Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
I feel like I'm on acid. Of course I don't know what it feels like to be on acid but I think this is an accurate perception. I feel like I'm on my own little roller coaster here going up and down and loop-de-loop and up and left then right then up and down and up and down and this goes on and on in a never ending cycle. I've felt this way since Saturday (1-2) 2 days ago. Sorry, I had to use my fingers. It's really an unpleasant feeling. Earlier I felt like I was on the Titanic and we were going down. And I get sea sick!
The world spins without me. Why does it do this? I think I'm just afraid to join in. The world spins 'round and I...I lie here in bed waiting for it to stop.
I am in pain. My mind aches for something, some stimulation maybe. I've been reading non-stop but the books are about eating disorders and cutting and depression--self help books and personal stories and the such. They're getting old. I want to go back to the hospital. I'm going to go crazy here and it hasn't even been a week. I decided my goal weight is 100. I'm pretty happy now so 100 should be just right. I'm short so that isn't that drastic a drop. I don't want to ride my horse again. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I won't be able to take it when we finally sell him. I'm also afraid I won't be able to lose the weight I want to lose. It's the only thing left that I'm able to fail at. I don't want to but I keep slipping. I'm afraid to weigh myself. It will just ruin me if it's gone up. Maybe I should just go to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow will breeze by--unlike the past month.
Location: Home once again. Someone's coming to look at Ren Saturday and I am NOT okay with it. My mind's racing in horror. I don't want to lose him, though I know I can't keep him either. I have a powder fetish. Powdered chocolate milk, powdered cool-aid, hot chocolate. I'll eat them with a spoon, make sure not to breathe out your nose while putting it in your mouth. I also have this thing with black paint. I don't know what it is but it just makes me all tingly inside. I'm having trouble getting out of bed in the, oh, early afternoon. What do I want to do with my life? I want to be a writer but I have these terrible spells of writer's block that stay for months. I want to be a computer engineer but jesus christ that's a lot of work. I wish I could work at Higglies with Noel but I hate coffee. I haven't even told my mother that I'm taking time off from school. I get these dizzy spells and I have to put my hand on the wall or something so I don't fall over. My hair's falling out. I went to the grocery store today and people at the cash register were looking at me funny. I like the scars on my arms. I guess the feeling's not mutual.
The day I left was so unreal. Like sitting on a ferris wheel. My discharge was long and hard. It was painful to leave all of my new friends behind. I miss them. I will always miss them. They actually could understand. I miss that togetherness, where everyone watched out for each other. I wish to go back some day. For this, every night I pray.
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