Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
I'm so tired I can Hardly keep my eyes open. but i slept fine last night without my sleeping pill. i had boysenberry yogurt for breakfast. my stomach isn't growling but i'm really weak. it hurts to walk, i feel like i need to go running and stretch my muscles but i hardly have enough energy to walk much less run. i can see my collar bones. that's unusual for me and extremely encouraging. it means I'm being successful at this thing, i've accomplished something. i haven't been able to do that in a while. I only wish you could see them better. that i could feel my pelvic bone more. that my face was less round. in group this morning the social worker said "okay who wants to start" and I sorta looked around the room and saw the woman next to me (the one I joined at lunch yesterday) and she was just lookin' at me. i said "why yah lookin' at me?" and chuckling. she said "this is the sweetest girl" how embarrassing and another woman from lunch chimed in.
Leisure time: physical, social, fun, relaxing.
At lunch today I ate with a bunch of people i don't usually eat with. they balked at the food i was eating and it seems there are three people with or in recovery from bulimia. then my therapist came long after i finished. when we were done she wanted to get some lunch and i went to a table where the two women from yesterday were sitting and "pregnant-looking belly in a leotard" woman came over and started telling us about her sex life. i started freaking out and one woman at the table commented on my "virgin ears" i didn't want to ruin the moment and the laughter so i played along. i didn't have the heart to tell her they aren't virgin ears and neither am I. the only problem i had was the picture that was forming in my mind. i think i'm scarred for life. her mid 70's husband i now know can't get it up. virgin or not, my ears just can't handle that. i'm doing wash right now but the guy said to sit tight until my pdoc came or i probably won't get to see him. i should just not be here, that way i can have one more day of peace and maybe one more day here. i'll type this up then do my laundry.
I really don't want to eat dinner tonight, but I want to sit with this group so I guess I'll pick at a salad. my pdoc came by, upped my effexor and decreased my zyprexa. he told me to tell my therapist not to send me to the san diego ED program. They don't allow contact with referral doctors there. the oddest thing, all these people keep saying hi to me and acting like they've known me for years and i haven't the slightest idea who they are, we were never introduced. they say "Hi [bela]" all entheusiastic like but all i can do is say hi back because i don't know their names. i feel really bad about it too. i hate not knowing people's names especially when they know mine.
so frail, so small, with all your strength you'll conquer all. from what i've seen, from what i've heard, i know you'll think it much too hard, but with that twinkle in your eye, you're courage won't ever die. take your time and patience have, take the good days with the bad, the hurt will end soon enough, so don't give up when things are tough.
Assertiveness: direct, polite, honest, able to have their needs met, maintain a sense of self without damaging relationship, firm, no mixed messages, eye contact.
I made some new friends today, just by talking, being kind. In group I walked into the room where a new girl was sitting alone. I walked up and said "Hi what's your name?" and held out my hand to shake. She said her name, shook my hand and asked my name. We chatted for about five seconds and then people started showing up for group. In group I mentioned that I was trying to eat and do well so I could transfer to an eating disorders program, or that I was looking into it. Then the woman I introduced myself to and another woman I've been trying to hang out with unsuccessfully, just came right out and we started discussing food and groups for ED's (they over-eat while I under-eat) and just talked about it in the small time we had left. Then about 11:30am I went in for lunch and the woman I've been trying to hang out with was sitting alone again, so again I sat with her and somehow we just got talking about food, which lead to her telling me her favorite tv channel is food network so we talked about some of the chefs on there. Then the woman i introduced myself to came and asked if she could sit down so the three of us chatted, and another girl came but she didn't talk the whole time. Anyhow this one woman wanted something from the kitchen but wasn't getting it so the other woman nudged me to get it for her. I did and she was happily surprised when I came out with it. Then, she walks with a cane so I took her tray to the kitchen for her. Then after checking my phone messages I sat in the lounge and started writing and she was watching Days of Our Lives. I hope dinner's the same way because we got there when lunch started and talked until they closed the cafeteria. They all ate "normal" at lunch today while I picked at a salad and sipped a diet soda.
