Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
I'm sad. I have to leave school. Not because of any of the normal reasons--financial, family crisis, i don't know--it's because I hit the wall as my therapist calls it. I can't climb walls. Never could. So now I'm leaving school and my damn mother says it's a good idea and now I'm pissed off. My therapist made me promise that I'd call her if I was going to cut. I'm going to cut because I have to see the second opinion again tomorrow. I hate my life. Well, I guess I'll be calling my therapist tomorrow afternoon.
I think this valiant effort at creating a darkness around myself stems from my fear of losing it. When the depression is gone, I will have nothing left to carry on about. I will be a typical young american. Black and red beaded bracelets, black paintings, dark eyes, dark words--all just a race against time to preserve that part of myself. Maybe I won't lose it, but just in case, I'm preparing for a worst case scenario. People don't understand that. I've stayed awake tonight to remember...to keep my mind alive. I was getting death looks from the nurse doing rounds all morning but I just laugh. I do not fear her. She is what will keep my thoughts flowing--my hatred. I've lost that. and it really hurts. It hurts deep down inside. Location: Las Encinas Hospital.
I fear i've lost my dark side. I've used crafts to keep my creativity flowing but all i've produced are black figures, boxes, bracelets. All of them black. I keep my eye makeup dark to point others to the truth. the truth is in my eyes and it took my therapist many months to find it there. My smile masks the pain inside and overpowers my eyes. I wish it wouldn't do that. But i've made friends with all of the staff here and I'm pleased with that. I sometimes fear for my solitude here. People are too willing to be your friend when they hear what you're "in for." Being the youngest here I think people are prone to wanting to "watch over me," but then I have to deal with their departure. I make friends and then I lose them. It's a sad spectacle but it will be over soon I hope. I can only take so much "rest." I can't get any work done here, primarily because of my meds and it's burning through my soul like fire through paper and I've turned to ashes. I feel as though i'll blow away in the wind. swept up and taken out with the trash, I want to be me again. That paper on which my story is written. Location: Las Encinas Hospital.
Being at this place has been...an adventure. I still don't know when I'm leaving but I've been here a week and two days. I've seen people come and go, and I've seen them return. I've made friends and lost them at the same time. I feel as though I will leave this place with nothing more than a story--something to tell my children. I do not though, feel that I have changed in any way. I was forced to find a new way to cope--to harm myself. My source of pain is very visible but not life threatening in any way. They'd have to remove my finger nails to stop me. I now have circles of raw skin--or lack of skin as the case may be--on my knuckles. Once I have done all I can to one, I move on to the next. Michelle noticed what I'm doing but she can't stop me. The nursing staff can't either, though I don't believe they would if they could. I feel wasted in this place, forever idle. My life neither steps forward nor back. I feel as though I have lost a part of myself by coming here. The lithium I now take day and night has consumed my creativity. I no longer have a menacing, wretched thought in my mind and I feel empty without them. I write no poetry, read no books, draw no pictures. I am lost. I still fear the coming of day, as I always have. Location: Las Encinas Hospital.
So I've got a new room mate. Her name is N**** and I think she looks like a man. I want to stay up all night until Michelle comes. I'll be so pissed off if she doesn't come tonight. My roommate's making weird noises as she unpacks but M******* from next door came in and said I could give her a ring whenever I needed anything. So many people are leaving tomorrow. I hope D**** and K**** aren't leaving. That was weird, I just got a call for D****. She lives in a different hall. Hm...how weird. Ugh where's Michelle?!! I want to call her so bad and ask her when she'll be here. I think my new roommate's deaf because she didn't seem to even notice the phone ringing and she's making weird noises like she can't hear herself. I've heard about the deaf woman. How'd I get stuck with her? There's no way in hell I'm telling this woman my problems. I think N*** moved to 114 instead of 118. M******* is also worried, as I was, of who her new room mate will be when P**** moves out. I think most of the people in this place have serious issues in their head. Not just depression and the such but real unfixable brain damage type stuff. I feel like one of those who are halfway curable. Every time I hear someone walking outside the door I pray that It's Michelle but it hasn't been yet. I'm so worried she won't come. I want out of here so bad but at least while I'm in here I get to see here ever day that she's in town, which is most days. Well, I think I'll go lie down until 1. Michelle gets here or 2. 9:00 rolls around and it's time for meds. I wish there was no tomorrow... Location: Las Encinas Hospital.
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