Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
My anthem is: "Electro-Shock Blues," by Eels. I'm a very giving person, which means I frequently cut myself short. Everyone sees me as being perfectly alright, without any huge problems of my own, but I beg to differ. Even when I ask for help, no one really believes me... I'm trying, but it's not easy. Find out what your anthem is here.
Going to this school is so degrading. My x who probably failed half of his classes in high school if not more goes here. If I had left the building 2 seconds earlier i would have smacked right into him. he looks awful. he desperately needs a hair cut and shave but fuck that, he's not my problem anymore.
I'm not supposed to feel this way. I have this feeling that I need to tell someone. That I need to tell the guy who runs group. I don't think he's...experienced in these matters. I don't want to scare him or have him think any less of me. But I can't have this get any worse. God how do I even start to tell someone. Do I step in to keep the worst from happening or do I cross my fingers and pray it doesn't?
I have a terrible headache in anticipation for group saturday. my stomach ache went away some time ago but my headache has just progressed. Lisa said she'd call me when she got off work, that was 2hrs ago. oh well, i feel like i need some extended isolation just to get through. i ate today. i wasn't going to. it'll be easier though i hope once school starts and group gets going. i don't get it, i've been eating healthy though not more than one meal a day, doing my exercises and nothing. maybe it's just taking longer than usual. i guess i'll just keep at it until i find something better. fasting has become all but impossible. i beat myself up over a measly rice cake. i'm so worn out..mentally and physically. dissociating all the time isn't as easy as it looks. i feel like it freezes all my thoughts. i went to therapy today and it was so hard to complete a thought. i find myself dissociating all the time. probably more than 90% of the time. i find myself doing it even at home. if i can't be myself and "associated" at home, then where??
i feel like if i'm not careful, i'm going to break down and start crying. i don't even know why. maybe the day was more than i could handle. i haven't worn short sleeves outside my bedroom in six months give or take. today i threw one on late in the evening and i realized why. i have social phobia--i do not leave my home for much more than therapy these days. the sun has been all but non-existent in some time. if i had black hair and a black wardrobe, i'd qualify as gothic. my skin is pale from never seeing the sun. my thoughts are dark and fairly morbid. blame it on the times, blame it on medication or my choice in reading material. oh man, or my unbelievably blinding migraines. i just want to lie in bed today. call it an emotional hangover from yesterday's events. my sister wants me to see her apartment today. first, i've never been there. she's going to give me directions but it will be dark and my glasses just aren't what they used to be. then this migraine and i want to be home before 10:00p so I can talk to my friend. maybe this all won't seem like a big deal once my migraine's gone...that is, providing it's gone before i have to leave. 5 1/2 hours later and it's still there. i talked to my mother and she gave me a few suggestions. i think i'm going to go over there thursday afternoon when the sun's out. i just couldn't deal with my cousin yesterday. thursday won't be such a big deal. i feel bad though always rescheduling. oh well, i'll do thursday, no doubt. the only time my head isn't pounding is when i'm sleeping...good night.
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