Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
July 23, 2002 (10:20am) even as the scale begins to fall i'm not satisfied, my efforts oughtn't merit worry. i'm not emaciated yet. my first midterm "back" where i felt like a functioning human being was today. if the professor doesn't give me a B I'll be seriously bothered. Instead of a paragraph comparing two religions, I wrote an essay summarizing them as well. I believe I did exceedingly well under the circumstances. i left a half hour early for partial because i finished the midterm early and when i got here the front door was locked. so naturally i ran the doorbell and no one came. so here i sit out on the deck wishing group would hurry up and end already and that someone would unlock the door for me. I'm feeling very alone and exposed out here, even though there's no one around except the security guard(s) who refuse to be seen. i feel oddly like i'm geing watched because it's so damn...peaceful sitting here. i've got my earphones on kinda loud and although no one can come up behind me without trampling a hedge and hopping a somewhat high railing, i still have this fear i'm not safe here alone. this whole paranoia kick is really starting to get the better of me. i can't even sit here without surveying my surroundings every ten seconds. unfortunately that requires a 270 degree rotation, an obvious shift to any accidental observer. i wonder what the security guards are thingking of me. even the constant barage of scurrying critters has me uneasy. group should have ended two minutes ago. and now with my music stopped, the sounds of the hospital grounds and the cars passing on the avenue just beyond the ivy covered walls sounds excessive. birds chirping, squirrels scuttling around, trees rustling. why do they have to do this? why can't they just sit, awaiting...something more, something that might justify the scratching, screechy, screaming in my ears? Silence has a certain finesse, a quality unlike any other. it holds a secret so profound that if silence were ever fully acheived, the world might pause in it's rotation, the sun flicker, the stars fall. the universe colliding in upon itself would be limitless, mute, obscene. and in the end white noise, piercingly strong, would break the ties of bondage leaving purity behind. how's that for imagination?
July 22, 2002 i've got those hunger pains where your stomach feels like it's folding in on itself. if i can endure them for the day i'm home free. all that i'll have to watch for are cravings, which can be killer, especially when i don't have to make that treck to the store to get food. my longest in the past two months was nine days upon discharge from the hospital. birthday cake and watermelon broke the spell. this time i have a bit stronger motivation than rebellion. a bit more self control, more tollerance. i've found that necessary distraction from all things culinary, something crucial to my success at...failing. realistically that's what it is, failure to correctly function. i should be taking notes but my stomach feels this need to perform it's duities, to digest something but there's nothing there so it's forced to turn on itself.
July 21, 2002-2 (6:12am) i'm just not sleeping anymore, I don't know why and if I don't crash today. I'll crash tomorrow or when i most need to be awake and aware. two to two and a half hours this time, three hours yesterday, sleeping pills and all. there's nothing on television. i swear to god they played two music videos and went back to commercials, I rely on VH1's Insomniac Music Theater these days to either put me to sleep, my digital visual sandman, or to entertain me until my savior dawn approaches, allowing me to feign normalcy. it's widely known i hardly sleep but once in a while i prefer to avoid the mockery, the speculation i so often endure. either i'm not eating enough, eating too much, i'm self injuring, or not sleeping. i just can't seem to find a happy medium without them. it's been 20 minutes and i already feel like i'm crashing, seen as the sun's not quite up yet, it's probably a good thing.
July 21, 2002 (3:17am) when knowledge deceives you, what are you left with? when all you know are sobs and sniffles, crinkly white paper tissue holding tears at bay, the hardened truth that nothing has ever been okay, that lying deep inside you is pain unmastered, unbridled, forbidden. do you share the fear withheld so long, or do you keep it deeply hidden? do you assume the victim stance alone, tread through the memories you've tried to disown? it seems to me the pain will faid with time, but how do i survive in the meantime?
July 20, 2002 (5:05pm) hee hee hee...Jesus Christ I'm like a litte kid in a candy store. I searched for Xenadrine or any similar product at my local Save-On a year ago and didn't find anything worth wasting my money on. Nothing had ephedrine or "ephedrine free" even. Well, today I go to see if they have anything new and OMG I find Xenadrine! With Ephedrine. Now, the woman had to check my ID to make sure I was over 18 and I swear to god she was scowling at me the whole time. I think by then I had completely blocked out the fact that there were people in line behind me because I would have seriously panicked if I hadn't. It was all I could do to not start smiling right there at the check-out counter thingy. It was like I had this brand new sparkling top of the line one of a kind technologically advanced toy that no one else had and I needed to run home and brag about it. Golly, I have this renewed hope. I've never used diet pills before but you better believe I will be using them now. I think the only reason I've ever been against diet pills with Ephedra in them is because I couldn't get any of my own. I'm suddenly not so worried that people have had strokes from it, suffered severe and permanent damage from it, and even died from it. I ran home and took two, with the convincing thought that I have a whole year to make up for. Seriously not healthy, I know, but let's not get all pro-active until the time-frame qualifies as long-term.
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