Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
March 28, 2003 (12:44pm) I feel bad, all my effort is going into my other website. And no one even goes there. My creativity isn't in my words though, it's in what I can provide to people if they let me host them. Maybe I should give up on that for a while, at least until someone applies. I'm neglecting my writing. I don't have anything to say though. I'm reading this book, called Pencil Dancing, about writing creatively. Specifically, I'm reading the chapters on reaching your inner...creativity. I think I've lost mine. No one in my immediate life seems to care if I eat or not, except my therapist. My health is only important if it's directly effecting how they live their lives. So lets just ignore it, maybe it'll go away. Unfortunately, I think my desire to get better has gone away with it. A Balance Bar here, some UDON noodles or white rice there. Pepsi. Oh well, at least one or two people care. I guess that's enough right? Everyone else seems to think I'm cured, so why aren't I a success at everything else, why aren't I ambitious? I am ambitious, I'm also realistic though. I'm not eating. And my class is getting more difficult because of it. I need to come home and study for my certification tests, instead I come home and sleep, or busy myself with website crap that doesn't need to be done right now. Yesterday, if you don't include the times the dog had me up I got 11hrs of sleep, 10hrs later I was asleep again and got five more hours. I'm exhausted. I want to sleep all weekend long. My body aches because I haven't been taking care of it for so long. I want to go out and have fun with my sister like I used to, get up at the crack of dawn and actually do stuff all day, not sleep. Meds are great, Lexapro, but it's my fault this time, not the depression. I guess I'm kind of in a panic. Hopefully it'll pass.
March 14, 2003 (12:55am) I don't know what I was thinking. The benefits of having someone to talk to...I don't know, I think it's all an illusion. I felt like it was all ending today, like all the positive steps that have been taken...I gave up on everything. I've still given up on things even now, on ever having anything to be happy about. When two people are having a bad day, week, life, do they gauge which is ... more "bad" or do they talk and listen equally? I'm beginning to wonder. I never thought my problems were important enough to burden others with. Maybe I was right. Maybe we're too different. How can you be let down if you're alone?
March 13, 2003 (1:52pm) There doesn't seem to be enough for me to do, there's not enough caffeine in the world to keep me awake to do it all. I hate being lazy and idle and bored and ... tired. i hate being tired above everything. I hate that I can't seem to find enough to do yet there's so much to be done.
March 8, 2003 All day I've kind of been mulling over the fact that I took, as my therapist said, "an almost suicidal dose of Ativan," or something to that effect, which i was unaware of, yet I spend every day thinking I'm functioning well enough to not be in a place like LEH. Somehow I see myself as the same person who weighed 150 three years ago and anyone who weighs less than that I see as totally skinny and perfect...Life sucks doesn't it? I spend my sessions these days telling my therapist how afraid I am that my bf's gonna tell me I've gained weight and I'm hideously fat and ugly when I go see him in a month. I'm not at all worried about the pot I plan to smoke , the *** we hope to have to have (uhem) or flying across the country alone, with a layover and agoraphobia. I'm worried about him deciding that I'm suddenly hideous and what did he ever see in me. Do you look in the mirror and actually see yourself the way you look? Or do you see something different, something unrealistic? I used to collect pictures of people who were "perfect" and stand in front of the mirror for hours *imagining* my faults. For some reason I can't *imagine* things are ever gonna be okay...
My therapist told me there are three parts to functioning. The first was can you hold down a job? The second, do you have a healthy social life (I can hardly leave my house), and I don't remember the third. But I think if you've got two out of three you're at least holding it together okay...at least that's my view. My goal is to just "hold it together." I guess I've stopped looking at how healthy my thoughts are and started looking at those questions above. I may not be able to eat anything without hating myself later or sustain any sort of severe stress without cutting but if I can go to work every day and do my job and do the things I need to do to live (such as buy groceries) then I'd say that qualifies as functioning, don't you? I mean I'm totally not doing any of those things but I think my expectations are too high. I think I can cut and still function...what do you think? *shrugs*
I don't read books about my disorders anymore, they get me down...way down. I think I've read too many as it is. I'm boycotting them
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I hate being lazy and idle and bored and ... tired. i hate being tired above everything. I hate that I can't seem to find enough to do yet there's so much to be done.
, the *** we hope to have to have (uhem) or flying across the country alone, with a layover and agoraphobia. I'm worried about him deciding that I'm suddenly hideous and what did he ever see in me. Do you look in the mirror and actually see yourself the way you look? Or do you see something different, something unrealistic? I used to collect pictures of people who were "perfect" and stand in front of the mirror for hours *imagining* my faults. For some reason I can't *imagine* things are ever gonna be okay...
