Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
i had the best class today. I turned in my poem "Suspended in Time" in class, actually I had to read it aloud and it was a hit. I believe the professor used the words "macabre" and "creepy" and "Linda Blaire Christmas"...whatever that means. He loved it and so did the rest of the class. One of my peers even came up to me to talk about the meter of the poem to make sure I understood the suggestion that the professor gave. it was small..to have a line break before "this" rather than after. I have my reasons why that won't work. So I was psyched because I thought it was going to be a bomb. I was worried all day that no one would like it and he'd ponder over insignificant details, but that was not the case. my day sucked though overall. I slept until 10:00 and then watched some television. then went back to bed and half fell asleep while on the computer. then my mother came home and i pretended to be awake. when she left I went back to sleep again and only woke up in time to take a shower before class. then my mother called from work saying she wouldn't be home as early as she had planned and asked if I was okay because i seemed a little down last week. and oh my god i didn't lie to her. i said it was part because of my conversation with *her* and part because of an unbelievable amount of boredom. i'm also stressed and worried about meeting Ray Bradbury on Wednesday (i'm worried about getting him to sign Fahrenheit 451 rather than his new book at his book signing. F. 451 was one of my favorite books i've ever read in all my years of english classes. *her* group was shut down by the way...i think i did a little dance when I found out. Now i'm watching "Stigmata" for the billionth time and I still have yet to be sick of seeing Gabriel Byrne's gorgeous face. Now, almost two hours late, I must go to sleep because i have to wake up in 6hrs 45min. I guess I'll be coming home and going to sleep. Oh, I attempted to write a "happy" poem per Jim's request (my professor) and my computer froze and I had to reboot and lost the whole thing. Now I've got this "macabre" poem here and if I show it to him, probably nothing will happen except I'll get this weird-ass look from him. Oh well, i'm starting to get used to weird-ass looks.
current mood: free
current music: a song i don't know that's stuck in my head!! arg!
So you want to see a video of my lizard Boomer? He's really cute. There's two actually. (they're .mpg files so if you have AOL it will work, anything else and I don't know if you'll be able to see them or not..sorry). Click here for video 1 and here for video 2.
Oh my god. i'm absolutely furious. she wouldn't apologize. she said she knew what she had to do but didn't know how to do it so basically i got screwed in the process. i've asked her to never im me again..ever. too bad my knuckles are already red and in pain otherwise i'd make them worse. now i've lost all trust i have left in everyone involved except a very select few. i don't want anymore friends. i can't go through this again. how am i supposed to trust anyone again? there's no one here to talk to about this. my father's...well, my father's my father and my sister's always working and my mother's in santa barbara this weekend. i'm going to have to suck it in and deal with it. I'm not sure i can. i'm two or three weeks ahead on my poetry homework so i don't have that to distract me. i cancelled riding--why, i don't know. i felt it was the right thing to do at the time. but that was several hours ago. i had let this go...now she can go to hell for all i care.
I think the only time i'm happy with how I look is when I am in the same room with someone who weighs twice as much as me. Other than that, i'm disgusted with myself. I hate talking about it. I managed to slip around that question today. I won't be surprised though if it's brought up again next week. I started picking at my knuckles again today. They're all red and they were bleeding a little but I managed to hide them all I could. And I did it while bored in the school parking lot but it was so hot on the roof that I had to go elsewhere before my appointment. So I drove around for a little while. There's two Taco Bell soft tacos left and I want to eat them but I just know I'll regret it. Well I ate either end of them because the middle was cold and gross. I think I want to go to sleep. I only got about four hours of sleep last night. I must really be tired because I took two NoDoz and I only shook for about 20 minutes and then I was tired again. I was worried about my meeting but it went smoothly. I'm thinking of adding computer basics to my tutoring. I really have fun with it when I'm helping everyone in my family. Ugh I sooo need some sleep but I'm watching one of my favorite shows and It's over in ten minutes. Why can't I keep friends? I don't think my lizard even likes me anymore. And I'm trying so hard to say all the right things and make sure I ask them about themselves. I want a friend with ana though. It's hard going through this alone. It's hard going through ANYTHING alone but this especially. I'm really failing too. And my self-image is really hurting. I hate how I look. And I hate that I hate how I look. Where are my diet pills already? I need something to boost my metabolism otherwise I'll gain weight just by (as my t says) "eating a crumb." Those who take their fast metabolisms for granted really make me upset. I've never had a fast metabolism. It just keeps getting slower and slower. I want to go run but I'm too tired. I can hardly keep my eyes open. Maybe I'll sleep some before My mother gets home because I know she'll come a'knocking. I think I need to hold boomer for a little bit though, he looks bored. Or not. He's smelling me and after that first time, I'm afraid he's going to bite me again. He's smelling all around his cage. He must be really bored. I can't imagine living in his cage...though he's originally from the Sahara Desert. He doesn't have things to play in/on in a desert like that. And he's eating now so I don't want to bother him until he's done. He's looking at me kinda like I'm this alien being and i've come to do tests on him. "I have to eat every two hours to keep my weight up" (!!!) If I ate every two hours I'd be a blimp! If I ate twice a day I'd be a blimp so twelve times a day is just enormous! Sorry, that quote was from a show i'm watching. he's acting like he's mad at me (boomer). He looks like he's going to attack when I touch his food. I'm craving cheetos again...i'm going to sleep.
