Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
wow animations can be difficult but they sure are awesome when finished. i'm just doing text animations at the moment but i'm having a blast...well, i WAS having a blast until my mother came in. now, i'm computer-less again. what do you think of yellow and purple or orange-yellow and blue-purple? i love yellow and purple but yellow seems too light for what i want to do. wow two more animations done. now i just need to edit them for speed. the Toshiba has zero respect for time. it zooms through animations so fast the colors just sorta blend together. and orange-yellow mixed with blue-indigo makes a pretty neutral brownish-bray. and black mixed with light gray makes a darker gray. it looks like one of those flashing neon lights when the Toshiba plays it (or any other animation) made by yours truly or not. will doing my leg exercises make them bigger or smaller? I have this fear it will just add muscle and not eliminate fat...i guess we'll see. i do them ten minutes, three times daily. that's 30 minutes and exactly what that anxiety/phobia checklist says. now i just have to find a couple more ways to animate "amas.veritas" and i'm set. there's a brief window for me to do some work while my mother's eating and believe you me (heh), I'm using every second of it. i definitely think driving to this place tomorrow will make thursday much easier. i can almost fell some relief now. i'm afraid Michelle will be on time...but then again even if she's "on time" i'll still get there a little early. i just don't want to be late OR like an hour early. i'm having doubts about this whole group thing but i want so many things that i just HAVE to do well in this. i'm going to put this group and school first on my list, everything else will be pushed way back or else i won't do well or things will end up how they were this time last year. not that i didn't enjoy that road towards sickdom, i just don't want to be failing my classes. i've moved down a number of rungs on the scholarly ladder and to go lower would mean leaving school all together. and leaving Oxy was not acceptable. leaving PCC would be grounds for...well...insanity? Expulsion from sanity? It just will not do.
i went and picked up my horse's blankets today. i felt like my heart stopped when i drove in. my trainer said "hi" to me, just like that. i said "hi cyndi" and she never said another word to me much less looked my way. on the other hand the assistant trainer said HI [BELA]!! HOW ARE YOU?? He's my favorite by far. anyhow, i walked down to see if any of the english speaking grooms were around. luckily the head groom (who may have grown up speaking english and is about 22 or 23) was eating lunch so i said i just came for my blankets and i felt bad because he said he put them in one of the lockers by the next barn over which is a bit of a walk. so he put down his lunch and left. i sat on the benches by the arena, no one spoke to me, and as the groom was walking back up the path my trainer asked him if he knew where my blankets were and he said "in my hands"...i'm afraid he thought i went to her...don't ask me why. anyhow i said "thank you so much and i guess i'll see you later" or something to that effect. then he said "come back and visit every now and then" or, again, something to that effect and i walked away. this time for good, thinking he is my favorite person at the barn, the kindest. then i came home and ordered a pizza and breadsticks and ate it all with the exception of three slices of pizza...alone. then my mother and i talked and laughed together like two "normal" human beings. i'm completely caught up in my calculus 2 class...and everything's...okay.
everyone keeps asking me if i'm staying in group. i'm not sure i could take the disappointment everyone's hinting if i did quit. i want to but i know if i don't at least give this a chance, it will be the last chance. i can't start a new one if this goes bad. i haven't been writing because everything i've been thinking is so extreme, so full of worry...more so than ever before, that i feel like no one would understand. i can't get these thoughts to go away. they're so ridiculously overbearing i can't handle it. usually i just push all thoughts away because even the good and "normal" ones tend to lead to worry. i can't do this for too long but it's working for the time being.
This group is putting me in a severe depression. This is going to be a very difficult decision because my depression always comes first. It's been a long time since I thought about...never mind. I feel like I gave up my life when I left Occidental. I worked so hard to get there. I pushed myself every single day to get in there. One day of weakness, of wanting someone else to be right, to make the decisions for a change, and it's all gone. Now I hate myself always and forever because of it. I can't believe, I NEVER will believe that I did the right thing by throwing away my future for the remote possibility that I would reach...normalcy. I'll never again get the chance at the amazing education I would have gotten there. It was gone the day I registered at PCC. It's gone...FOREVER.
I cannot go down to that store alone. i would even prefer not to go alone. my father said i need to go sometime today. screw him. he made a spectacle of me...he can pick it up today if it's so important. i'm only going if i can wait 'til tomorrow
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