Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
Las Encinas Hospital: I feel as though I've been abandoned here in this place. I've never wanted to die more than I do right now but Michelle broke her promise to me and never came. I can never forgive her. She stuck me here and now I'm in hell. I just can't seem to stop crying. This day has been the worst day of my life and I had to endure it alone. I sat for hours alone. Michelle never came. Sorry isn't going to cut it this time. She abandoned me here. I want to go to sleep but I have a room mate and I'm not sure what her plan is tonight. I haven't slept in 36 hours and I'm about ready to go batty. I want to go home, sleep in my own bed, hate my life as usual. Why won't they just let me live out my life the way it always has been. Why put me through this? They made me eat dinner. Never again. I had a potato with nothing on it and no skin. Call it unmashed potatoes without the gravy. I hated it. Hospital food. i swore I'd never get this low. But here I am.
On this day I packed my belongings (books, clothes, cds, computer, and various other things) and started off on a journey through hell and back. I will never forget. they won't let me forget. Yet in a way, i feel different, like the girl who rumored to have gone to a mental hospital and no one ever spoke to her again. like she was a non-entity. I feel proud, exhilarated to know that I have been through this...this struggle and I made it out alive. I still shake uncontrollably from my meds but I enjoy it. When people see I revel in their inquisitive stare.
I feel like taking my meds and going to therapy is the only barrier from me killing myself. The days that I'm not there I'm in such excruciating pain that I just dread leaving. I'll cry for hours just thinking about having to walk out of my therapist's office after the session is over. Does no one understand my pain?? I am so alone. Everyone's abandoned me. I want to read but I can't read and cry at the same time and I can't sleep because I'm crying and I feel hot under the covers of my bed.
I've been up ever since I got home last night reading Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel...sleeping between chapters and rising a half hour later just to get engrossed in it again. It raises questions for me, makes me realize things--not good things--about my life and it's direction. I have no hope for getting better. I never did but now I really don't. Maybe this was a bad idea, I'm not sure, but I'm glad I'm reading it. Finally someone who thinks the same thoughts as me. Exactly.
I sit here and wonder why the world spins without me. Dreams of inconceivable success and fame are at my fingertips. My mother, who refuses to just let me be this person I have become is just a phone call away. Too close. She stretches out my chances for hope until the fibers begin to snap one by one. I wish to be so much more than she could ever dream of being. She would rather get her money than allow me to gain the knowledge I so fervently desire. "Talk to your father this weekend" she says. That's too far away. Today is today and tomorrow...well I hope it never comes. This weekend is an eternity. She strips me of the happiness I have worked so hard for and deserve. It came...and now it's all gone. That happiness was something I can never get back. I hate her for that.
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