Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
September 24, 2002 I think I'm...happy. Call it medication, call it a glimmer of hope, call it whatever you want but it's here, it's happening. And I don't want it to ever go away. Of course every time someone brings up anything related to my past, good or bad, and I fall again. Maybe it's time I make a change, like a big change. Like thousands of miles and three time zones big.
September 15, 2002 (6:24pm) My stomach hurts, my entire body aches, and i've had a headache for the past several days now. And on top of it all, I'm absolutely exhausted, sitting here waiting on my therapist at 8:24am. I really am a morning person, I swear. It's just that I've become a night person as well. It's when the sun's out and people are roaming around that I would rather not be up. I feel so awful right now, well I've really felt this way for years but at the moment it's just being magnified by the fact that I don't have any other specific issues to focus on. I'm really starting to feel for those people who have to look at me day in and day out. I mean I would prefer to not burden those who pass by me once and never again but it's those who have to sit across the room from me, listen to me talk, see all my hideous flaws, that I really feel for.
Well, it's coming up on six years since....well you know. I mean it's going to land on the same day of the week and everything. I'm going to have to sit in partial with all those people, explain to them why I feel so bad. My therapist kindly said she'd change my appointment to that day rather than the day prior to it. I wish I could avoid talking about it all together, that's the only way I've gotten through the past five years without help, something I'm not willing to ask for. I was told today that it's going to take sheer willpower to get through this....this hell I'm living. I guess right now I'm still searching for it. Yes, things have gotten worse in the past year. The social phobia, my eating routines, my view of myself, my determination. Though I'm also not in that unrealistic situation I had myself in at Occidental, in line for my PhD, expecting nothing less than greatness...something almost as unattainable as perfection. I haven't given up on a degree, I've just come to the realization that it's not going to happen in the near future, possibly not ever. Get certified, get a job, move out, establish some sense of normalcy in my life. Those are my current goals. Ultimately.
Okay my biggest pet peeve is when people take my things with or without asking and then don't return them or return them in a condition worse than that in which they found them.
I am so unbelievably tired. It's 6:20pm and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm really hurting not being able to have caffeine. It's been my life source for the past several years and now I've had to quit cold turkey. It's not that I don't attempt to sleep, I do. It's just that getting to sleep and staying asleep are another issue, one I can't seem to overcome. There are of course those times I wake up from whatever nightmare and I flat out refuse to go back to sleep. It'd probably help if I changed that attitude too.
September 12, 2002-2 2 minutes shaking in my boots, i hope she's "on time." 3 minutes scared out of my mind, catastrophic urgency combined. 4. "No, I don't attend school, I like toting around my bookbag." 7. "I'm weird that way." 8. Only the lonely sitting here in fridgid silence, staring at my shoes. 9. I'm so damn hot, it's not even funny. 11. Well, maybe just a little. 12. Laughing at my odd little thoughts, at least I can amuse myself for a time.
September 12, 2002 OMG old guy's slurping is making me crazy. Can't he drink without slurping? Some people have absolutely no manners. Like they were raised by wolves or something. And this other guy's gulping. I swear, this...is my life. And I'm furious with all the people who tell me they'll be here tomorrow or the next day and don't show up, or holler and complain that they're not allowed to be late, like that's such a huge thing to ask. It's disrespectful of the other group members who get here on time, namely me. In three months I've never once been late to group. Leave five minutes earlier or shut the hell up!!! I want to e-mail this woman who was here a couple weeks ago but I'm afraid that just like the last person I e-mailed, she won't reply and I really want to keep that good memory I have of her. She treated me normal, stood up for me, trusted me. I feel so alone here. I just want to disappear. I feel so...large, in so many ways. I feel like I've been violated again. I don't mean to seem sensitive but I don't feel good, safe in this body. I want to cut so bad. My stomach feels weird. I'm really tired too, moreso than usual. I just want to run and hide. This room is much too...open, too many people up and about. I've crawled back in this corner, in my usual chair trying to blend in with the furnature. It hasn't worked just yet but I'm 'a keep at it. Poor 40 year old guy's back inpatient. I walked by and got a "Hey kid." Hey Mr. Mind of a 14 Year Old, how's it hangin'?
September 10, 2002 (8:38pm) Well, the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter and brighter. I found out about a great training program to be a Certified Network Administrator and the entire program (11 courses) spans only five months. The first class in the course is from 9-5 Saturday and Sunday for two weeks, or 40 hours of class. This is absolutely without a doubt exactly what I've been looking for. Average entry level positions with this certification is $20.95/hour. I'm really going to try to not get too excited until this is actually working out. I mean I could start now and finish in my own time. It's perfect. I wouldn't have to go anywhere near a school campus to do it. And now with the understanding that I will probably be going to a program in December, I can take a break and resume classes when I return home. So, positives of going to a program are: I won't have to attend Christmas or my birthday, it's about time I take the next step here and try to recover, I'll have a month without any contact with my parents and it's unclear after that, and this may help prepare me for moving out of this crackhouse I'm living in. Negatives of going are: I'll have to explain to my family why I'm not at Christmas for the second year in a row and as of right now they don't know anything about what's going on with me, I'll also have to deal with the consequences of them knowing, there are the never ending fears I have about going in the first place that are too numerous to list, and my biggest worry of all is that I won't be able to have contact with the support system I've formed which is all I have in the world. A month is a long time to be without that and several months, I'm not sure I can do that. That's really the biggest concern I have. Of course failure is also an issue. I'm afraid of failing, of gaining weight or never losing any more weight, of coming back and returning to the behaviors that keep me in this place, of my parents resenting me for "spending their money" and not coming out the other end a healthy happy emotionally stable human being who's forever greatful that they've done this for me. Here I am planning out how I'm going to move away as soon as possible and never return. I want a life. And as long as I'm sitting here, in my parents' house, monetarily dependent upon them, going nowhere, I'm never going to have a life. I just want something better and sitting here contemplating my worthless existence is only making that harder. I'm concerned about my lizard, Boomer, what will happen while I'm away. He's not exactly the cute and cuddly pet my mother's used to taking care of, and I'm the only one who's willing to take him out for some exercise. Otherwise he just sits there, looking depressed, pacing back and forth until I come home to let him out. Maybe I should start looking for someone to take him, when I move away I won't be able to keep him anyhow. Lizards aren't exactly great travel companions. I was told yesterday that I have a great figure. I don't know what they were looking at but it sure as hell couldn't have been me.
Double click any word on this page for a definition.
Using Firefox? Enable definitions by downloading the extension. Sorry, this feature does not currently work in Opera or Safari.
