Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
August 20, 2002 (7:46pm) Too many pills, not enough food, and liters of water have my body asking if it's up or down or shakey or strong or ready to explode. I think all of the above are actually true. I think the partial facilitator is giving up on me after working with me only a week and two days, some of the worst days i've had in a long time. i want to see my therapist, she seems to be able to offer some hope when i don't have any. i really needed a couple hours to myself today but i swear an alarm sounds in my mother's head and she's here making the situation worse by...existing. i'm in my hopeless "life is shit, i'm dead decaying pond scum and i might as well eat worms" mood and i have no regard for the amount of pills that i've swallowed, the food that i haven't, and how much i'm hurting those who matter most because of it. (Friend quality #1: doesn't let me get away with any of my shit--doesn't just let me wallow, doesn't let me "slip by" unnoticed with things I shouldn't be doing) Right now all I've got is a best friend whos made all the difference in the world, an amzing therapist i only wish i had met sooner, a great friend online i can relate to with my eating disorder, parents who don't take me seriously, a family that's oblivious, and a sister...you should see her walk on water. Hell of a support system. I seem to know exactly what I don't want my friends to be but haven't a clue what they should be. (Friend quality #2: respectful of my things, my time, and my feelings while asking the same for themself from myself and others) I was told yesterday for the first time in my life that I'm not shy. That I'm very good at standing up for myself and others when it's needed, that i'm good at saying a lot without speaking a word, that i'm so sweet and kind and supportive yada yada yada. I'm feeling like I need to go binge or something and I don't want to. I'm in a bad enough mood, I don't need to add food to that list. I wonder if it's possible to "overdose" on diet pills and laxies...*shrugs*
August 19, 2002 (11:26pm) When being in your home is unbearable, when arguments become hourly and locking yourself in a dark, cold closet sounds...almost preferable, how do you get by? When your daily retreat turns hostile, what are you left with? It's hard finding hope in a hopeless environment. Disappearing...literally becomes your only hope, the aches and pains of starvation become nothing in comparison to your need for some control...ANY control. Even as you watch your reflection dim, your figure get lost within clothes two sizes to big and thinning, there's still control to be had, and you'll do anything to take it. What you've forgotten is that you have all the control you'll ever need by...living. You control your family's thoughts, actions, words by walking into a room. They hang on your every word, they walk on egg shells around you, but you don't see it. Back to your mirror you go, searching for...something. You never find it. But there you go again forever looking, straining to see a reason for all your pain, some order in a chaotic world. There's hope in causing pain, and you know that. And for the time being, that's enough for you.
August 15, 2002-3 (11:38pm) I wonder what the powers that be would think if they found out my "anorexia" diagnosis has been changed to "full-blown bulimarexia." I'm less than satisfied with myself for that one. At one time it would have been a great accomplishment to be diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and now, with that one down pat, I'm not so happy about this new..."accomplishment." I'm normally left feeling insulted if someone asks if I'm bulimic, now it's a word you could use to describe me...ME, this is not a good thing. Now I have to go to partial tomorrow and tell everyone how irritated that makes me feel. It's like when one guy asked me if I self-harm in any way, addictions included, and I said very non-shalantly, "well I cut." Everyone gasped, how could I say something like that so calmly. my "irritation" about being labeled other than anorexic is gonna raise some eybrows. Oh well, I'm all for a little conflict to liven up the day. Fridays are usually a little slow anyhow.
August 15, 2002-2 (1:14pm) shaking from hunger and fits of rage, I couldn't keep anything down if I wanted to. I wonder what the repercussions of having that sugar free hot chocolate for lunch are gonna be. do you think it will hinder my ability to effectively lose weight? and i can't take my dieuretics until later, it might look suspicious if i pop a few right here in the doctor's office. not to mention if my therapist calls me in as i'm doing it. i don't want to go home today, i just can't take the ridicule. Sitting here alone I feel so fat, i look down and all i see is fat appendages. Though everyone tells me I'm quite mistaken.
August 12, 2002-3 (12:42pm) Is it a bad thing to eat because you feel guilty then when you come to your senses afterwards, to pop some laxies and dieuretics? I thought so. I feel REALLY bad, and I never feel bad about not eating. I feel like a terrible person who's done terrible things, who doesn't deserve the clothes on her back, the crumbs of food and pills in her stomach, the ground she stands on. And as much as I wish I could take it all back, as much as I wish I could choose life over honor, I'm terrified of being well, of seeking health. Believe me when I say I want normalcy, I'm just afraid to walk down the path leading there because what if I should stumble along the way? What then? What if I should fall, break a bone, tear a muscle, be forever blinded by the sun, be guaranteed I'll never reach my target? What if I'm forced to return here after seeing something better? How could I ever face myself again? Wouldn't it be safter to stay right here, foregoing truth, to never fall again, to disappoint the souls that wish me well? I only wish I could see it the other way.
Double click any word on this page for a definition.
Using Firefox? Enable definitions by downloading the extension. Sorry, this feature does not currently work in Opera or Safari.
