Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
There is a hopelessness I can't rid myself of. I get lost in my head, somehow not able to feel anything. Everything closes in like a fog and all that's left is my self, a twisted mess of everything bad and evil. I never know where to go from here, or how to get out. It's been ages. It's not like I chose to be like this. It's not my fault, I try not to be uncaring but I just ... there's nothing there, it's fake. So and so passed away, okay good to know. And go on with my day. Why is that? For whatever reason, it's been ages since there was feeling behind anything. It's always just pretend. Ask me how I feel about something and I can only tell you what I think I should feel. Why am I crying? No idea. I don't think it's because I'm sad. I don't cut because I'm angry, it just seems the most logical answer. There's a wall though, something I hit when I look too hard for a reason, or something to feel. There's more to it than sad, angry, whatever. I'm just not willing to go there. Giving it a name seems to diminish it's importance, it's intensity. Crying seems unnecessary, a waste of energy. It's worse than that. Like crying in a sad movie, how dumb. Like screaming bleeding crying wasting away all at once, it's worse still. It's like I've spent that last nine years trying to express a feeling I can't name. God damn anyone who tries to do so.
Christmas is over, now I just have to survive my birthday. I've wanted to cut so badly, my parents put a sort of swiss army knife in my stocking (*scratches head*) it has a knife, and cerated knife, two screw drivers, pliers, a flash light, a bottle opener. I don't know what goes through my mother's head when she's buying these things. What does she think I use to cut with?? A fork maybe? It's so weird. I want to keep it so I'm going to try really hard not to use it for cutting. My sidekick's really cool but I don't have internet yet. I called T-Mobile when they opened at 2am this morning and got the phone activated and they said it would be 24 hours for the internet & email to be up. Hopefully by lunchtime tomorrow I'll have internet. I'm not sure where I'm going to post "updated.." on this site, probably just on the welcome page but I hadn't though about that until now. It's weird now, that guy at work who's 24, his girlfriend just had the baby and he's very proud, I'll be 24 in a week and a half. My sister and I went to see Harry Potter today, she hadn't seen it, it's never quite as exciting the second time, especially with my sister & on hard seats. I'm exhausted, I'm not ready to go back to work tomorrow. Luckly it's a short week and the following week is even shorter beause I also took my birthday off. My therapist was talking about me (not using names of course) to her older brother, that I'd be perfect for him. I thought that was funny. He's in IT, doesn't want kids, etc. If he was about 10 years younger I might have actually been excited at the idea. Funny, I've never acted my age. It always seemed ... "imature" to act my age. Work sucks, my co-worker (our second production person) is threatening to quit (again) if something isn't done about our "operations lead" in the next two to three weeks tops. I can't quit right now, not after getting pulled into IT as "backup." I need some of this on my resume before I even consider leaving. I couldn't go to another company and do the same boring work I started out doing here. IT people always get outsourced (or so I've been told) so I'd need a job like what I'm doing now where I'm there for the IT stuff when they need it but I have another position there for when they don't. That way I won't be finding a new job every time they decide to change how they're doing things. Here's some pictures from Christmas Eve of my family:
(My 2 second cousins Sophie & J.P.)
(My cousin John and his son J.P.)
(My uncle & I in his backyard overlooking the ocean in La Jolla)
(That's me in the black facing the camera, proof that I do eat once in a while *wink*). There was one of my dad & me but I look like an idiot. Wow it's taking over an hour and a half to delete & upload the new site. It's a lot of pages (323 total) but it's only 5.1 MB. I wish I could get my math certificate, I bought an instructor's version of an Algebra & Trig. book & Pre-Calculus so I can refresh my brain. I've forgotten so much. I'd really like to get into combinatorics but I'm not sure what steps I'd have to take after Calculus 3 (which is what I would have taken next) to get to combinatorics. It seems there's a lot of theoretical stuff before you get to that which I'm not sure interests me too much. Harvard has an online study program now. I'm too busy updating this site, exercising, & cleaning to do anything important...*sigh* I guess I have to find a way out of my head before I can start working on improving it.
