Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
I want to cut so badly. I feel so angry with myself and those around me I don't know what to do I made a promise I do not want to keep I want to forget this day but I cannot sleep I'm all alone. So much sadness surrounds me I do not care to share what's in my heart I want to cut away the bad parts. I feel abandoned here My mind is filled with fear But you are no where near. Oh I wish to take my own life But I do not have the courage I would rather be in hell than where I am But I made a promise You must be quite a friend Actually I just fear your disappointment And I will until the bitter end.
Is it that sleep-until-this-hell-is-over kinda day? Or is it a screw-sleeping...lets-think-up-a-plan kinda day? The latter you say? I feel your pain. I've been feeling that way for the past week. And I can't get it to go away. Now that all of my professors know my "problem" they've all been e-mailing me and asking me to meet them in their office to let them know how things are going...sigh. I now officially hate my life. And I wish it were over. I'm so scared because it's never gone on this long before. Some days I think I'd be better if they'd just put me in the hospital. But what would everyone think of me then? Then I'd really be in hell. They keep asking me if I'm going to be okay. What am I supposed to say? Of course I'm not going to be okay. I hate being this way. Maybe I'll write again some other day.
so this is how it ends. And all because of a senile old math professor who didn't know when to keep her mouth shut. I don't know what to do. I can't face her next week. I hate this school so much. I wish I could go through life okay with being mediocre. But that was never enough for me was it. I always had to do better. I hate it all. I want to transfer to another school. Life would be so much simpler if my professors didn't know my name. I want to go to sleep but i'm in my school's library waiting for a 2:30 class (it's only 1:04). Oh I don't know what to do. I guess I'll go worry some more until someone calms me down.
I need to vent to someone who won't disagree with me. My lab professor is such a bitch. She's about seventy, 4'6" or so and I look down to her. My professor for the lecture told me that I could do the lab on my own since I wasn't able to make it to the scheduled lab time and that I needed to contact my lab professor to get a copy of the lab assignment. So this afternoon I went to pick up the lab and the professor decided she was going to yell at me in front of about 16 other people and told me that I was incapable of doing the lab on my own because I wouldn't understand it and she felt she needed to "supervise" me while I did it. Now that was her word, not mine. No one tells me what I am or am not capable of. I'm so pissed off. So It's 2:43am and I'm working on the lab which just happens to be the easiest lab we've had this semester and she thinks I need her help to do it. She's the one who needs help. She can't add 2 and 2 without a conflict. She is so not getting a good review when the semester reviews come out.
Again, this is not finished but I found it and liked the start of it so here it is (February 7, 2002)
I strive for perfection in every way I know I will not be perfect today Nor tomorrow nor the day after that But I am not prepared to acknowledge that. I hide from the world and all that it holds Trying on numerous different molds but none of them fit, they're all too small Into depression I start to fall Why can't I be just like them Perfectly happy in their own skin.
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