Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
I take caffeine knowing what it's gonna do, and then get panicky when I can't breathe, like I don't enjoy this feeling, like I haven't felt it a thousand times before. Then I take so many deep breaths that I get dizzy. I'm letting someone down. I want to be healthy for them but I also want to be perfect, not just for them but for me. It's sort of a lose-lose situation. They just want me healthy but that can't be good enough for me can it? Why is that so hard? Why can't I be healthy and happy? Why do I seek perfection?? It doesn't exist. Although no one's going to attack me as I walk across campus either, and they're NOT staring at me when I leave the house, judging every piece of me. Food is not bad, ignoring hunger is not a sign of strength, and I will fall if I continue this way. All this I know, yet I press on.
There's a limit to this feeling. When you're out, and you're not sure whether the next time you stand up if you're gonna faint or not, that's when it starts feeling bad. When the high of starvation gets to be too strong. When you're not sure if you'll be able to stop. When the only safe food you can find is water, and when even that is no longer safe. There's the part of me that knows this is bad, this is really bad. But there's the other part, the strong part, that knows I can be perfect if I only stay strong. Tough it out. It was so much easier to do this when I had an ally on my side, someone reassuring me that the scale's off, that I had a lot to drink today, that it would be okay. Someone to sit and watch the ceiling spin with. Someone you can joke with about not being able to hold a drink without spilling it from shaking. This is a lonely disorder, "healthy" friends don't want to watch you waste away. Family members ignore you in order to pretend this isn't happening. No one understands it but no one wants to either. And it only makes the desire to succeed that much stronger.
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