Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
I bought the movies The Company and Etoiles. I'm 47 minutes into The Company and it's really bad. I'm not a fan of the Joffrey Ballet's style of dance. It's weird. I prefer classical pieces...where dancer's don't all wear unitards but classical tutus or romantic tutus and they dance on pointe. This whole unitards and funky music thing isn't trilling. I don't feel like we're seeing the life of ballet dancers. It all seems very layed back and simple and we only see her feet hurting her once and then it's just this daily thing she does. One dancer just snapped her achiles tendon so her career's over but it's like it happened, no drama, no tears, they go bowling. It's very non-dramatic, boring. An hour and 24 minutes and I'm about ready to turn it off.
Yeah don't waste your money...
We'll take a look at Etoiles next. It should be better since it's real.
(later...)
Etoiles is good if you like documentaries and don't mind sub-titles (It's in french). You have to read the sub-titles really fast to be able to watch it because sometimes they talk really fast. It's definitely the classical ballets, like you see them rehearse Swan Lake and La Sylphide so no unitards or funny costumes ;-) You see brief shots of the younger students starting out, ages 14 and maybe 12 and then they talk to two 17 & 18 year old students before their final test in the school to see if they make it into the professional ballet company. It's good but I'm hoping The Dancer is better. French guys are so not attractive ;-) Especially when they're wearing make-up and tights.
I got these 1000 thread count Egyptian Cotton sheets from Overstock.com and they're originally $499, I saved $400/set (I got two sets) in "dijon". They look like gold. They're a shiny gold color. They wrinkle so easily I feel like I need to iron them before putting them on the bed. I think that's the only thing wrong with them. They're so thick that you can feel the wrinkles in the sheets when you're under them so it feels weird. I've never had a problem with Overstock.com except I ordered a set of dinner plates, bowls & mugs and when they arrived, they were packed so tightly (and there was no FRAGILE stamp) that half of the items had broken to pieces on the way. I'll never buy anything breakable from them again because when I tried to contact them about it they would never reply.
I'm taking this Provigil which is like Ritalin. I can't tell if it's doing anything because it's not for depression so I still have the "doom" feeling. It's supposed to help with my motivation so at least I'll be more motivated to TRY to do things I enjoy or to do something to change my situation. I worked a little on our company website the other day which surprised me. I worked on it for about three hours and I just lost time which is how it usually is. I still can't work on redesigning my website or on WVD so I'm wondering if it was just a fluke. My therapist said it may cause me to loose some appetite as well which I totally want because I'm TOTALLY "comfort" eating. My main comfort food is a can of 98% fat free Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup with 3/4 of the can of water + Minute Rice. It ends up to be about 800+ calories so it is not something I'm okay with but I do it anyway because it makes me feel better WHILE I'M EATING IT, and only while i'm eating it. I ate so healthy this afternoon too but the thought of only having apples and soda in the house made me feel really anxious so at 8:30pm or so I was at the store buying rice & Zone bars (which I've already eaten). I need to hide my ATM and CCs from myself. It's too easy to buy food and what I REALLY wanted was candy or ice cream but with the rice in my hand I managed to keep from buying candy (or "Doughnettes" or a pint of ice cream).
My sister's first wedding shower is Saturday. I wish this whole wedding thing was just over, like it was finally June 10th and I could move on with my life. Just the thought of it consumes me. I still have to buy shoes, a new black top, a slip (the skirt I'm wearing is totally see-through), and I have to figure out how to do my hair and get my make-up last 8 hours, or at least through pictures. On top of that, my grandparents are taking us to El Torito Restaurant Wednesday for my father's 60th birthday and I can't not go, but as a vegetarian who doesn't like to eat in front of people, there aren't many options on their menu. I was discussing with my sister today what kind of alcoholic beverage I was going to drink that night. Some events just SCREAM "DRINK!" I want to try the Lemoncello and there's another drink called X-Rated Fusion that I want to try. It's pink and has a fruity flavor mixed with X-Rated Vodka. A Lemon Drop (?) sounded good until my sister explained it a little more. I'm not a huge fan of lemon flavored things so I think the Lemoncello is about all I could handle. This would obviously have to be a night where we're goofing off at home because I'm not willing to be drunk in public or around too many people, like I won't drink at her wedding. There's just too many people and catholic grand mothers and people I don't know. I wouldn't even feel comfortable being "buzzed". Besides, I have to be able to drive myself home that night.
Well, because I enjoy it so much, I need to be able to keep my eyes open at work tomorrow.
So the Welbutrin's history. I'm supposed to try Provigil for a week. I just read the package insert and it says it's for unusual sleepiness and two of the side effects are anxiety and mental problems. This sounds like the opposite of what I need. I'm sleeping fine...when I try to sleep and when I get up I'm not unusually sleepy. He was in a crabby mood today. I'd try to tell him something and he'd cut me off so I gave up. I keep insisting I don't have problems with energy, I just get the "doom" feeling whenever I want to do anything "fun" and leaving the house is extremely stressful. As a result, I think about death a lot. Simple. Not to mention my main goal is to starve myself to...nothing (which I'm incapable of doing at the moment, which only makes things worse).
