Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
This is for those of you who don't want to go see a therapist (don't worry, I'm not going to tell you that you should go). I never wanted to see a therapist either. Even today I dread going every time and don't feel like much has been accomplished when i do go. Why do I still go? Because my therapist is the only person in the world who can keep me from cutting. If I stopped going today, i'd go back to cutting tomorrow. I guess you could say it's a fear of having to tell her. I worry the night before about what I'm going to say, whether there'll be any awkward silences, whether i'll say the right thing. I worry and worry until I can't deal any longer so I go to sleep. And let me tell you--I've been sleeping an awful lot these days. The meds I'm on only make me tired and spacey. I sit in lecture taking notes but I don't hear one word the professor says. If he called on my for any reason I would make a fool of myself because I wouldn't hear him.
I feel so alone. I have no one. But you don't want to hear that do you. I didn't think so. What do you want to hear then? Lies? Because lies are all that's left. I live my life in lies. I lie to everyone varying amounts. I have tried my hardest though to tell you the truth. It's hard sometimes and sometimes I have to leave out the truth. But that's not a lie. It's not telling the whole story. Sometimes I don't know what to say. Today...today. Do you know what it's like to be afraid of humility? I see every person as potential for disaster. Does my hair look okay, how about my clothes. Is my stride too fast? Too slow? What do they see when they see me? Please god don't let me trip and fall. What do my classmates think of me? Do they think I'm stuck up, or just shy? I'm NOT going to cry.
I am so pissed off!!! I am a vegetarian and have been for about a year. Well, a year and then some because I never really ate meat anyways. So tonight my mother's making a roasted chicken for dinner and she's angry with me because I won't eat it!! UGH!!!!! I'm so incredibly angry with her! I'm also having trouble on my homework and my father can't help me because he never got this far in college, and it's so far beyond anything my mother knows that she won't even look at it. I'm so far behind in school and I have a midterm in two weeks. I'm so angry and worried and frustrated that I don't even know what to say.
I hate myself. Nothing can explain the agony I feel when I look into the mirror. I hate the clothes that I wear and the way I look in them. I refuse to weigh myself for fear I've gained weight. I won't wear tight shirts or shorts because I get so angry with myself for not looking perfect in them. Even things I used to wear have been stuffed in drawers never to be seen again. Whenever I even think of food I want to smack myself. Each moment of thought is filled with my mind trying to keep me from eating (even though I've only been eating things that are completely fat-free) I hate myself when I eat even fat-free foods. I wish they wouldn't ask me if I've lost weight. It only makes me feel like I've failed. And I don't deal well with failure. I can't say anything right. The more and more I try, the harder it gets. I just want to crawl in a hole and pull the hole in after me. There's no point left to life. I find each day more tedious than the last.
I was looking at this webpage today which was sent to me via e-mail through my message board (the author posted it on my "other" message board titling it "Great New Site") The "message" left was to read it and give the author any suggestions. I haven't the heart to be truthful but someone must know what I thought. I was VERY hard on the eyes and the author sounded disgustingly "all-knowing". She's younger than me (16) and thinks herself smarter than the average "professional". I'm sorry but two years of SI and a struggle with bulimia does not make her all-knowing. She said she's writing a book which has her life story in it--I had trouble not saying "oh come on!" while reading through the "my struggles" section so there's no way I'd read a book on the subject. In the beginning she makes herself out to be much older and when I read that she was 16, i just lost all respect.
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