Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
I've come up with an incredibly simple solution to my dilemma...how stupid i was. when my trainer's teaching (as apposed to the assistant trainer who knows my dilemma) I just won't wear my helmet, that way she won't ask me if I want to jump--then i won't get mad at her and I won't have to make up some stupid lie. Problem solved...in my head anyways. We'll just have to test it out to find out for sure.
07-25-01 1:39pm
i miss the hospital so much...is that weird? The only thing is my friend won't be there. though for the short time in the middle when she was gone i made so many new friends. and while she was there, I spent all my time in my room waiting for her to come out of her room and anticipating the next meal and how I was going to get out of the cafeteria without eating anything and on top of that, without getting caught.
NEVER NEVER NEVER join the Open Directory Project! I hate it so much!!! I have been an editor there for a year now and everyone is so full of themselves! I have been yelled at so many times simply because I see this as voluntary--BECAUSE IT IS!! I always find other editors making me look bad. This one told me that they e-mailed me several times and I never posted in the thread they wanted me to post in!! IT'S VOLUNTARY!! I'm not required to post..yet I did! Appropriately! Then they made some comment on another request I posted in a help wanted about their thread! I was addressing a problem that had nothing to do with them, yet they complained about it!! I HATE the editors there! Also, I never get to edit in one of my categories because the editors above me edit before I get to it! IT'S MY CATEGORY! I HATE IT SO MUCH! And when I address these concerns, it only makes me more pissed of! I want to QUIT BUT THAT WILL ONLY HELP THEM TO GET THEIR WAY!!!!!
I need a reason not to feel like a failure. I really thought I could handle this. I thought I'd be okay.
I think being in a mental hospital, well, the situation sort of speaks for itself. I've only shared it with one person. The rest, well I don't think they've showed me that they deserve to know. --1:40am
I think I aim to high. Well, I KNOW I aim too high it's just that I don't really think about it while I'm doing it. It's after the fact that it starts to hit me, and then it's too late. I think I also wrap my life around dreams and then lose all respect for myself when I don't actually fulfill them.
Maybe I'm wrong. I have this renewed hope in humanity all of a sudden but I'm afraid I'll lose it right quick. Hm. I think maybe I'm over-reacting. I tend to do that. Then I get let down. Maybe it's all my fault I get hurt so often. Maybe it's just a flaw I have. Maybe it's all my fault. And now the hope is gone. Completely. Two minutes. A new record. Therapy seems to be letting me down lately. God...I thought all my dreams had come true. Maybe that's all a lie too. I wanted so much and just when I thought I had it...I don't know. I just don't think so anymore. I fear my "friends" are all fake. Like maybe they just look like friends to someone who wouldn't know a friendship if it bit her in the ass. I feel like I've done a 360--went from bad to worse to bad to better, now I'm falling back into worse. I can see it happening faster each day that goes by. I'm losing everything. The only thing I seem to see in my future is another trip to the hospital. Not a good thing this time. You've heard me say that I want to go back. I never imagined it would actually become necessary. I'm losing so much sleep over this. It's not longer that I choose not to sleep. It's now a flaw in my character. Now I CAN'T sleep. I've gotten stuck on caffeine pills, downed with a caffinated drink of choice. I honestly feel like I'm wasting valuable time by sleeping. Time I'm not so fortunate to have. Borrowed time. I haven't been suicidal since I left the hospital. It's too soon. Why can't I just get a break? Why do this to me again, so soon. I want to feel normal for once. I almost made it...I thought I had. I really hate this. I can't even tell anyone. Not to their face anyhow. Welcome back to hell.
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