I went for three walks today. My joints are really stiff so every three hours or so I'm gonna try to walk. I'm painting a stain glass thing in arts and crafts with a lighthouse and seagulls and a sort of "boat" theme for a border. It's cute. I still don't know if I'm leaving today or not. My pdoc hasn't come by yet so I don't' even know if he called my insurance or not. I really don't want to leave. I'm not ready. I hope my father was wrong about the co-payment being 50%, the guy told me 30% (the guy being someone working for our insurance company) It's a beautiful, mildly hot spring day and I'm sitting, well...lying with my knees up rather, on a couch in the lounge with the noise of the television in the background. Group this morning was...definitely not boring. In the communication skills group we took an assertiveness test and everyone got in the sixty and above. I got 37. Therefore the "leader" of the group picked on me the whole time. We did roll playing, the "leader" and I. It was soooo incredibly embarrassing. And if I wasn't assertive enough I had to say it again. OMG.
No one ever told me I could gain weight by drinking as much soda as I do. I think I'll try drinking diet again. every other time I tried it I didn't know (duh) so I went back to it. We'll see what happens I guess. This man stopped me in the lounge while getting my things and said "I have to tell you something. Now I don't know how you're gonna take it but," (this is where I start worrying that my dog died or something), "You have the most beautiful hair." I mean WOW! Though I was afraid he was gonna touch it or something. crazy pregnant-looking woman in the leotard said "We'll call you [bela], girl with the golden locks," then this man chimed in and said "Goldy Locks." Well, I've got something going for me after all. He went on about how he saw me walk by and was gonna follow me but I went down the hall into my room and when I came back is when he stopped me. You know I can't exactly see my hair from the back but, you know those commercials where the hair is so smooth and tangle-free that you can just run your fingers through it? Well, mine totally feels that way. I have a feeling if I blow-dried it it wouldn't feel this way anymore so I'm gonna try to do this from now on, just let it dry on it's own, the waves in front are really cute, just a small piece sort of underneath has perfect waves and my hair stays out of my face mostly. Anyhoo, enough about my hair.
The soft sensual lull of the humming machines, broken and battered by unseen hands, forceful yet vigilant they lie and cheat with heartless souls of stone. To reconcile take my hand, learn patience from watching me, for I am the machine you battered and broke, the other me inside, the one who feels hunger, cries tears of rain. I'm lost without your steel facade, drink me in or I'll fade away and shelter me in battle, for you and i are two pieces of the same amazing whole, hidden away with your own hands, so you could take control.
Not bad, not bad. Could be better, may have to be in my shoes to understand it but I don't care. I'm actually really liking it. I feel like the next time I stand up too quickly I'm gonna black out. Two tiny bowls of salad and yogurt seem to no longer hold me over. well...once maybe but not two days in a row. it feels great though. I thought I wouldn't miss this feeling but I do. I ate dinner with the red head tonight because she said "Why yah sittin' all the way over there?" and when she saw my salad said, "What, are you on a diet?" I didn't want to. She's nice and all, it's just that our conversation was quite strained. then I didn't know what to say when I left or if I should sit and "chat" for a while until they finished their food. I wish those people I hung out with at lunch want to do something other than sit in their rooms with the doors shut. the local RN's doing rounds and I had to explain why my mood is down from yesterday..."They're sending me to an eating disorders program in San Diego." Hey, it got him off my back. He's a little older than me so I didn't want to spill my guts. (Oh and lying is sooo much better...kidding) At dinner I asked this one girl to sit with us because she was eating alone. We talked about food the entire time. She said she feels depressed when she eats candy or something. I said I feel guilty if I eat anything. She said yes, I definitely have an ED. That eating shouldn't do that...well DUH. Still no word on my discharge. ooo never mind, my mother just called and said I'll be here 3-5 more days so no more worrying *wink*
