Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
i'm so fucking hot but what's a girl to do? show off her lies to the world like standing in a spotlight? these crimson razor cuts across my wrists...folding in upon themselves after the parting of the red sea. i wish the pain and punishment were not such a burden on me. can't you see? it's time now for me to make a plea with you--what intimate details do you know and which do you wish for me to show? do you think i'm telling lies? staring into your eyes, i'm mocking you, it is true. tell me what you wish to know--i do not take hinting lightly. you must demand to know the truth, or else i will not share it though i plead with you silently to take my arm and ask until you're blue why i have kept such secrets from you. you deserve to know the truth. why don't you see it? i have two, count 'em two people which i must answer to. the rest don't care if i live or die--i ask you why is this true? am i such a burden to the world that my life must unfold like a popup book in front of you? secrets jumping out like words upon the page. as you take a frightened step away from me, now i see--you're afraid of me and all that i'm capable of. looking up to god above you will find no answers there. for i am an unbeliever and i laugh at you. they call me crazy yet i do not talk to a man in the sky, this is why i have such tendencies for questioning time. sometimes i cannot tell a dream from reality, sometimes i cannot trust me. why can't you see that i'm hurting inside? i feel the tide of guilt washing over me. though i guess you didn't take the time to set me free.
Ya know, i just realized today that i have no friends anymore. the only people i talk to are j****...who unfortunately lives SOO far away and b****** who lives in NY now and we barely even talk anymore. I'm afraid to send n*** anything at remuda because i've heard only bad things...such as she's not allowed to contact me because i have an eating disorder, though i have all these gifts planned to send her...should i not? should i just keep them and send them out as christmas presents to other friends who like whinney the pooh? i certainly don't want them..they'll only remind me of her day after day--i can't handle that. who else is left? my sister when she has time for me? the only other person i used to talk to screwed me over the other day. now i'm about a day away from either "slitting my wrists" (i use quotes only because i would only make a shallow cut...to make a point--which i have done before) or just completely giving up on friendship all together. i guess i feel like there's nothing i can do short of attempted suicide that will get the attention i so desire. I feel like nothing i do is good enough anymore...and by good i mean noticeable, something that makes people focus on me for a change. because right now, my life is a secret to everyone around me. i used to be so open about all the things i was doing because they were all good. now my life is filled with bad things--my eating disorder, leaving school, the hospital, i'm not competing anymore--there's just so much that people don't know. i'm dreading christmas because i know everyone's going to want to know about school and riding and everything else and i will have to flat out lie to everyone, about EVERYTHING. i went out tonight to some very crowded places...and i just dissociated everywhere. i'm going out every now and then to try to get used to crowds but i just can't help it. my sister will be talking and she has to repeat everything because i don't hear her the first time...it's like i need to be brought out of a trance before anyone can talk to me. i hate it but i freak if i don't. ya know, i've been notice all my life for something good. now, there's nothing left and since i'm not in the hospital and there's nothing NOTICABLY wrong, i've been shoved away. i hate being nobody. everyone treats me that way now. EVERYONE. i so enjoyed the reactions i got when people thought i was going to kill myself. i felt like people cared for a change. now, my trainers barely talk to me, my parents don't give a shit about anything i say or do, the rest of my family's living under the assumption that i'm going to be something great, my friends are all gone, my horse will be gone some day soon, school's fucked up right now...what's left?
About a month ago I was given ownership of a very prominent Yahoo! eGroup, which i'm sure many of you have either heard about or applied for. After a week or so, running it almost became my life. I thought of nothing else and in a way depended on the support. In fact I thought the original owner trusted me. She even asked me to take down her site last weekend while she was away from the internet for a while, pending the attacks on new york. I'd gotten to know most of the 100 members by name and several of their ages--I'd even become friends with a few. And whenever the original owner asked me questions about the group such as what changes i had made, i would e-mail her with a complete overview and then i would never hear from her again--no comments, or concerns about how i could improve things. It was all very suspicious. Also, she and one of her moderators had some very inappropriate arguments with a member a while back which were supposed to be kept private--but weren't. On top of that, she recently came on and posted e-mails which she herself had complained about when other members did the same. They were e-mails about her life and how shitty it was, and got nothing but support from it...something she specifically told the group they could not do. This evening, when i returned home from a semi-rough day, I checked my e-mail to find out that this former-owner who had given me complete ownership, decided to jump in and delete the group without even notifying me first. She basically said in this non-private e-mail that i was a lousy owner, the group had dwindled away, and had somehow abandoned her, and then to the whole group said she was creating a new group but only those invited could join. And by 5:30 EST if we had not been invited, then we were not allowed in the group. So 5:30 comes and 5:30 goes...three hours later it's finally 5:30 PST (here) and 8:30PM THERE (!!) and I hadn't gotten an invitation yet. So, without further adieu, I cut...I would have cut more, and worse if my mother hadn't come home. So I taped up my box of razors and put them in my car to be taken to my locker at the stables tomorrow where they'll hopefully be safe--at least for a while. I got online later and talked to another girl who had cut over this. We then created our own group, inviting every member of the recently deleted group except the original owner--I wanted her to have a taste of her own medicine, and even after only 3hrs i had nine members join my group--none of which had been invited to the new group. I'm posting this today because I have been hurt by more people than i could have ever imagined i would. I can name very few people who haven't hurt me as much as this girl did today. This group meant everything to me. This is why i have no friends. If I did, I would have so many scars on me from when things like this happened...I wouldn't be able to hide them all. In fact, if I didn't have someone to answer to, I would have cut so many times already, i'd just be covered. I haven't cut since may. And today, though i've cut, I know that no one will notice...or care...or make any comment at all about it. And I know i will go on to cut later, again and again, until someone notices. The worst I cut needed stitches, no doubt about it. But there was no one to tell--so i let it bleed, and now it's just a grim reminder of how little i am noticed--even when what i'm doing could turn life-threatening if i'm not careful (or so i'm told). So what do i have to do? I either have to cut worse than that, or i have to starve myself, until someone finally says something. because i know people have noticed, especially when i dropped 40 pounds in a matter of months, but no one said anything, not even my trainer. I don't care anymore if my therapist knows, or notices without me telling her. she went to school to learn to notice. and she's had the experience to notice. what about those around me who are supposed to notice when their children lose too much weight too fast, and they find blood on their clothes and sheets. what then? why don't they say anything? why don't they care?? am i supposed to loved them despite their utter disregard for their child's well-being? I don't care what you say. I can't love them.
