Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
This has been the weekend from hell. Spending this much time with my parents is making me suicidal. If I could cut I would and then it wouldn't get so bad but there's nothing to cut with. Trust me-I've looked.
I don't know why this came up so fast-this hatred for my parents. Did I just now realize how much they've hurt me? I feel so depressed after I open up to them, talk to them like nothing's happened. If thanksgiving is anything like today, I'm afraid I'm going to cut. They still think I've stopped. I don't know if I can handle it. And today I decided what I wanted to do-get a PhD in astrophysics. Everyone told me to look it up on the internet and now I'm scared shitless because of it. I was so excited today. Michelle yapped for the entire hour today and I didn't get to talk about the things I wanted to talk about. But I did get to spend the entire day on the internet and update my WebPages and work on my dmoz submissions. But now I'm depressed and dreading tomorrow. I've decided to do something I love before doing something I hate. I'm going to see Ren tomorrow morning so that I can have some happiness before I go insane.
When I was little and I'd had a really bad day at school or elsewhere and I told either my mother or father about it, they didn't give me a hug and tell me everything was going to be okay. Instead they told me what I had done wrong and why it was my fault. My father actually seemed to have no opinion whatsoever and never made more than a grunt so I learned long ago to tell him as little as possible. I don't remember a single time when my mother just let me be right about something.
My mother makes these stupid assumptions that I'm going to be like her when I'm older. She makes too many assumptions. She wants to find thought and some kind of purpose in everything. She thinks everything's fine between us and it's not. I ask her a simple question and she goes on and on and now I AM kicking myself afterwards.
So my whole fucked up family is coming into town this year for Christmas. Both sides. People I've never seen and people I haven't seen for ten years. I'm going to lose my mind. Literally. I'm sick of hearing my sister praise herself. It's getting old. My parents notice every little thing she does, good and bad. My parents and sister don't notice me ever. I think this photography class will get noticed because they like taking pictures. They used to have a darkroom in their old house. I ran a mile yesterday and walked a mile today. I'm in so much pain. I stayed at the barn until 1:00 today, I had so much fun. Belen's back. Everyone's getting a new horse. I'm generally happier but I'm worried about Thanksgiving and Christmas and my birthday. I'm not sure I'll be able to handle it. I told my parents all I want for my birthday is for them to all go to Santa Barbara for the day (jokingly-but not). It's hard to have a problem with crowds and not be able to tell my parents. They'd understand better if they knew. But I can't tell them.
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