Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
February 11, 2002 my dog chews on his tail until it bleeds. My mother says he is so crazy, sick, demented. I start to wonder what she thinks about my cutting. Then she gets angry with me when I'm not all sunny and happy all the time around her. Now I can't leave my room until she goes to sleep. It's 7:30. If only she knew. I swear I'm outta here the second I'm able. There's no reason left for me to hang around. Being around her just makes me feel bad. All the yelling, all the secrets I keep from her, it's not worth it anymore. None of it is, I'm so tired of this. I'm ACTUALLY hungry and I can't go to the kitchen for food. I just want to sleep forever I'm so tired, but I'm too afraid I'll have nightmares. I need to e-mail the guy about group, tell him what I decided. I can't go back without him understanding, though i'm not sure I can leave without him knowing why.
February 8, 2002 (7:57pm) Group tomorrow. I haven't done any homework, haven't recorded anxiety or depression since monday, haven't done the reading, so afraid he'll question my hierarchy that i can hardly think straight. i finally got my mother off my back by telling her this was all because of group...not a total lie. maybe i'll finally get some sleep now, stop worrying she'll knock on my door and start yelling. it's 7:30pm. and i've hardly gotten any sleep today, my one day to rest. i had three nightmares this morning, one yesterday--a really bad one. one i woke up in tears from, one i'm quite familiar with, though one i'll never get used to. five years it's been going on, you'd think it wouldn't effect me so much anymore. here's where i describe what happens in the end, just to warn you: it's that day all over--he walks away laughing, i'm sitting on the ground with my knees up, my mother walks up and yells at me to stand up, i'm getting my skirt dirty. that's it, that's where it ends. i don't know how my mother comes into it, she doesn't even know. but god that laughing, it never goes away. in the silence i hear it, when i shut my eyes i see his face, disgustingly sincere. if i fall asleep with the light on, with my music playing, the nights aren't nearly as bad. i can't seem to stop questioning though, laying blame. i just want to sleep, without nightmares, for a full eight hours, without waking up in tears, feeling lonely, knowing i have to go through this alone.
my mother just tried to convince me i'm overreacting, last week wasn't so bad, what the fuck does she know, i kindly told her to fuck off.
February 2, 2002 (10:27pm) Group was awful today. I walked in 15 minutes late because my freeway was closed and I was stuck going nowhere, and I couldn't get to an exit to take side streets. Then Richard wanted to know...how he can make this group work for me, he wants to know why I have trouble in social situations basically and I don't think I can tell him that. That's just too much. I mean sometimes I'm just downright afraid of screwing up but other times...that's not it at all. I don't know, this is going to freak me out until it's dealt with, whenever that may be.
February 1, 2002 (5:50pm) Yesterday was awful. I have never worried so much in one day in my entire life. I mean I couldn't get anything done. I just sat around school and home worrying myself to death. If it wasn't one thing it was another. It was absolutely ridiculous. I sat in my car for 2hrs before class and worried, then I went to class for an hour and worried, then I sat by the mirror pools or whatever they're called for 45mins and worried so bad that I had to skip the meeting I was waiting to go to and ended up back in my car for 2.5hrs worrying some more. I would have gone home instead then come back but I worried about going home. I do not know what was going on with me yesterday. God my parents have no idea how easy they are making this for me, I never have to make excuses for not eating. Like tonight my mother asked me if I wanted her to get me anything from Star Cafe. Now I hate that place almost more than anywhere else and she knows this. She doesn't go to the store anymore, I can't drive today because of my meds and...arg. It's really very hard to think they know i'm not eating yet they put forth no effort to work on it. Like they think it's really no big deal. I always thought I was going through this alone...they just proved my suspicions.
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