well my therapist just left, actually I went for a walk after she left. She talked to my mother about the eating disorder program in san diego. apparently she's okay with me going. My therapist really wants me to go, I need my one last hurrah before I go. I'm not eating tomorrow. Right now I'm hardly eating but I am. Two salads and yogurt throughout the day. I have to be LOW to go there, if you know what i mean. my hands are shaking really bad. i think they stopped after i ate so i think they'll be back. whenever i stand i feel like i'm gonna blackout. i was sitting at dinner, just sitting there and all of a sudden i thought i was gonna faint. it was an awesome feeling, kinda scary though. how embarrassing that would be. right in front of three people who can't seem to stop eating. i don't know if this is gonna go over well but we'll see. i may have to pretend, if that's possible. i don't have anyone conspiring against me though i also don't have anyone to help me either. oh well, they don't have any orders to count calories or make sure i eat or make me sit outside the nurse's station for 90 minutes after each meal. lucky, lucky me. they just might regret that. my therapist's the only one pushing me to eat, she sees me every day too. she knows i'm not eating and i'm not gonna eat just because she says to. she said "eat a square meal three times a day" and I sorta...uh huh, sure kinda sarcasm. she laughed but i don't think it was because i said anything funny. i can't get my head to stop spinning. i was just sitting here and i was so dizzy. just walking from the lounge to my room was work. i hardly have enough energy to pick up my feet. on my walk i was afraid i'd faint i was so tired. my therapist wants me to tell my pdoc about the dizziness and the shaking. he's bound to ask if i'm eating. i'm really really weak right now like i can't even hold up my head weak. it feels great but it's a bit unfun when you can't share it with someone, laugh about it. right now everyone's old enough to "mother" me. the red-head even said that i must be hard being to much younger than everyone else (not to my face) It is socializing-wise but everyone likes me, thinks i'm cute and if that's all i can get, then i'll gladly take it. i would prefer the relationship i had with my roommate before she left but i have a single room now so it's hard to meet anyone and be that close. i can't even find someone to hang out with between meals. it's awkward eating like i do in a group of people but i'll take it if it's all i can get. i just played scategories with the two people i wanted to make friends with. i had fun, even though i was getting impatient.
Breakfast: Strawberry yogurt, milk. The meds guy caught me tonguing my meds. I told him I took them though. The guy who took vitals this morning saw my cuts and asked if I cut myself. I'm all "no, my cat did it" he's all "really?" "no, not really." Peggy, the resident psycho is calling me "cutie," loves my hair and says I'm beautiful, coming from her that's not a huge complement. Although I haven't heard her say it to anyone else. Crazy wig lady's calling me "sugarpuse." (sp?) I seem to have made friends with just about everyone, a few more to go. I'm shaking like a leaf from lithium I guess. My eyes are all screwed up. I'm ME here. I smile and laugh several times a day. I socialize like nowhere else, I can make idle conversation with ease. And I enjoy it. Everyone knows who I am and they smile and wave and I'll initiate conversations all day long. This is how I should be in the outside world. Is it not? I'm supposed to be writing a letter to my parents, telling them all the things I feel they need to know. Dear mom and dad, Your daughter's a whore. I mean what do I say to them that will answer the questions they won't know how to ask? What do I say to make them believe? I have something to tell you and before you ask any questions, please let me say this. My eating disorder, the cutting, the social phobia, and the depression did not happen for the reasons I've been telling you. I never told you why because I didn't think you'd believe me, or that you would react in a way that I couldn't handle. You're going to have a lot of questions and I will do my best to answer them, but let me finish first.
