Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
my therapist called around 2:00pm and since I was online, she left a message on my machine and I got it about 30 minutes ago. I'm going to have to leave an hour early for my appointment just to avoid my mother. I guess i'll have to go hang out at school or go to the book store or something. ugh..it's going to be a very long day. my mother never e-mailed me back...i'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. either's she's really pissed or when I told her to let me have the last word, she actually decided to listen to me. I'm not sure if I should call my t and just leave a message on the machine so that if she calls while i'm gone tomorrow morning she won't be worried because i never called her. though i tend to sound like a fool on the phone...in my opinion. i think i'm entitled to some time to just be angry. i slept most of the day just trying to avoid thinking about this whole thing. i don't see the point in worrying over something i can't mend right away--or ever. i couldn't spend that time talking to anyone about it so why spend it worrying about it? i talked to a friend today who said her father read her diary and two years later, she says their relationship will never be the same. i'm starting to see this the same way. i'm thinking of burning all of my journals and other papers that have anything personal on them. i don't trust them anymore with anything of mine. i'm going to have to go through my entire room tomorrow and get rid of anything personal. this is worse than them sending me to the second opinion...twice. and taking my knife and calling my therapist and school without asking me first and my birthday and the bad thursday. i haven't eaten in two days...god i don't have a clue what i'm going to say to my t tomorrow. i guess all i can do is explain what happened and hope she realizes how i feel. i hate it when she gets that look on her face like everything i say means nothing to her. she said in her message that she hoped everything was okay. well...she better keep hoping.
what right does she have to make this about her? she always makes it about her! now the only thing i have left is gone. i've deleted all of my websites and links to them. i've changed each journal entry separately to "friends only" posts. now i've wasted $25 because my parents can't keep their hands to themselves. i think they owe me so that i can register a different domain. i wish someone would buy it from me (no, i'm not suggesting) so that i could 1) get rid of it and 2) get another but that sucks because i love that domain. i shouldn't have to give it up just because my parents are ass holes. i should be studying for midterms but instead i'm deleting all traces of my existence on the internet...and sleeping off the pain...and writing on paper that i can burn later because there's no one available to talk to and i can't write anywhere else. i ate two slices of double chocolate loaf cake and a 1"x1"x1" brownie bite with powdered sugar on it. so little yet oh so much. i hate my sister for buying them. as soon as i have the will to get out of bed (3:59pm) I'll put them in her room and hopefully...hopefully she'll keep them there. i even canceled riding today which i don't do even if i'm on my death bed. and i wanted to get boomer some rocks today. his home is really kinda bare and boring if you ask me. i let him get out and stretch his little lizard legs today. he ran around my desk and the family room carpet and the couch. i had to be careful though because he has no regard for ledges--he thinks he can fly. he just walks off the edge of things...though i'm always there to catch him.
so now my final love of the internet has been stripped away--my one last trust. the one person left in this world i thought i couldn't stay angry with is now a conspirator, a teller of lies. i could see it in his face, letting *her* take the rap for everything. i'd like to know what her therapist told her to do to heal this awful situation--does she even know the whole truth? or just what *she* wants her to know? How is she effecting my life--a person she's never met...and never will meet? Does she know how much she's hurt me by trusting that con? She doesn't know if it's the truth she hears yet she give advice that ultimately changes the life of this person she's never met before...me! It's really difficult hating both parents, especially when there's nothing that can be done to remedy the situation. All i can do to remain strong is to shut out the world--keep them from prying because then...only then will i manage to let my thoughts dwindle into nothingness. My only hope for salvation.
where else can i write? if i write to the group, then i'm afraid someone's going to share it with chaos. if I write in my website journal or my livejournal then my parents will go through it. if I write in a paper journal and keep it in my room, then my mother will find that also...what does that leave? Nothing. I went into the computer's internet history to delete the pages I had been to today. I found my site and my livejournal had been accessed over 13 times each. AOL searches were done to find these pages. Then my mother told me she just clicked on a link but didn't look at it...i found trails of her and my father searching through and looking at every site I have ever owned to find out my domain. And I just paid for it a month ago. I can't get rid of it and now I can't even use it. I automatically went to my father's favorites to see if he had saved my site there, and I found one of my ODP categories there with a link to my profile. He doesn't know yet. I wanted so badly *takes a deep breath to keep from crying* to have dinner with him before he left for a week and a half...i'd move out today if I had the resources. I would have moved out a year ago if I had the resources...but I don't My mother broke a huge promise and then lied to me about it. So anyhow, I drove home from Santa Barbara three hours after arriving. I didn't tell my sister what happened and no one called her to let her know I was coming home...so she's clueless. I think. I hope.
sometimes this emptiness inside me seems to burn. i don't know, maybe it's just me, but this tiny world i live in feels so foreign to me. i no longer feel as though i belong here. i'm being forced to do things against my will...but i'm afraid to say no. it scares me when people say i'm not trying hard enough--especially when they don't know what i'm going through. it's like my father telling me, "i could have jumped that jump" even though it was four-foot-six and he'd never jumped a jump in his life. aren't families great? kicking you when you're down and tripping you when you're up. jim asked me to show him some stuff on his computer today, though he was a little slow on the uptake. i was starting to get bored and...like i get. i'm getting eyed by some wandering asians who think they're better than me. oh they're soo dreaming. the girl in jim's office asked me if boomer made the scrapes on my right arm--no...but i wish.
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