Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
For some reason I can't make myself go to bed. My co-worker went home early today and then called in this evening and said she wouldn't be in wednesday or thursday and she had already requested friday off. I'm feeling more than a little resentful about it. It means doing my work and hers for three days. Fine. But don't talk to me until Monday unless you want your head bitten off. I don't want help doing her job because it just complicates the process and my head's doing too many things to worry about what this other person is doing and where the jobs are between the two of us. I was supposed to get 8hrs of sleep tonight so I could get through tomorrow. I'm depressed about my body. The size, just certain places really. My upper legs, upper arms, and stomach. I keep saying I'll go to bed once I've exercised off this fat, like it will go away in an hour of sit-ups or weight lifting or leg lifts. I keep looking, expecting to see less than I did 20 sit-ups ago. Last night I thought Midol: caffeine + that stuff that makes you lose water weight. I can take 2 Midol and it feels like 1 caffeine pill, so 4 Midol will feel like 2 caffeine pills? It seemed logical, though I ended up in an extremely unpleasant state pretty unable to stand upright. I've been out of protein bars and I don't know what to do about it, I'm panicking about it. Yesterday I only had one and today I don't have any and I have to drive totally out of my way to get more. I was just going to have rice cakes but since I didn't get to sleep by 1am, I'm gonna need more than that to get through tomorrow. Three Kudos is less calories but more fat and less food all together. They're not even good. I feel like I'm eating a candy bar and it does not feel good. I wish I had an apple or something. At least then my stomach would hurt too much to want to eat and then there wouldn't be so much fuss over what, when and how much.
How do you tell a guy that you were...you know, the "r" word, broken, left to ROT? How do you tell someone, someone you don't want to hurt, especially when you aren't willing to admit it to yourself, aren't sure if it happened to you or if you caused it to happen? How can you have a relationship if you don't tell the other person? It's a lot to take on, just the knowledge of it. Why would I want to do that to someone? Why would they stay with me if they had to carry that around all the time? Don't I already carry enough around for the both of us? As you can tell I'm not as tired as I thought I was. Someone just went to bed in the room next to me though so it's going to be a pretty long night, especially since I'll have to stay in my room or risk meeting someone in the hallway, my new cuts exposed. I wonder how many people suspect that I still cut. It's probably fewer than it "should" be. Like I care. It's nice to have a secret once in a while. Makes life interesting.
The meeting's over, and it's a go. My HTML actually came in handy at a non-web job. It was a huge success. And I only spent the last three hours (and two hours last night, about three to four more hours at work today) finishing it! *sakes head* I'm so sick of looking at code I even almost don't want to be writing. We haven't had hot water for the past two days. I'm dying for a long HOT shower. I'm too tired to sit here and I just started making rice.
Have you ever tried to tell, say your therapist, that you cut and then really HONESTLY want to tell him or her how badly you felt? What you were REALLY feeling before doing it?? Somehow, when I tell my therapist I've cut, or when I pull up my sleeve to show her so that I don't actually have to SAY IT, I lose that "slicing myself open was my only way to survive" seriousness that I really TRULY feel. Sometimes I even let out a chuckle, or maybe that's insanity's chuckle, the one that doesn't mean anything, where the horrors of the world seem...humerous. I lose seriousness when I try to say something serious....Funny. I hate how after I cut, my arm/leg/whatever itches like hell. I wish I could have constant wounds all over. These days I'm only able to have one every 3-4 months without feeling guilty or having to "think about how this is going to effect my future." Aren't there nice guys out there who cut or used to cut who would understand if I cut once in a while? I want more than this but at the same time I want this AND more. I want to be as thin as possible, I want to cut, I DON'T want to have flashbacks, and I do want to meet a nice guy and get married. (No kids please.) This mexican...man (I can't tell how old he is) who empties the trash around 9pm in the building I work in always says hi to me because I'm always STILL there when he comes and tonight he asked me if I was working (yes) and then told me I work too hard. Go figure, he empties the trash and hardly speaks english, I wanted to say "gotta work hard to get what you want" but that sounded like it could be taken the wrong way. My plan wasn't to put him down so I just laughed and shook my head. He finished his rounds and asked my name, and then introduced himself (Tomas) and said to have a good evening. Strange, as much as I get stares and WHISTLES and sick comments, I've never had a stranger talk to me like I'm human. Anyhow, I wish I could get out of the office earlier so I didn't have to talk to him, he makes me uncomforatble. Guys who are "friendly" make me uncomfortable, they're the guys who seem like they aren't sure if they can talk to me. I can't tell what they're thinking because they never SAY anything.
Wow it's been a trip. I've been really busy designing this for work, in my own spare time. It's such a hit (so far) that I may end up being asked to create one for the company's reporters to use (this one is for my very small department within the company and the affiliates we work with). I sent another "letter" to my department "lead," and copied my supervisor, the office manager, and the owner on all the benefits. Oddly enough, no one talked to me about what they thought but they all talked to each other. I was so paranoid all day that no one was replying to me or testing out the script (I would have received an email if they had). They're all seemingly impressed but I can't help but be paranoid at the fact that all the talk is happening "behind my back" so to speak. We're still waiting on the marketing department to decide if they want to venture into PHP or not but I think that's the only thing we're waiting on at this point. There are some things that need to be ironed out but nothing else major. The department "lead" wants me to have something finalized by our meeting Friday and I have Wednesday off. I'll probably end up spending that day off working on this damn form that only she has a problem viewing. I swear if I end up doing this for the company repoters, I'm not working on it at home like I have with this one. I've lost so many hours of sleep over this that I'm bordering on exhaustion. I'm finally forced to take this one day off. I'm even a little stressed about taking the time right now. I enjoy designing online forms and other things for our department since it's also what I do for fun but I almost prefer to JUST do it for fun. It's not as much fun when there are deadlines and EXPECTATIONS behind it. My reputation is even sort of riding on this project and it's outcome. If it isn't the breakthrough everyone's hoping it will be, I'm gonna feel a little sheepish.
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