Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
January 27, 3003 I had this dream today: the whole time i was waiting for someone to come to the house (a house we just bought to rent out but my parents aren't in the dream) and do (something to hurt us) my sister was getting ready for work and wasn't even acknowledging that something was gonna happen, and it was like one of those things where you KNOW it's gonna happen you just don't know when so it's like you're just sitting around waiting for it. I pack away everything in my room to make it look like we don't live there and i urge my sister to do the same but she isn't concerned. i went in the back and tried to do something with my car besides drive away, i can't remember what. (some other stuff happens I can't remember) Then I'm looking into the master bedroom where there's this couple and the guy turns out to be an alien or something, of course i just know this, he doesn't look alien, and he rapes the woman and she immediately gives birth to a baby that looks human but isn't (somehow i know that too) and then the woman dies and now I know what this guy looks like and I go and tell the police (by now my sister's no longer in the dream) and I give him a snapshot of this guy that i somehow have and I expect him to say "that's him!" but instead he says he's never seen him. I'm riding (back home?) on this bus and I look around and everyone on the bus is one of these alien guys and that's why the guy didn't recognize the photo because they're all over, not just this one in my house and of course they all look 'human' but somehow i know they're all these alien people and the guy behind me in the seat has a baby in his hands so i know some other woman died and i start to panic again sort of like you know what's gonna happen to you, you just don't know when and you can't do anything but sit and wait for it. Then I woke up.
January 14, 2003-2 (7:56pm) I went out today with my sister to a movie. I tried to be there, in the moment, active in the conversation but it was impossibly difficult. I can't seem to get out of my head. I'd rather be outside my mind, awake and wired, scared and anxious. Instead I'm locked up inside, not so much afraid to come out as i am unable, I don't know how. I feel like without keeping my caffeine intake up, I'll just go under, silently drown. Why can't I get out of this? I feel like all I need is a little more sleep and I'll be fine. But a little more sleep and it just gets worse. So more caffeine. Always, more caffeine. I just need to wake up some more and I'll be fine. My head feels so heavy, and I'm stuck inside it, and no matter how much I want to get out, I don't know how.
January 14, 2003 (12:48pm) I'm so tired, I can't seem to wake up today. I went to bed at one, woke up at nine to talk to a friend online and then slep from ten to twelve. I feel like my motor functions are impared. My body's still asleep but my mind is awake. My mother just got home from work, I don't want her to be angry that I'm still in bed. It's not looking very hopeful for computer classes, I'm going to have to call one of the schools and get an appointment to talk to someone there. They won't make it easy on me and just send me information through mail and tell me the basic stuff I need to know before I'll even consider going there. Such as are all the classes held on a community college campus or are there any other facilities they are given at? They sound like good schools but I'm not going back to PCC. The people there drove mercedes and beemers and played really awful music really loud. And they didn't speak english at an english speaking school, and they took over the place. It was no longer a school with all different nationalities. The latin american and armenian populations were getting squeezed out. Even the caucasion population was dwindling. I can't go back there. I was so alone among thousands of people who treated you as if you were an outcast if you didn't speak their language, in an english speaking school. When they were alone they acted as if they were so angry. And the parking was absolutely hideous. You can't just go and park and get to class on time. It was like a fight to get a spot. Thousands of people driving around in circles because there weren't any left. I'm done with that. I found tons of classes you can take online from UCLA, UCSD, UMass, UPenn, Cornell. Of course they don't have what I want but if I want to try for my BS after I move away, it's all at my fingertips. Literally. Well, I could stay in bed another 12 minutes and hope that my mother leaves on time, or I could get up now, put some makeup on and get dressed, and hope she's gone by the time I'm ready to go get lunch. I promised to watch Arthur today, I've been putting it off and putting it off for no good reason at all. I'll have to start now because my sister and I are going to the theatre this evening, neither of us has a clue what's out. This should be interesting, I don't think either of us wants to go.
January 11, 2003 "i might have fallen for that when i was 14 but it's amazing what a couple years can mean"
somehow, going out to get over my social phobia seems to only make it worse. I went to the store, this woman went in front of me in line to get her kids candy. There were three of them and she was trying to explain to them why they had to have caffeine free coke instead of regular...like it wasn't completely obvious to everyone else. Then I was waiting for the cashier to finish what he was doing and these kids were scrunched up next to me and getting closer and closer and being roudy and she just stood there dealing with her little girl with curly blonde hair, screaming that she wanted a balloon.
"my mother makes me chicken the chicken makes me cough i wish that when she made it she took the feathers off"
January 9, 2003 oooo mashed potatoes with white chedder cheese for dinner...just add water. YUMMY! If I die of food poisoning tonight, blame it on the potatoes. or that soggy turkey sandwich I had for lunch. Such quality cuisine. It really makes one WANT to eat at every possible meal. I'm 21. I've been 21 for almost four days. Sure there's that extra year of freedom there, but I feel like I'm still stuck in this world. I feel like I wake up in the morning for others. I eat for...anyone but me. I'm certainly not keeping from cutting for me. I want to get out of it, I want to get a job, move away, get married, find some semblance of happiness. I hate my life, I feel so alone in it. All the things I have, the things I've gotten in the past three weeks, could never begin to make up for all that's been taken from me and all that I've had to leave behind. I just want out of all this, I want to snap my fingers and have it all go away, all the bad stuff that's taken over. I just want some peace.
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