Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
This is just more than I can handle right now. I can't even think about Brianna leaving and Noel being in AZ for nine months. I can't do it, it's making my head spin. I can't even open my favorite places without seeing the Remuda Ranch website and almost starting to cry. Ugh. I want to write her but I'm afraid of making her feel bad. I'm not sure I can make her feel worse than she may be feeling but if she isn't feeling bad then I don't want to be the one to cause her to feel bad. I can't wait to send her birthday present. I really hope she likes it. I want to write her before I go to sleep. Well, I'd better hurry if I ever want to get any sleep.
For a minute there I thought I was cured, not that I was proud of it. I put butter, real butter, on my Boston Market mashed potatoes. I haven't used butter, much less real butter, in over a year. I also never ate anything that had fat in it and I'm sure the mashed potatoes had fat in them even before I put the "real butter" on them. But after today I'm not so sure. Maybe since the "fuss" over me is gone, I search for a new, or perhaps old, reason for others to fuss over me. While in the hospital, I was proud to tell people my weight and I loved being asked how my eating disorder was going by complete strangers. "Just take one bite..for me," they'd say. I think that's because I had control over my eating and to a small extent my weight. I was the girl with anorexia. I was finally proud of myself. I fell off my friend's horse yesterday, and today I hurt in places I didn't even know I had.
I can already feel what it's going to be like when everyone's finally gone. I mean I could always see it coming I just never really thought about what would happen when the time actually came. The more time that goes by, the harder it is to get through the day knowing that in just a few short weeks all of my friends will be gone. Probably for good. I can't believe Noel's gone. That's the loss that hurts the most. A fear I have is that she'll return in nine months a completely different person, no longer struggling with an eating disorder while I struggle to keep it. I think I'll only hurt her by being around her. We only made each other worse in the hospital and I don't think I could in my right mind allow myself to rub off on her. I hope she likes her birthday present. It would mean so much to me to know that it at least made her smile. I want to be "sick" enough to be in the hospital. I know that sounds weird but I'm insanely jealous of Noel. Let's see..what have I eaten today...white rice, watermelon, pepsi, grapes. That's about it. Two mints. I really enjoyed that hungry feeling again. It's been a while since I felt that. Yes, quite a while.
I may be a little over zealous but I gave my assistant trainer what apparently was an "incredible" (for lack of a better word) leg up on my horse today and for some reason it made me feel good. At first I really had to think twice about what they were saying. It seemed normal to me--nothing spectacular.
I haven't wanted to cut so badly since I was in the hospital. Months ago. Feels like yesterday. I really feel like crying over the losses I will be enduring in the days to come. I've lost one friend to her eating disorder--she could be gone for up to nine months and I'll be working my hardest to keep the friendship going until she returns. Her birthday's in about a month and I've already gotten her present--I hope she loves it as much as I do. I'm losing another friend in a month because she's moving to New York for college. While I sit here trying to figure out if I can work up the strength to return to school. I'm not feeling very confident. And last, but in no way the least, I'm losing my best friend of all--my horse. I've had him for four years and he's always been there for me. It makes me so happy to see him. I forget all of my troubles when I ride and that will be gone in just a few short months--providing someone wants to buy him--the scariest thing I can imagine right now.
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