You don't have to weight 90lbs to have an eating disorder. It is abnormal thoughts about food and body weight. From freshman year to senior year I was bingeing, after graduation I started starving myself and cutting because I needed some control and this felt like the only way. I'm still cutting and May 23 I cut pretty bad and I had decided that I wanted to starve myself to death. That's why I went into the hospital. I need to do partial or an eating disorders in-patient program because I still want to starve myself. My therapist has all of the razor blades I have but all she can do about the eating is verbal and she's not there when I eat so it's difficult. My daily caloric intake used to be about 100cals. I try to eat and I get depressed even more. At one point a couple months ago I could hardly drink water without getting depressed. I was even bingeing and purging for a while. Of course you don't think it's serious, it's because you can't see. You don't know all the things that go through my head when I sit down to eat, how horrible it feels to be full, I feel like a failure. And when my stomach feels like a vacuum it's so empty, I feel like I'm in control, like I've accomplished something. I can't "just eat." I need to learn what "normal" eating habits are because I don't remember, and i need the thoughts to go away and no matter how hard I try, I just can't do it alone. I want you to read this book for me: "Stick Figure" it will help you understand. I'm still cutting and I haven't stopped for more than a couple months since I started. I'm not asking you to understand because you can't. All I'm asking is that you believe me...
My roommate left without saying goodbye. I've had three guys walk up to me and introduce themselves. One was a Metallica-lead-singer look-alike named George, that happened at lunch. Then he sat down and started chatting. someone from his table told him to stop harassing me so he left. The second one was tall and skinny with a mustache named Jeff. He commented on my choice of meals, "Is salad all you eat?" (I had salad for lunch and dinner) and asked me to sit at their table (They being their unit's table) "We're really not bad people" though I was done eating and said I had to go, that I didn't think they were bad people (with exception of one, though I didn't say that). Then as I was putting a puzzle together some guy who works here made small-talk, introduced himself to me as Fernando. I think there are few people who don't know me here. How I manage that one, I have no clue. Sit around saying please and thank you, help people, humor them, listen when they talk, and be patient. I guess...? That's all I really do. Lunch: small salad. Dinner: smaller salad. My pdoc came by today and he said my blood tests are perfect, asked if I was a vegetarian, I said I was then he said: well, whatever you're doing, don't stop 'cause it works. I'm thinking maybe they switched my blood with someone else's. Does my hair look different or something? Because this is NOT normal. Kinda cool though. My eyes feel so weird they're watering. I can't figure out some of these people though. Some only come out for meals, others are ALWAYS out but just wandering around aimlessly. I want to be friends with the recluse and her loyal subject. This one girl has bulimia, never comes out of her room, hardly. The other was just nice to me and she doesn't seem to hate me. That's always a plus. No more sitting outside with the chain-smoking gang though. I can feel the smoke in my lungs. Social recreation this evening. What the hell's social recreation.??
My mother hasn't called today, I wonder if my therapist said something to make her upset. my pdoc is gonna try to get a couple more days out of the insurance people. I'm really not ready to leave. Somehow I have to tell my mother. so, I called my mother, totally over-played the ana card and she soon fell silent. She said they authorized five days but no one told me that. So in the meantime, I'm panicking over when I'm supposed to leave and bitch asian lady won't help me. Anyhow, I went on about how much I eat, that I've lost five pounds since I've been here, that they couldn't pay me to eat a grilled cheese sandwich, and other things. She said she'd do whatever was necessary for me to be well and if I REALLY wanted to, I could do the program in Sand Diego. And even though that's amazing news, I'm still worried to death about whether I'm supposed to be discharged tomorrow or not. It's a freak show around here. The business office doesn't communicate with the nursing staff, the doctors don't communicate with the patients, admissions doesn't communicate with the doctors. It's a disaster area around here. There's no one to talk to anymore. Everyone's hiding in their rooms at about 7:30pm and I'm in the lounge sitting on the couch with my knees up and my head on the arm. I'm a little surprised no one's watching the basketball game, even if just to see who's won what. Okay, this crazy lady with the wig just laid down on the other couch. She's making sickening grunting noises, rubbing her big fat pregnant-looking (but not) belly in a leotard. Big singing black dude said with my hair, I could be the bread girl, he explained and i said "well, thanks" as the door closed behind me. There's a new guy up on 2 east, looks about my age. i went for a walk after dinner, twice around the perimeter. I wish I could weigh myself on my scale, without my shoes on. I want to go to bed early but i have to take my meds and call my friend at ten. OMG crazy wig woman's snoring. My roommate snored too but she had the courtesy to do it quietly, dryly. My stomach's growling, I hardly ate anything today. I just went for 9:00pm meds and there was a little old lady there taking forever so he just motioned that my meds were ready and passed them right over her head and she didn't even notice. I don't know, I just thought that was funny, maybe you had to be there.
