Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
July 28, 2002-4 (9:36pm) well, my father and i just went for a long drive...just to see "how the other half lives." we got a little lost and ended up taking some unpleasant strolls down memory lane--horses and Oxy--but "we didn't get shot and we saw some deer so i think we did okay," as my father so eloquently put it. i think i would have phrased it differently. i just ate a couple cheese nips and four green grapes, my stomach feels like it's going on strike. i got a 20oz regular soda and a big bag of cheese nips, i'm thanking god i didn't eat more than i did. yeah i didn't need that little drive past Oxy. I could just about shoot myself for leaving that place, for selling my horse. i still want to cut super bad. the drive only postponed it, then magnified it. i think i need to just get the hell outta Dodge...uh, i mean L.A. I need to get out of L.A. and if i go far enough *hint hint* they can come visit me if they want to see me so bad. i shouldn't be here, it just isn't good for me anymore. OMG it's starting to hit me that i only have partial three days next week instead of five. what the hell am i gonna do with myself? as one woman put it "she's not eating! she can't go down to three days!" my thought exactly (but without the exlamation marks)...I sitll don't see this anorexia thing as terribly serious. i guess it's all perspective.
July 28, 2002-3 (6:52pm) my mother and sister just went to an alan jackson concert, i'm stuck here alone with my father, mr. indiscreet. all he does is hog the one computer i can update my site on. it's in the center of the house so whenever i go anywhere i have to pass right by him, he sees everything. i want to sit in here and cut despite him, walk around with blood gushing in front of him. if i bled to deatha in the next room he wouldn't notice, or if by the off chance he did, he wouldn't do anything. it's times like this, the only way i'll get through is by being alone, odd as that sounds. but i won't get any time alone until tuesday afternooon or evening. they cut my days back to three days at partial. i'm afraid of those days, i'll have to sit and think. i'm just not cut out for down time. am i destined to feel this badly forever? even meds don't seem to work anymore. i don't want them to be increased or, god forbid, changed, but i'm not sure i can be at a normal functioning level without them. the side-effects are almost bad enough to where this mood doesn't seem so unbearable. i can always go drive around for a while, that usually raises my spirits. at least that lets me know there are possibilities out there, that i'm not confined to this, imprisoned. someday i will be free.
July 28, 2002-2 (6:07pm) i don't know why but i am so incredibly down right now. it's 5:30pm and i just want to pull the covers over my head and sleep. my stomach hurts, i finally gave in and ate dinner but i feel like i'm gonna throw up before my body has time to digest it. i've lost weight but all i see when i look in the mirror is fat. my parents, they see right through this sadness they see loud music, good school attendance, occasionally running errands. to them i'm functioning, when all i want to do is get through this second in time because more than that feels too overwhelming. i wish my parents knew how much i struggle just to appear to function. they think it's easy for me. they don't understand how hard it is to be attentive when they talk, to put a bite of food in my mouth and swallow, to not self-destruct, and to live this way in secret. of all things that's the hardest part. to be this way on the inside yet live behind this finely crafted facade. and i can't tell them because if they knew how i struggle each day i'd never again live in peace, peace on the outsdide. so surely there'd never be at peace on the inside, though either way i'm not sure i'll ever know the benefit of that. there's too much, too many bad thoughts that never slow much less stop. i want to write some poetry, it's been so long. but i'm not feeling very poetic right now. i just want to sleep until tomorrow when i'll be too busy to dwell on the bad things. i've been trying for hours now to keep from crying. i'm not sure how much longer that will last though. i'm only so strong.
July 28, 2002 (1:09pm) even though my desire to paint is killing me, my desire to fail is not. i'm not sure my hand is steady enough for anything serious anyhow. even writing seems a little uncontrolled at the moment. i'm seriously bored. maybe i'll go play on the computer for a while.
July 27, 2002-2 (10:14pm) okay for the sake of personal curiousity, i'm gonna chronicle my "disordered" eating: as I mentioned, I started bingeining freshman year. because my father wasn't home, no meals were made so i could eat whenever and whatever. i had far more than three meals a day and they were hardly "square." if i missed a meal it was accidental and rare. about the time i started cutting (may 2000), I became a vegetarian to start cutting out fat. i then became health-nut, then super health-nut, then i started easily restricting. by february 2001 i was hardly eating and by april i was starving myself completely. in the hospital i had three square meals at my disposal and the last week i was eating fairly "normal." upon discharge i began binge eating again. in december 2001 i found my desires to starve fading surprisingly, but form then on my mind-set returned to restricting and has been ever since. i started (easily) starving in the end of may and that's where i am today, without any desire to recover. it's the worst it's ever been (my mindset) including in april 2001. i wasn't eating then but it was also convenient not to. i could go a second without considering food unlike today in which it's all i ever think of. anyhow, with that done, i think i'll turn in for the night so that i don't start nibbling on grapes. besides, neither my hand nor my brain are fit for extensive writing at the moment. food depravation has my thought process and motor functions slightly scrambled
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