
3,4-Didehydro-all-trans-retinol
Vitamin B1
1.1mg
--
Vitamin B2
1.1mg
--
Vitamin B3
14mg
20mg
Vitamin B4
Adenine, found in DNA & RNA
Vitamin B5
5mg
--
Vitamin B6
1.3mg
100mg
Pyridoxine
Vitamin B7
(see Biotin)
Vitamin B8
Adenosine [mono]phosphate
Vitamin B9
(see Folic Acid)
Vitamin B10
Growth factor R; para-aminobenzoic acid or PABA
Vitamin B11
(see Folic Acid)
Growth factor S
Vitamin B12
2.4µg
--
Cobalamin
Vitamin B12a
Hydroxocobalamin
Vitamin B12c
Nitritocobalamin
Vitamin B12p
Cobinamide dicyanide
Vitamin B12r
Cob(II)alamin
Vitamin B13
Orotic Acid
Vitamin B14
As yet unidentified
Vitamin B15
Pangamic acid
Vitamin B16
Dimethylgycine or DMG
Vitamin B17
Laetrile; considered highly toxic
Vitamin B18
As yet unidentified
Vitamin B19
As yet unidentified
Vitamin B20
Carnitine
Vitamin B21
As yet unidentified
Vitamin B22
As yet unidentified
Vitamin Bc
(see Folic Acid)
Vitamin Bh
Inositol; classified as part of the B-complex
Vitamin Bm
Inositol
Vitamin Bp
(see Choline)
Vitamin Bt
Not Established
--
L-Carnitine
Vitamin Bv
(see Vitamin B6)
Vitamin Bw
(see Biotin)
Vitamin Bx
(see Vitamin B9)
Vitamin C
75mg
2,000mg
Vitamin D
5µg/200 IU
50µg/2,000 IU
Vitamin D1
(see Vitamin D)
Ergocalciferol compounded with Lumisterol
Vitamin D2
(see Vitamin D)
Ergocalciferol
Vitamin D3
(see Vitamin D)
Cholecalciferol
Vitamin D4
(see Vitamin D)
22,23-Dihydroergocalciferol
Vitamin D5
(see Vitamin D)
Activated 7-Dehydrositosterol
Vitamin E
15mg/22.5 IU
1,000mg/1,500 IU
Vitamin F
Essential Fatty Acids
- Omega-6
12g
--
- Omega-3
1.1g
--
Vitamin G
(see Vitamin B2)
Vitamin H
(see Biotin)
Vitamin H'
(see Vitamin Bx)
Vitamin H1
(see Vitamin B3)
Vitamin H3
Procaine
Vitamin I
(see Biotin)
Vitamin J
(see Choline)
Bioflavenoids
Vitamin K
90µg
--
Vitamin K1
(see Vitamin K)
Phytonadione
Vitamin K2
(see Vitamin K)
Menaquinone
Vitamin K3
(see Vitamin K)
Menadione
Vitamin K4
(see Vitamin K)
Acetomenaphthone
Vitamin K5
(see Vitamin K)
3-Methyl-4-hydroxy-1-naphthylamine
Vitamin L1
Anthranililc Acid
Vitamin L2
5'-Methylthioadenosine
Vitamin M (see Folic Acid)
Vitamin MK 4
(see Vitamin K)
Menatetrenone
Vitamin MK 7
(see Vitamin K)
Menaquinone 7
Vitamin MK 8
(see Vitamin K)
Menaquinone 8
Vitamin MK 10
(see Vitamin K)
Menaquinone 10
Vitamin N
Lipoamide
Vitamin P
(see Folic Acid)
non-essential bioflavenoids
Vitamin P4
Troxerutin
Vitamin PP
(see Vitamin B3)
Vitamin Q
--
1,200mg
Coenzyme Q10
Vitamin R
(see Vitamin B10)
Vitamin S
(see Vitamin B11)
Vitamin T
(see Vitamin Bt)
Vitamin U
Methylmethionine sulfonium
Vitamin V
Nadide
Vitamin W
(see Biotin)
Vitamin X
name used for a vitamin before it has been isolated
Explanations: "--" means there's no established value for either the max or the minimum. "Cumulative" means, for instance, you should have a CUMULATIVE minimum intake of 500µg of Vitamin A as retinol and/or as beta carotine. Either forms in that case are suitable. They are split because beta carotine does not have a max and retinol does. Items without any numbers are either not actual vitamins, despite their vitamin reference, or they have not been found to be a vitamin that requires supplementation and/or a dificiency is very uncommon. Vitamin K happens to be one of those that should not be supplemented unless recommended by a professional, even though I've listed a min. A few have even been found to be highly toxic, two or three of which I have listed with their chemical name. Also, where I have referenced other vitamins to the right, these are either just another name or in some cases a different variation of the referenced vitamin. Most data has been obtained through government resources, but I only reflect suggestions for an adult woman, usually ages 19 and older who are not pregnant. Minimum calories are based on what a female, age 25, weighing 110lbs would require AT REST. Max calories should be the amount that you burn each day based on your age, sex, height, weight, and level of activity. I do not recommend taking supplements aside from a generic multi-vitamin without first discussing it with a professional...There very well may be wrong numbers, so don't quote me. You can do some research of your own if you're unsure...
Nine and a half hours later...[7:33am Wednesday Morning]I'm just finishing up but I haven't formatted any of the above data. I would, however, like a couple hours of sleep before I have to get ready for work even though I'm afraid that my body won't allow me to wake up and therefore deprive it of about six MORE hours sleep, and that definitely happens. Since this is all getting typed into Notepad before going on the site, I'll finish up later. (what I REALLY want to do is go make oatmeal but no one can know I'm still awake or I'll have to hear about it later..*wink*)
Oh, and I read somewhere that 1µg = 5 IU (international units) so some of the µg:IU values appear to be very wrong. Those with both values were mostly obtained from the Office of Dietary Supplements with the National Institute of Health (linked above).
I am SO STRESSED OUT!! I went to Office Depot after work, at around 7pm, and I had to ASK SOMEONE to get printer ink because they've started locking it up. I saw my cousin and her husband there as well. Then, I went to price phones for my dad and I saw shredders, one of which was this tiny little thing that shreds folded sheets of paper, credit cards, opens mail, and sharpens pencils and it was only $39.99. I'm in desperate need for a shredder I can use for work and since my mother won't get one, this one was perfect since I can keep it at home and/or keept it on my desk at work it's so small. I had to get it (because I don't plan on going back any time soon), but they didn't have any boxed on the shelves below so I had to ASK SOMEONE to check their stock and then they said they had them in the store but it took him ten minutes just to find them. Turned out he had to ask someone else and they ended up being on the opposite side of the store. Then I went to CVS/Pharmacy to drop off my prescription because my doctor only wrote me a 30-day supply and I have to have a 90-day prescription to do it by mail. I've never been to CVS for prescriptions and she told me it had to have prior authorization and to CHECK BACK in three or four days which means I have to CALL THEM. I'm so stressed that I am just totally in a fog. I look around but I don't really see much of anything, my head is too overwhelmed to process another thing. I just want to scream. I feel like I've been given a sedative but instead of making me sleep, it make my brain shut off while the rest of me is still awake. My sister was pissy again at work today and I have to see my doctor tomorrow so I think it's going to be a long day, especially since the only food in my house right now is oatmeal and soda. That's just draining me. I don't have the ENERGY to scream. I wish it was thursday morning and I was WELL RESTED and on my way to my therapist's office. I'm just ... mildly freaking out. Wedding's in ten days and approximately nineteen hours.
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