God every time i talk to my mother when she's out of town, she always has to ask me if i'm ready to "give" ren to some "really nice barn." she ruins my already upsetting day--she doesn't know someone contacted me about him...no one does! I was so depressed this morning that i slept until 3:00 this afternoon when i had to get ready to go to the stables. Being there was upsetting and then i went to my mom's office to mail my friend's package--who i miss so much...--then i got home and went back to sleep. now i'm panicking because i have to see my pdoc tomorrow and i'm freaking out about it. i am so not looking forward to waiting for him. he's NEVER on time. (on time for him is one hour late) And i'm eating this salad though i'm also watching a Nelly Furtado video and she was the first person i really envied--she's perfect...and now i feel sick eating. I ate fries yesterday :-( and i felt so sick afterwards...it's been at least a year since i've had anything close to fast food and now it makes me sick which i guess that's a good thing because it keeps me from eating it...yesterday i just had no willpower though because i had mini chips ahoy and m&m's which i threw away today--i think my willpower's inching it's way back...my sister said yesterday "don't those [cookies] taste better than rice cakes?"...I agreed with her to shut her up...not because i actually agreed. oh god...i found my razors--by accident. they WERE in my room, not as i had originally though. I THOUGHT they got put back in my trunk with all my riding stuff--all waiting for someone to sell their baycrest trunk...which i'm hoping people will do when they graduate and go off to college. see, the thing with people who ride well and own all this expensive equipment and expensive horses, they also go to good schools and do really well so they all end up going away to college, most of the time selling their horse and everything else along with it. there are a LOT of seniors at my barn this year...about..six or more--though they don't all have baycrest trunks. some don't have trunks and others have trunks from their previous trainer. i don't want to sell my horse--ever. and i certainly don't want to GIVE him to any stable. i don't want him to be a schooling horse. that's more work than he needs at his age--though he isn't technically old. he's been too god a horse to have to go through that. my ultimate dream for him would be to donate him to the thoroughbred adoption agency--since he's been a racehorse and has a racing tattoo, i think he's eligible. though i only wish it were possible...hey i can have dreams for him can't i? I think he's happy just flatting and not working too hard. getting to jump periodically when the trainers ride him. he's been a good horse and helped me to win my fair share of trophies--make a name for myself. That's all i wanted from him, i don't need anything else. in fact even if i were to be showing today, i don't think i could top myself any more so i would be showing just to make my trainer happy. Now if I could just ride when no one was around i would be so much happier to go...these two girls get laughing and then go amazingly quiet around me and i'm afraid they're making fun of me. hey, i don't see them winning much, there's nothing funny here, if anything, i should be the one laughing...though i'm not so cruel. And they're so obvious. i think this going out thing and trying to get rid of my social phobia really isn't working...i'm afraid i'm going to have to go do this social anxiety disorder group which doesn't start until January. i feel sick just thinking about it...heh or maybe it's that salad i ate, though i doubt it. I thought i had deleted all of my mp3's and mpg's which i put so much effort into getting and i found them today! i was so excited and now i'm listening to them. Lindsay Pagano - Everything You are, Everclear - The Boys are Back in the(?) Town, Fiona Apple - Across the Universe, Five for Fighting - Superman, Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood, Harvey Danger - Paranoia, Incubus - Drive, Smash Mouth - I'm a Believer, Sum 41 - Fat Lip, and many more. mpg's include NSYNC - Pop, Sum 41 - Fat Lip (one of my favorite videos), and Fatboy Slim - Weapon of Choice (i love christopher walken). i feel this odd need to cut--not for the sole act of cutting but for the attention i get from it..hm..it's something to think about. though if i do it'll have to wait until after my appointment with my pdoc tomorrow because i'm not too into lying to him right now and i'm almost positive he'll ask me if i've cut recently.
