Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
August 8, 2002 (3:21pm) do you ever just wish everyone would let you be, let you wither away in peace? that's how I feel right now. everyone wants for me what I don't want for myself. every now and then i get a glimpse of wanting this pain to be over, but I only feel it when things are so bad that the only way to make it go away is to sleep. surprisingly, even though things have been the worst they've been in a long time, I haven't once been suicidal. quite hopeless at times, like this hell i'm living isn't temporary and the only direction I can go from here is down, but never suicidal. it's quite peculiar actually. I'm quite prone to thoughts of suicide but things are reasonable right now. I have moments of great self-hatred but they pass. and it's when they pass that everything seems livable, almost desirable at times. my parents want to help me but they don't know how to be serious. my life is serious and the only way they can hear it or discuss it is to make it a joke. "Does being addicted to M&M's count as a food addiction?" my father would ask with great sarcasm and a loud chuckle. I even got upset with my mother for laughing at the possibility of my entering and ED Program and she got angry with me for getting upset with her, saying she had a right to laugh. I mean how screwed up is that? It's like she was saying "I'm not laughing at you, no wait...yes I am!" And she doesn't think I have reason to be upset with her. Then my father, Mr. Indescreet doesn't even speak to me anymore now that my "secret" is out. That's fine, I don't want to hear anything he has to say anymore. I don't want to hear what either of them has to say ever again. And my sister, the recreational drunk doesn't understand why I don't want to hang out with her. Everyone says she'll grow out of it but...how much more "growing" does she have to do? Okay time for mindless cartoons. I've done all the analysing I can for one day.
August 3, 2002-4 (10:18pm) i'm ruining the most important relationships I have all because i can't eat an apple. i can't even force myself to go to school. i look in the mirror and see this hideous thing, i feel hideious and i don't want people to have to look at me. i don't deserve to eat, my body should be able to live without it.
August 3, 2002-3 (8:30pm) I'm a little out of sorts at the moment, I think maybe it's hitting me, how serious this really is, how much control it has over me. The fact of the matter is, the one thing I thought I had control of, I don't...the only control I have is how long I let it worsen before I get help. There is that fear that tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and it's gonna be gone, and I'll have to go through this again and again before I do anything about it. All I can really do is get through the next few days so that I can talk to someone. I don't know what else I can do that won't make things worse. I have to say though, I've surprised myself. I'm still not suicidal and I don't want to cut, so maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
August 3, 2002-2 (7:22pm) i've about hit my braking point. either i binge or i just fall apart. unfortunately, falling apart sounds more appealing to me right now. i want to order a pizza and breadsticks. but the consequences of that might be even greater than starving. i can't even walk past the kitchen where my parents are preparing dinner without my eyes filling with tears. this is ridiculous, i can't live like this. but how do i learn to eat without gaining loads of weight? that would be equally awful. i can't even think like this. i don't know how i'm gonna go to class on monday, not to mention the whole week and write my paper and pass the final. i can hardly watch cartoons much less get any work done. i'm gonna have to eat soon or i'm just gonna lose it. though it's just gonna be a cup of rice or something. i don't think i can do more than that and still hold it together. my whole body's begging me to eat but my mind has me convinced i should. this weekend's really gonna be a long one. i can't do anything but sit here pretending to be okay, all the while agonizing over when my next meal will be and what i'll have. i just want to sleep.
August 3, 2002 (12:25am) the dual facilitator called me "little one" today. "Hey little one, how yah doin' today?" *shurgs* it's better than "shorty." I'm suddenly wondering how i did without any really close friends the last few years. I wonder if things would have been different. I know the last 8 months would have been unbelievably difficult without the two I have now.
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