Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
July 16, 2002-2 (9:26am) her waiste is like 20 inches or less i swear. motivation, exploration, fragmentation, vindication, wonderment, implement, sentement, excrement, liable, viable, satiable, mendable. you can see what my head's obsessing over. obsess, obsess, obsess. with a perfect view of ana girl i can fake looking at the professor. they make it too easy for me. now if only i could get someone to offer me up some speed....*wink*
July 16, 2002 (8:16am) my tired snow covered mind wants to rest today rather than hear mr. googly pants talk. ana girl just walked in looking as boney as ever and i'd just as much prefer not to have to look at that today. why can some people have it all while others have little or nothing? i don't need to be reminded of my short commings, i get enough of that by just looking in the mirror every morning. maybe she's on speed. maybe that's what gives her the upper hand. Hmmmm...ideas, ideas....
July 15, 2002 (8:43pm) the facilitator today asked me about wearing long sleeves all the time. i guess because there were only four of us and i was being little miss chatty pants. she didn't want to "offend" me but i told her to go ahehad and ask. i just shrugged and said because i have scars on my arms. she apologized, though i'm not sure why. of all the things she could have asked me, that was about the least offending. when i processed, we somehow ended up talking about my father and how he "moved out" when I was 13 or so. moved out is a bit of an exaggeration but she said it still effected me. i guess all my efforts at getting his attention may be proof it effected me. she also wasn't thrilled with the fact that he only jokes about my illness, it's not something he's ever taken seriously. i think everyone's running around like chickens with their heads cut off after my little anxiety attack last week. it's not like i don't have them on a regular basis. it's just that they don't see them significant enough to warrent a frenzy over. last week's was borderline but i feel better after telling someone. it seems to subside a lot faster when i'm not alone in it.
July 15, 2002-2 (10:23am) i've gotten all i can out of this class for today. my mind keeps drifting to quite noticeably ana girl in the front of the class here. arms aren't supposed to look like that unless they're being deprived of something. if i looked like that i wouldn't hide beneath baggy clothes. i'd show off my self-control like a great big red glittery flashing highway billboard for everyone to see. as you can see i'm feeling very triggered today.
July 14, 2002-2 What do you say to a person when all you want to do is wrap your arms around them and tell them everything's gonna be all right, but you can't. what do you do when touch is something feared for so long that you start to crave it, so much so that you cringe at the thought. and when touch is real you fear you'll hurt inside and out because that's the last memory you have? how long will it be before things are back to normal? what do i have to do to learn to feel and not react? it all seems normal sometimes. like they're the ones going to excess. like for once "normal" is something I can use to describe myself. But then of course I wake up.
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