5:12pm Yesterday: Letter writing has never been my thing. I don't mean thank-you's & poetic happy birthdays, I mean those "I haven't seen you in years, maybe you've forgotten me or now don't care, but here's my life story for your reading pleasure." I can state facts, draw a timeline of failed goals, but a friendly "update" of sorts, a this is what I've been up to ho 'bout you" doesn't come naturally. I deal in facts & figures, art & fantasy. Being casual, laid back, is something I have to try really hard at. I've written my art teacher every Christmas since I graduated high school but haven't mailed one. what if she's moved? she had planned to retire in 2005. that "doom" feeling keeps popping up in places I don't expect it. i got [to work] around 11:15am this morning and i'm supposed to stay until 8:21pm...on 4 hours sleep, 6 the night before, and none the night before that. i haven't wrapped any of my x-mas gifts. i don't even have them all yet. "brighter than sunshine" I can't eat when there are people in the kitchen with me. i cam in to listen to my music and eat my rice cakes in peace, but now there's another person in here and she's erading the paper so she can even hear this pen running across the paper. my 3 monitors are so inspiring. i just want to design & build & get others to design with me. it's sickening. creating the notepad artistry group was a product of that maddness. 5:34pm end. Currently: obviously I'm not getting much sleep tonight. It's 2:45am and my alarm goes off at 6:30am because I see my therapist in the morning. I feel like shit. I just had to clean my room though, it was running through my blood all day, I had to do it, and I couldn't sleep until I did. Then I found some online issues that I just COULDN'T let go, they were dumb too, now that I've completed them I see that. my right eye literally hurts, like someone's pushing on it. Friday night isn't coming fast enough. Every day has been agony and Friday I have to be at work by 8:30am so that I can leave during the day to get my hair cut and then return to finish my 8 hour day by 8pm. What are the odds of me going to bed at 9pm tomorrow night?? I don't even get home from work until about 8:45pm. I still have to do something with my coworker's gifts before then. I haven't wrapped ANYTHING except a present I need for tomorrow. I hate the holidays and this year is giving me a particularly hard time. All I want is for it to be over. The anticipation of how bad it will be is probably worse than how bad it will turn out to be (i hope). Anyone who passes me in the hallway these days or SPEAKS to me at work, makes me want to crawl into a hole even more than usual. Everyone leave me the fuck alone!!! I'm going to bed.
I received my monitors today. I still need the two graphics cards to come so I can actually use them, but the world is definitely a BIGGER and better place. 19" monitors are HUGELY different from 15" monitors. They're bigger than my television! I'll take a picture and post it. They're inspiring me to redisign the site though. If I could just use all thre....imagine the possibilities.
Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday to me: We received our bonuses two days ago and I treated myself to some things. Three flat panel 19" monitors that I'll mount side-by-side on the wall just over my desk for AWSOME wide-screen multi-tasking. I also had to buy three wall mounts ($99 each)and two additional graphics cards ($119 ea.) so I almost could have purchased two new desktops or two new laptops with the works for the same price but I've dreamed of having side-by-side monitors for as long as I can remember. Two would have worked but three flat panels mounted on the wall is 100x better. I saw this while I was browsing: QUAD LCD DISPLAY. Some day. I'd need a new motherboard though for that or else maybe there's a graphics card that uses something other than a PCI slot 'cause I'm all out with 3 monitors. Of course the quad display would only cost me about $450 on top of what I just ordered, I wouldn't even have to purchase the one above to get the exact same thing in probably better quality. The difference with mine is that to have the square layout above I'd have to mount all of the monitors on the wall. They don't come with that special stand. Although here in earthquake USA, I'm not sure I'd want to take the risk of having that type of thing NOT secured to a wall. $3000 gone in a mater of seconds...My SideKick II has arrived. I don't get to even see it until christmas morning but ITS HERE!! and so is my new printer which I got to open and actually use this evening since I bought it. It's already been through "pre-production" and the monitors are in stock but the graphics cards and wall mounts aren't expected to be shipped until January 2nd! I'll only be able to use one monitor until I get those graphics cards. I have to go into work four a couple of hours today (Saturday) because I overslept 3 hours yesterday (Friday) and didn't get into work until 2pm. I told my supervisor I'd probably be in about 10am because he needed to come in to...so I guess I'd better get some sleep. I need to be up by 7:30am. I was going to get an iPod video with my bonus but I'm not using my iPod nano too much. Music was giving me a headache tonight and I have the "doom" feeling when I think of using my iPod. I haven't wrapped any presents or even bought paper. I haven't balanced my checkbook in over a month so instead of just doing it I purchased an upgraded version of MS Money so that all the info can just be downloaded from my bank. Hopefully I won't have to do anything except change the category, notes, etc. of things. I got it at buy.com for $36/7 something of $79.99 because they discounted it and then gave a rebate. I purchased the SideKick II because they do a credit check for the calling plan but my mother was going to pay me back and give it to me for christmas. She still hasn't paid me back and now the cell phone I have until christmas doesn't work because T-Mobile has already transferred my service from Verizon. (6:58am) Man my dad's crabby this morning. I went out to tell him about the cool new flat panel monitors dell has and that I was going to buy [more than one] with my bonus (I wasn't specific about numbers) and he was really crabby about it. Like it's his money, like I should be "saving for tires" even though I don't pay rent and can save for tires EVERY OTHER MONTH. He didn't even seem to find the quad monitor set very cool which I'm surprised about. He also seemed pissed that I haven't been to bed, but I'm almost 24, I'm responsible, and it's the only time I get to work on my computers. AND IT'S THE WEEKEND!!! Damn the man. I want to hit something or something.
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