Breakfast: Boysenberry yogurt, Lunch: Pasta primavera and watermelon. My mother just called, she wasn't supposed to. We talked about my sister, my animals, her work and my meds, the hospital, my grandfather and my aunt. Among other things. I told her about OA, she didn't comment. I want to go to the Lithium awareness rehab. workshop but OA's at 7:30pm and this is at 7:00pm. She's glad I have mark to call and talk to even though I know she wishes it was her. I almost guaranteed that I'd be discharged Thursday. I don't know if she's thinking about the money or me. She doesn't let on over the phone. I just talked to the meds guy and he said I should go to the lithium awareness thing so I'll hang around there from 7:00-7:25 then get the lady who's going with me and we'll go down to that. I think I'm gonna ask my new pdoc (when I see him in June) about taking me off the lithium because the side effects make walking and talking to people difficult (not at the same time of course) My eyes are all weird, I can't focus on the person talking to me, I don't even know how to describe it, and my joints are a mess. I really hope OA goes well tonight. It's about my last great hope. If not, I'm really enjoying being hungry and I know I'll continue this way when I leave. at the moment, they don't check my food but if they weigh me again they might start, or I'll just get lectured by my current pdoc, whenever he comes back--today or tomorrow. It's not that I don't want to see my therapist, I just want to wait until I have good news to report. OA will have to be my good news. I think your roommate here plays a large part in the length of your recovery. If they're happy and upbeat and you hang around them then it will be quicker but if they're suicidal (and in this unit instead of pac where they should be) then it's gonna bring you down and it's gonna take a longer time to recover. I try to be upbeat but I'm not happy. neither i or my current roommate are suicidal, and we're both upbeat so I think my recovery _is_ actually going faster. She's probably leaving today though and i'm afraid i'll either not get a roommate or she'll be some freak from another planet. maybe some really ugly girl my age who's never been here before so I can show her the ropes. it's beautiful outside but I don't feel like going outside. I'll see about it later, my whole body aches, a walk will do me good. gilmore girls may be on, if i'm alone i can watch it tonight..well, the second half anyhow.
Breakfast: Boysenberry yogurt. How is it that i can eat nothing at home or my meal plan but not lose weight but three days here eating a little or nothing and I lose weight, rapidly. And I'm not exercising like I do at home. It just baffles me. It's 8:00am and my roommate's still asleep. She's gonna miss breakfast if she doesn't get up soon. This place isn't all bad. Once I got to use my makeup. I'm perfectly comfortable not blow-drying and curling my hair. It's even at bit softer this way. It's wavy, but softer and the waves don't look like total crap like they used to so all is well. the lithium is giving me side effects though. my joints are stiff and my mouth is dry and my eyes are being weird. I don't want to go on the neurontin because I slept last night, got up at 6:00am refreshed. Though they woke me up then for a blood test then I just stayed up. I'm feeling a bit tired at the moment though and it's almost an hour until the first group. I just went for a walk and my whole body hurts. I feel like i need to walk for another hour to get it to go away. I also need some caffeine but it seems to react with the lithium and makes my joints even worse...oh well. Lunch: half a hot dog and a fruit bowl (they were barbequing for Memorial Day) Dinner: small bowl of pasta primavera. Then this woman and I went looking for the OA meeting but no one showed up. I'll try again tomorrow evening. My mother called my cell today after promising she wouldn't call. She was okay, asked me if I was eating for the first time ever.
I don't ever want to get old. All the old ladies here are seriously crazy or else they're as close as you can get to being a vegetable as possible and still be able to function. I don't ever want to be that old. I hope my therapist doesn't come tomorrow evening but Wednesday instead because i want to go to OA and then tell her I went after the fact. I wish there was something going on right now, besides the movie, I'm bored as hell.
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