I have to get up in five hours but I don't want to go to bed because then I'll just wake up and have to go to work. I don't want to wake up and I DON'T wan't to go to work. I want to eat but I SO DON'T WANT TO EAT.
Dammit.
I guess I'll go to bed. I want to eat, but that wouldn't help matters and I don't have any food here anyway. I don't want to sleep but I can't stop THINKING and I don't want to be half asleep tomorrow, it just makes work worse.
HAHAHA on "Girlfriend" they have Avril blowing into a beer bottle because it was like the same note as the music and she happened to be blowing into a beer bottle while listening to the song. If you haven't seen the bonus DVD for The Best Damn Thing YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT! It's hillarious.
I'M SO FUCKING DEPRESSED!! I don't know what to do with myself so I hung up a bunch of clothes that were collecting at the end of my bed, then I decided to wash all my linen because what better thing is there to do at 11:30pm? I have to be up at 7:30am. My therapy appointment was rescheduled to tomorrow. That may have put me down a bit too. I was really looking forward to showing her my pointe shoes and my skirt for the wedding. Speaking to my mother about it makes me angry and depressed and I'm already less than functional.
I finally got to listen to the whole Avril Lavigne CD today. TV was just so not a good background distraction so while I was typing up the lyrics (which I finished by the way and will get them posted as soon as I'm up to it) I had the CD playing. In the whole scheme of things, it's a great CD. There's just those little bits and pieces of almost every song that drive me nuts, like WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??? I was surprised to see the Eragon song on this CD. I thought that was just for that soundtrack like some of the others she's done, like Princes Diaries 2 for example. That song didn't end up on any CDs of hers.
I want to put a dark pink streak in my hair like hers ;-) I think it looks cool. My hair is a little more blond than her NATURAL color and I'm not willing to bleach it like she did so I don't know that the pink will look as good in my hair as it does in hers. I also need to get some of the stuff she uses to make her hair smooth like that. I hate not curling it under at the ends because it just doesn't look as "styled" as hers does if I don't.
Okay, I'm going to go. I'm getting that DOOM feeling again.
I'm such an idiot. My pointe shoes came in today. They're beautiful, so exciting, I wish I could actually dance in them. I SOOO wanted to not tell anyone until showed them to my therapist, she knows I'm excited about them and always makes me feel like I'm not totally weird. I just HAD to tell someone though, i just couldn't control myself. I KNEW if I showed them to my mother she wouldn't react properly and I'd feel totally upset about the encounter later. I WAS SO RIGHT. I'm such an idiot. I expect her to act "normal" but she never does and I'm always disappointed. Now I can't wait to see my therapist tomorrow to show them to her. I'm waiting for "padding" and other things to come in before I can really see if the shoes fit properly so I can't sew ribbons on or elastics because then you can't return them. I even put them on with regular nylons because the the other company I was working with (but no longer) sent me the wrong size and I can't find my receipt and they didn't even email my receipt. There's also no way to go in and check what I actually ordered so I'm kinda stuck. I KNOW I didn't order mediums, I'm not dumb. I'm so sick of my orders being screwed up. It's such a hassle and ends up costing me more money in shipping.
I was at work alone for like four hours today. My sister's in Cabo and my mother was home, then had an appointment. When she came in at 4:15 all I wanted was for her to STOP TALKING, but she continued to talk until I got up and left at 5:27.
Avril Lavigne's CD came today, The Best Damn Thing, anyone else have it? I started typing out the lyrics for the site but only got four or five songs finished. It's pretty good. I really like some songs and others are semi annoying. The really good ones all seem to have a really bad verse or bridge or whatever it's called, I don't write music. One of the songs has a small part where they say "Give me an A" [some more words] "v, very..." "R,..." and they sound like a cheerleading squad spelling out the name of their mascot or something. The rest of the song is good, there's just that one part. Then that song from Eragon is on it, which surprised me. I haven't listened to it loud, on a good sound system but I hopefully will tomorrow or something. I'm not in the mood for loud ANYTHING right now. Peace and quiet. Anyhow, I'll have the lyrics posted at some point, hopefully very soon. I have all this time at work where no one's there and there's nothing for me to do. I spend it either twiddling my thumbs or typing out these lyrics.
I wish I could eat candy all the time like those people with super fast metabolism that's only made faster by all the sugar they eat, therefore making them naturally, unfairly, skinny. I'm sitting here eating rice cakes for lunch & dinner and I still have to work my butt off to be thin. Candy is not part of that plan. I have a craving for something really sugary like Starburst or red licorice or something. Mashed potatos (just add water) will have to do for today.
Avril Lavigne is on Lucky magazine this month, looking gorgeous as ever. I love the little pink streak(s), very subtle but I'd love to do that to my hair. I wear black nail polish most of the time, sometimes I'll leave it off if I can't maintain it, but I got the tip from Avril actually to use a black Sharpie to touch up. Of course it isn't "permanent" on nails but for an evening out if you don't have time to redo your nails, it definitely does the trick.
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