p.s. I'm starting to think less pro than I used to...don't worry i'm still not anti-pro but I'm not as much pro anymore. I want to be skinny but I hate this. I'm always worried about what i'm eating, what i weigh, how i look, if anyone's going to lock me up for not eating. I've decided that I probably need to enter an eating disorders group after I finish this social anxiety disorder group in January. I can't do it before though because i know i won't be able to handle the ed group until i do. I feel like baking...I don't feel like eating though so i'd better not. i'll go put a soda in the fridge so it'll be cold when I wake up.
I bought a book on spell-casting. Wicca, Paganism, that kinda stuff. I think things are getting so out of control that I'm willing to try anything to make everything go away--or rather i'll do anything to PRETEND it's going to make everything go away. The blue moon's this month...or so i'm told. The best time to cast spells...? I was a little spacey during that conversation with a practicing Pagan/Wiccan. I'm starting to feel as though if something doesn't change soon, then it will never change. I'll always be stuck this way. In limbo between sanity and insanity. The insanity being those times when I feel disgusting in this skin...like i'm in a skin that doesn't fit quite right. And I hate how I look, and feel, and act, and speak, and everything else about being me. What did I do to deserve this, huh? I don't deserve this, do I? I hate being me every time I have to leave my house. I hate that it's so hard. I can't even write anymore...have you noticed? My meds are really taking their toll. I'm always tired or not tired when I should be. I just don't want to sleep anymore because I want to drag out the day as long as possible because I never want to reach tomorrow. Tomorrow's never very appealing to me, especially when it involves any activity at all whatsoever. I wish I could just sleep all day and all night until College is over. Maybe I'll get lucky and I'll meet a really great friend in this social anxiety disorder group which starts in January and we'll do our homework together, (if that's allowed) and we'll get through it together. I don't want to be the youngest in these things anymore, I can't become friends with someone who's 15 years or more older than me. It just isn't realistic. I'm in my second year of college whereas they've graduated, married, had kids and in some cases grandkids, and they own a house and often times they've got even more experience than that. I can't compare or even begin to relate to that. Also, I think the older members (older than me) aren't as open as I can be. I'm willing to tell all to a perfect stranger yet when it comes to people i've known for years, I keep my secret with all my strength. Snippets of nonchalant attitudes and those little swirly sticks with tissue paper umbrellas on top. Skin picked clean on white knuckles, only scars remain. Close to tears in anticipation. Grief struck and somber yet tailored and uh...mischievous. Why do we bring trees into our house at Christmas? What's that have to do with anything? It just creates a fire hazard and a mess to clean up later. I think I always dreamed of things like having an eating disorder and having the guts to cut...now that I've got both, I'm overwhelmed. Now i have what I want but I can't tell anyone. It's been my little secret for well over a year now. I've eaten way too much today. There's no way I'll reach my goal in time...but my sister said there's no way she can ask for Christmas Eve off so that means I don't have to go to San Diego this year (!!!!). I'm so happy, if you didn't notice. I wanted to jump up and down when I heard the news. Am I avoiding it? Yes. Do I care? No. I'll be starting that anxiety group shortly after Christmas so I think one last "avoidance" won't kill me. I know this group is going to be hard...very hard. My therapist reminds me of that every day even if it's not through words. Every day. I had vague thoughts about the fact that 90% of the time, people aren't thinking about me, criticizing me. But I just couldn't feel comfortable. Repetition...there will be difficult days ahead, but good things don't come easy. I know this. I'm starting to realize my limitations...finally...and they're hard to accept.
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