Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
August 28, 2002 (6:38pm) As requested, I'm making chocolate chip cookies with walnuts for tomorrow's "going away" thing at partial. I replaced the chocolate chips with chunks of bittersweet (Italian) chocolate and I'm more than a little concerned there's more chocolate and walnuts than dough. Not that I think anyone would object, but as always I'm seeking perfection--the "perfect" cookie. The funny thing is, I don't plan to eat any of them. Of course I'll have my guinea pig here at the house taste one before I serve them to the group. I promised this little old lady I'd make half without walnuts (she's allergic) and she called me "sweet, kind, thoughtful, beautiful...and for women that's a good thing." ...*scratches head* I don't believe I've told her my "agenda" for being...thin, so I'm not sure what she meant by that. I got my one on one lecture from her today, apparently I made her mad because I appeared "proud" yesterday when I told the facilitator that I exercise to lose weight and got a "come again??" look all around. Hey, they asked me, I wasn't about to sit in group and lie. Apparently, my reasons for sticking around aren't good enough and this woman, who's not too stable herself, knows best. With the exception of...well, actually everyone seems to like me okay now. Everyone seems comfortable asking me the most personal questions and telling me the most intimate details of their lives, things they've never told anyone else. I don't know if I just appear trustworthy or if I'm just stupid enough to stick around when these people start talking. The only problem I have with this is that I feel I should have advice that's a little more profound than "That's awful, I'm so sorry." What else can I say, I'm not a licensed psychologist with years of one on one therapy, with knowledge of medications and diagnoses and recovery procedures. I'm not experienced in the psychology of family dynamics or interpersonal relationships. I only know me, what I would do, what I've learned, and what I know to be true. I don't think I have sufficient experience and knowledge to provide more than an ear to listen with. I can nod my head and make empathetic comments, ask questions showing I'm listening and interested, and validate their feelings. I don't know how much help I can be. Treat the old folks like children, the teenagers like adults, and the adults like brilliant, slightly superior comrades even if they're not. Be the leader of the group with the group needs a voice, serve as buffer between stodgy facilitators and hot-headed group members, and always be kind and courteous. Finally, pay attention to everything, know how things are run, group procedure, and every story that's ever been told whether it's interesting or not. When people who feel alone think you truly care, it'll be difficult for them to find reasons not to like you. I guess it also comes in handy when you want to feel something, when you want to care, but you don't know how or you're numb. If you watch how others react, the act of caring can become a learned trait, and a valuable one at that.
August 27, 2002 (12:21pm) I'm fuming, I'm absolutely fuming. The facilitator let the new people who came to group late talk first rather than the people who have been here all day and weren't given time to process yesterday. She's only proving to me that I'm not worth shit. It's this one girl's last day also and I'm really going to miss her. Then one of the new girls talked about being sexually harassed and assaulted. I couldn't decide if I wanted to cry or scream or both so I just tried to blend into the furniture, more so than I already had. Now I'm here waiting for my therapist rather than having one last lunch with the girl who's leaving, I probably won't even get back in time to chat with her before group. Life sucks, I mean like an F5 tornado sucks up debris from the ground, like a black hole sucks up all matter and destroys it while sending it back in time. Life sucks like an empty church confessional on Sunday afternoon. I mean the sucktitude factor seems to multiply with each second that passes in silence, it triples with each syllable a person speaks with due consideration for the conversations I'm not involved in. I wish that I could do some harm, serious visual harm just to help express. Words don't even begin. 27 minutes angered, pressing, hollowed out silence. 29. I'm really not worth shit am I? I was just being dramatic before to get my point across but now...I'm not so sure. 31. Screw the "lunch" I planned to eat, I just don't care anymore. 33. Fuck it all, life...didn't seem that promising anyhow. 38. "Just one more minute please." Sure, take your time. 39. I'm fine. Really. 40. I enjoy this idle time. 41. Gives me time to think, to ponder life's inadequacies. 42. Life's...span. 43. Its usefulness. 44. Or lack thereof. 45 minutes lost to say goodbye. 46. To grieve. 47. They're probably standing back and laughing at my worthlessness. 48. My stupidity. 49 minutes of my time. They're testing me. 50. Trying to make me crack, lose control. 51. But worthlessness aside, there's really no place to hide.
August 26, 2002 (2:08am) i'm in that mood again, the one where my thoughts hold endless amusement, where hopelessness provides material for an improv comedy act that only i find funny. even sleepless nights seem fuel for mischief causing unexplained drunken schizophrenic laughter. unfortunately, this is as close as i come to prolonged unprovoked happiness and i'm not about to question or deny it. even pangs of guilt and pain, of sorrow all the more detained will not shake this hallowed grin, explain it, i will not begin. just be assured tomorrow's frown will break the gates of evil down.
August 25, 2002 (12:12pm) I hate weekends. I spend them exhausted, in full b/p mode, and bored out of my mind. During the week I'm hyped up on endless adrenaline, in full ana mode, relishing any time I get to...do nothing. It's like I go full circle in minutes. Friday afternoon from happy to sad and Monday morning back again. Of course I sometimes prefer the saddened weekends when I'm not constantly reminded of my shortcomings. I was gonna study physics at Occidental, become a brilliant engineer at Caltech, and become the first female to run the control room at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida. I was gonna be great at something and there was no doubt in my mind that I'd accomplish it. I was going to conquer the world, nothing less. And somehow, I was on my way, and no one seemed to notice how unrealistic my plan was. I had no room in my plans for relationships of any sort, and my family was slowly being removed from the equation. For a long time I even had planned to be on the United States Equestrian Team, go to the olympics, be an incredible painter and poet, to write a novel, get a PhD, learn Latin and German, be great at anything and everything I set my mind to. I would wear myself out thinking up the things I HAD to accomplish before I'd be worth anything. These days I wear myself out thinking about waking up in the morning. I still believe I have to be great to be worth anything, but not necessarily great in a Napoleonic "I have to rule the world" sort of way. Greatness comes in many forms, I just have to find one that's within my reach.
August 22, 2002 (7:33pm) I'm so ready for this to end. The night isn't half over and I'm in agony. For once I'm hungry and I want to eat but that would require seeing my mother, allowing her to see me eat. Even more than that, I want some water. But I'm not willing to risk a sighting for water. She brought this on herself. She won't allow for criticism and only claims to be the victim when you try to give her any. I promised my therapist I wouldn't do any cutting this weekend. My other self destructive habit is serious enough. I'd have to agree, though I'm gonna be obsessing over it all weekend. I wish I could go to sleep now, and it's not even dark yet.
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