Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
Oh fuck it all. All my beliefs, all my...everything. The girl I met at the hospital called me Sunday and thanked me for the box I made her and the letter. She wants me to call her back. She's leaving Wednesday for an Eating Disorder Program in Arizona. That means I have to call her tomorrow (Tuesday) otherwise I'll lose her forever. And I can't let that happen again. I've lost too many people by not taking the last chance. Besides, I think it will hurt her just as much as I'll hurt myself by not calling. I need to talk it through with someone first because all I can think about right now is about the first two minutes of the conversation. I'm sorry she has to go through this. But I can't say that to her. I'm not sure if I can handle a friendship with someone who I'll never get to see.
If you strongly believe in God and are not open to hearing an Atheist's point of view, then please do not read this entry because I don't want anyone preaching to me. I am very openly atheist. If someone some day were able to convince the that there is a god, then so be it. But right now, with all of the physics, chemistry and biology that I have studied, it makes it all but impossible to believe that there is some "higher" force out there causing miracles and watching over us. And don't preach to me because that's just about the only thing I will not put up with. When I was in the hospital I talked to a girl who believed strongly in god and religion.
Why is it that whenever a movie comes out with a predominantly black, or African American if you prefer, cast a fight breaks out between them? I don't see movies with white guys beatin' each other to a pulp just for the hell of it. There are those movies however, and those real life situations that involve a black guy who is kinder than a white guy could ever dream to be. It's either "black or white" so to speak with black guys and only a mild gray with white guys. The gray gets a little foggy sometimes and the black (vs. white) is not the place to be. white on the other hand (vs. black), in movies anyways, always seem to end up dead. Why is that? Shouldn't the trouble making black guy die rather than the kind black guy? and why does the white girl always have to make trouble, causing the black guy to dump her (rightfully)?
My therapist is this whole different person to me, now that I've seen her with her two dogs, one large and the other very small. the large one was very pretty and the small one was just so cute. and she supposedly doesn't let anyone pet her unless they're sitting down. well I sort of sauntered into her office and the little one followed me. Then I stuck my hand out so she could smell it and then she found herself having a new best friend. she even sat in my lap for a little while at the beginning of the session, then got down and sat in my therapist's lap. Before now, I could never see her as a person who owned any animals though she had mentioned that she owned dog(s), without any other specifics. She had on jeans like my sister wears and a "sweater" type shirt that was sleeveless and had a turtle neck. She's this totally different person to me. And she drove the office a truck!! This was a completely different side that i've never seen and could never even imagine her having. I think it's made her "normal." By this I mean before she was this, uh...entity, someone high above me. Now she's all of a sudden normal to me. It's weird. I can't explain it. I think it will be easier to tell her things now. Or maybe the other way around...I'm not sure.
a darkness is upon us. i feel there is this gaping void all around me, wherever I turn. a great big emptiness that's pulling me in. should I follow? or stay behind? what keeps me from letting the forces take me? what keeps me from stepping back? why do I fear my life without it? why can't I find a reason to go on? why can't I live with being adequate? why can't I see myself the way others do--intelligent, full of promise, beautiful, and a million different other things? maybe i'm hopeless. destined to live a life of emptiness, desperation, always wanting more, always saying "what if I had done something different?" when can I quit asking when?
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