Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
I am never able to relax. Right now I worry about a friendship that may never come to be. A quite unique sort of friendship, thriving on our many faults. I have trouble understanding this person I want so much to be friends with. Why is it so hard. I feel what she says to me is false--the copied thoughts of someone else. I have read these same words in a book, and it makes me question her story. I have not yet dismissed it but it makes me wonder. My father said the pie I made was the best he'd ever had. Thanks, I feel much better. I cannot go back to that place to visit her. I can never return unless as a patient. I don't know how to explain myself. It's just a thing I cannot do. Ever. It's more than I can take. But how can I be her friend if I don't go? I feel so alone. Still no one understands my pain.
i don't know how to take a compliment. maybe it's because i don't believe it. or maybe i don't want to believe it. or maybe it's because the compliment makes me worry about those outside the conversation who aren't getting the same compliment. I never know what to say to them. Do I return the compliment? do I just thank them and then move on? What if thanking them does not go with the compliment? what else do i say? what if returning the compliment is not appropriate? sometimes conversations come to a screeching halt because i don't know how to respond. it's all my fault. i fear some days i'll stop getting compliments just because i said the wrong thing. I have another interview next week. i guess i'm not too worried because i don't want the job in some ways. in others though i want it more than anything. i don't know how to explain my situation with the interviewer. do I need to explain? How much do they need to know? What if something happens and they find out? What if they see my wrists? Will it make or break me? What if...what if?
So when does sleep deprivation kick in? I haven't slept for three days. I don't have any desire to go back to my normal sleep pattern but...I don't know. I feel like if I sleep, I lose that much of my day so the less I sleep, the longer the day is and the longer it takes for tomorrow to come. My parents think I'm crazy. I can see it in their eyes. Maybe I am crazy. What is the clinical definition of being crazy? I'd be happy if someone told me I couldn't sleep. To get the effect they wanted, they would have to force me to sleep more than two hours in a day. I hate sleeping. It's useless and a way to forget for a while. In August I'll most likely lose Ren and B******'s going off to NYU. Can you say hospital? I was just watching Black Stallion and all it did was make me jealous. It's making me miss Ren even more. It's totally a control issue. I do it because this way I am controlling my sleep. I don't mind the mild fatigue that comes with drained energy and a mild case of sleep deprivation. At least not yet. If it gets much worse then I may think otherwise. But not yet
I miss the hospital. Everything was so calm there. When I was there I felt like everything was going to be okay. But I'm not so sure anymore. I feel like my problems are just being masked by large amounts of medication. Everything's still there and it wants to come out. I an feel it ready to break the seams that hold me together. I have this foreboding sense of failure. No one called me about the job at Pac Sun. I'm okay with not working there but I'm having trouble with being rejected. It makes me question whether I'll ever get a job. I've been out of school since April and going through my daily routines makes me feel desperate and out of control. Imperfect. I see my life as though it were an HBO miniseries.
jesus christ! are they EVER going to let me update? it's been a week now and I still get the same stupid message when I try to login to my website and i have so much to update. I have also written another site which I fear for it's validity if I wait too long to post it. I'm so angry! does anyone else have a virtue.nu account? Is yours working or is the whole server down? anyhow, I have added some journal entries which should have been posted but I'm boycotting the internet for the time being and I haven't even been online in a few days. <br>It's gotten to the point where I don't want to go to sleep anymore. It wastes so much of my time--precious time alone. Completely. I told my sister I'd go out to a movie with her and her friend tomorrow since when we tried it last (friday or saterday) we had dinner and then ended up being late for the movie which was good because her friend had seen it (but hadn't told us until later) and I didn't want to see it. So hopefully we'll be able pick a movie we all want to see (which is pretty hard considering we're all so easy going. I'm not looking forward to it though I know i'll have fun. the only thing is that I have no money so I have to ask my mother for some. Bummer. I'm running out of things to do and it's getting harder and harder to get myself to get out of bed in the morning, take a shower, and run my various errands for the day. I meant to do a few things today but I ended up veging and sleeping. Nothing more. Though, I did try to work on my website. The only downside to that is I can't upload it because of my stupid stupid server! Anyhow, I'm starting to get a little tired so I think I'll try to go to bed. It's 12:30am. I can still get 8 hours in.
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