Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
oh what I wouldn't do to take back just a few words. I need to drive, let the wind blow in my hair, a new release. Now that slicing myself open is no longer pleasurable, actions were taken to find a new peace.
It seems to me the only way I'll get any privacy around here is if my mother is gone. By gone I mean dead, six feet under, decaying, maggot infested worm food. After what she has done I will never forgive her, and that includes any further intrusions on my privacy or control. She WILL NOT control me any more. I WILL CUT WHEN I CHOOSE, this includes her birthday. She will not HUG me on her birthday because I WILL NOT be there. Dear Mother and Father, I told you NEVER to enter my room without my permission for ANY reason and you broke that rule. Do you know what it's like to have control of nothing but your BODY? I don't have any privacy anymore, you showed me by forcing me to see Sally Howard that I have no control over my actions. That is about to change. You WILL NOT control me any more! That knife I bought was a collector's item, not a weapon or whatever you thought it was! You've made me into a fool! Now I can NEVER go back to that store--especially not for a job! I even made a pact with Brianna that I would never hurt myself with it. Whether I kept it or not was not for you to decide. Why did you have to go and fuck everything up? I was doing so much better on my own. Now it's all gone to Hell! I have to start over--from scratch! I WILL control my body and there's nothing you can do to take that from me! This is YOUR consequence! You can deal with it or go to Hell. And don't call Michelle because she already knows all about this letter.
Fallen angels fly away and if I had wings I'd fly with them. I met a girl in the hospital and yet I fear her friendship. Is she conflicted, or does she not desire to be my friend? I am making her a Bad Day Box and I wrote her a semi long letter explaining myself. I hope I do not scare her away. I am hurting inside. I feel as though no one cares. I want someone to stop me and make me realize how much I'm hurting myself. It is a desire I have wanted for many years. It pains me to know I will most likely die without ever experiencing this. Simple thoughts. The complex realizations have been stolen by the fallen angels. In any case, I still am forced to wake up in the morning and hate myself. I do this with much consistency yet I must gather the strength to move past this set-back and take the next step forward. I must show them that I am strong. That I am in control. I must do this or risk hurting myself in the process. I must not give in to temptation. I must tell myself no, or become their fearful slave for eternity.
Blackened clouds cover the sky though I wear shorts and a tank-top...metaphorically speaking. Things are not going well upstairs though I shed no tears, I do not wear a frown, and that little voice inside is not telling me to slit my wrists. I do not want to be this heavily medicated forever though I fear for my life without them. Though I do not frown, I do not smile either--or laugh or criticize or argue. I am forever indifferent. I am not content with the things people say but my mind has not a single thought of sarcasm or argumentative slur. I dissociate in public so that I don't feel the need to lash out irrationally, yeah. Yes, I know this is not normal. That question constantly arises within your mind. Don't you think I know I'm not well? Would I be sitting here in front of you if everything in my life were normal? No. And yes, I use you to replace my mother because she is no longer an acceptable person with whom I can communicate. I only wish you knew how much I rely on you to be there when you say you're going to be there. If you knew, you'd never miss or cancel an appointment ever again. Anyhow, I went to a shop that sells swords. An amazing place. Such fine craftsmanship. I bought a knife. The blade is over 7 inches long and the handle has and eagle's head and talons at the end. I can't tell my parents that I bought it, under the circumstances, but I fear what will happen if they find out I hid it from them. Oh life is filled with so many inadequacies. Good night. And with some luck I will be able to speak when the sun rises.
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