you're not going to believe who i saw today--B******* S*******--i would have though for sure she would have offed herself by now or ended up in jail--she dyed her hair black, she's whiter than hell, she was wearing the shortest fucking skirt i've ever seen, and she's still wearing glasses. oh the memories. this social phobia thing is really starting to get in the way. besides having no strength, i'm nervous as hell so i have even less strength. i miss noel something fierce--maybe that's from my own need to use all my strength to keep from losing people. we all seem to be having troubles these days at HoS. all moderators are taking turns taking a week to ourselves--though being owner i only got two days minus the time spent on and in the moderator meeting. though i enjoyed it all. it's what i do--spend every waking hour on the computer--and on top of that, i got to talk to brianna finally and i was able to double check her e-mail address finally so now i can keep in touch more often. she wants me to visit her in NY...my dad would be happy to pay but i've never flown alone before and it terrifies me to even think about it right now especially with the terrorist attacks there right now...god this poetry class isn't like a math class--i can't just sit down and do the homework--i have to be in the right place in my head, otherwise they turn out to be unacceptable. some days i can sit down and finish two weeks worth of homework whereas other days i can only write two lines. i dissociate so often these days that it gets to the point where i can't get any useful thoughts to run through my head--those days i don't get jack shit done. i'm reluctant to say anything anymore because i'm aware now that no one knows i have an eating disorder--HAVE being the operative word. What about everything else? What exactly is known about me? i must know. are just my academics known? what about my being held captive by LEH? i'm not sure i want all this known. why do people think i wear long sleeves even in the sweltering heat? do they think i'm weird? this i would prefer over the truth...i think. too few people know for me to make that judgment. i haven't experienced enough reactions to make a fair and accurate decision on the matter. what if they did know--would i feel comfortable showing my scars? brianna knew and i still didn't feel comfortable most days. i'm sure it depended also on my stress threshold that day. oh i'm absolutely starving--yay. i hate watching movies about bulimia. i don't care to watch people throw up. ana movies aren't so bad though because people with ana (in movies) seem to be so hyper. i mean i can see that, i feel high on my hunger most of the time. besides, i don't think i could ever live up to the images of bulimia that i see, i just never found it to be worth all the trouble. the pluses never lived up to the negative aspects. not eating is just quicker, and hey, i don't enjoy food enough anymore to put myself through that for it--there are so many foods i won't eat anymore for stupid reasons but...what can you do. i used to run five miles and now i can't because our treadmill's collecting dust in the garage. i can't run around my neighborhood first because we live on a steep hill and two, i know too many people around here--too well. there's no way i'm running here. i used to run when i went to santa Barbara because we were just up the street from some great bike trails off by itself. but i don't go up there anymore. it's always been easier to just not eat than to b/p. i can never get the house to myself anyhow and our walls are thin. i only ate 40cals today. i would have preferred 0cals but i got home from school, pissed off at my mother and i just couldn't help it. the ana movies are triggering, and i love watching them. luckily the one i just watched (and taped by the way) turned into an ana movie rather than just being a mia movie. I would have preferred to tape over it if it had turned out that way. I can watch the second half...and dream i guess. that's all i can do right now. i don't know if i can hold out for another day without eating. today was tough, i was pretty uncomfortable in my "meeting" today, i think because my domain sorta slipped out and i know...people seem to freak after they read my website. just look, the day my therapist and i looked at my site, i ended up in the hospital. i can't help but write the truth though. it's boring, for me, if i leave out the stuff that i really shouldn't be doing such as not eating, cutting, wanting my mother dead, wanting to be dead myself most of the time--then it stays inside and i can't do that anymore. I can't get over it this time. Usually, it comes and a week later it goes but it's been almost three weeks this time. Oh my god i'm gonna throw up...these girls are like 90 pounds...and their coach is happy for them!...i'm so jealous. my coach would freak. god and this girl's already perfect. i wish i had the support...though they're spreading mia, i prefer to spread ana. fortunately the people in my life either don't see or won't say anything. even after i had lost 40lbs my trainer never said a word. that much was so obvious i mean she asked one time, which i so wish i hadn't remembered, what diet i was on and i said 'you don't wanna know.' she'd never really act concerned even when my small chaps were too big on me--when i first came there my larger chaps were tight on me. i only wish i could get back there. i sat and listened to a girl complain because she was 90lbs and said she was fat. shall we compare numbers? ooh grapes look good now, but i just ate a salad--a small one but we don't have fat free dressing and i can't see how people can eat lettuce without anything on it. god and this girl's majorly freaking after b/p. i mean is it just me or is it really not that big a deal--at least it never was for me? i mean she's a good actor but i'm not sure that part is very realistic. okay and when you're mother's sleeping in the next room, you count sit-ups or whatever in your head, not out loud. personally, my parents don't know anything about my exercise routine and i saw my mother for about two minutes today so she has no clue what i have or have not eaten. thank god i'm still hungry after eating that salad...i'd die if i wasn't. well, i'd better go do my sit-ups and go to bed. i have to get up in 8 hrs.
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