Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
February 21, 2003 (11:14am) my head's all tangled and twisted with all that's right and wrong and preferable as opposed to healthy, and since it's been so long since i've been able to think more than one thought at a time, it's all getting mixed up and confused with everything that doesn't matter so much. i've got issues with taking a leap to be happy confused with the way my body looks and the unbearable thought of being rejected because of it. i'm actually capable again of being bored and it's almost as if the fact that i can think again is interfering with the slower speed at which the world can entertain me. i'm physically incapable of doing enough things at once to keep my mind happily working. it's like two years of thoughts i couldn't think, things i couldn't do are coming out and there's almost an overload. I'd never sleep again to make up for it except feeling badly, for once in my life, is an uncomfortable feeling. and the benefits of twenty-four hour stimulation on my brain, of the things i'd get accomplished, no longer outweigh exhaustion. it's too bad though, there's so much that's been muted, so much time that could have been spent creating things. i think that i'm actually feeling things again, it's more confusing than the overflow of thoughts in my head. i've been so numb for so many years, even when i was writing angry words I didn't feel them. i'm sad for people, and happy for them, things i don't recall ever being. it's hard when you finally start to see the error of your ways. it's not always easy, but in an odd way it's mildly comforting. it's nice to know your thoughts actually parallel reality, even if they don't quite match up. at the same time, it's troubling to think thoughts that don't actually have a place in this world or any other for that matter.
February 6, 2003 i keep having dreams of terror, of hiding, of rape and death, and of children providing cause and effect. i keep locking doors and windows, but it never does any good. I can't get the dreams to go away and I can't stand having them either. maybe it'd be better if i just stopped sleeping.
February 3, 2003 (12:36am) Things were going so well on the outside because i had stopped concentrating on the stuff inside. but then i get a glimmer of...something, an out. as it fades away it hurts me inside more and more. how can i go from bubbling and happy to...nothing in a matter of a few hours? it's so much safer under the covers, eyes closed, allowing the screaming in my head to lull me to sleep, to forget what drove me here, once again.
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