Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
There's this guy at work (as some of you may remember) who is totally sweet and funny and cute. He's 24 and works the same hours I work (much to my enjoyment), 11:15am-7:45pm for him and 11:30am-8:00pm or 9:00pm for me. He has a girlfriend which I've always known but it's totally fun to have a nice guy just to hang around with occasionally. Well his girlfriend has a 5yr old daughter and now she's pregnant. Somehow, the day I overheard that, he turned not very cute anymore. 24, not married, and his girlfriend's pregnant. I guess it's just how I grew up, but that doesn't seem fair to the child. It seems like an unstable relationship makes a child feel unstable. I don't know why it bothered me so much, there are many strange relationships going on at the office that just don't seem natural, but I guess he seemed better than that. If it was a girl I'd feel the same way, don't get me wrong. The same feeling came over me when my 25yr old co-worker told me she had a 9yr old son and was engaged to a 34yr old man. I mean what is it with people these days? What happened to marriage in your mid to late 20's, a few years later you have kids, when your marriage is stable? I'm not a religious person, I don't believe you'll go to hell or anything if you have children out of wedlock but for the development of the child (and out of simple smarts) I've always belived in marriage then kids. Not kids and then MAYBE marriage down the line. It seems a little backwards. My whole office seems to have had their first child in their teens and either weren't married at the time or have since devorced the person they married at a young age. There are a couple women in their 40's who have never married and have several cats but I honestly don't know ... more than one or two people who are part of the "typical" relationship that you would think of. Not that those peole are better than all the others, just that it's strange to me how the "norm" has changed so drastically. I just had to get that off my chest.
I bought this book today at Borders called Life Inside the "Thin" Cage by Constance Rhodes. It was looking pretty good (skimming last page to first) but when I got to the beginning I realized it's about about EDNOS. Ms. Rhodes was thrilled to finally be categorized correctly (instead of the category Anorexia) when she learned of EDNOS but a diagnosis of EDNOS would be reason enough for me to stop eating. Frankly, I don't know anyone in the anorexic community who would be satisfied with an EDNOS diagnosis. To me, it's that sick but not sick enough to be diagnosed as anything phase that's not worth being in. Hense the addition "Not Otherwise Specified." She calls what she has as a sub-clinical eating disorder. Most of us turn our noses up at those who've only ever had a "sub-clinical" eating disorder. Hopefully, it's out of our illness rather than general personality that we do this but none the less, to us this is nothing to share with the world. "I had a not-very-serious eating disorder not worth diagnosing, let me write a book about it and be called inspirational!" Please. What a waste of money. Can you gain weight from eating 30-40 grapes? Probably not but since it still concerns me, I thought I'd ask. Is it possible to de-activate the panic button on a car key remote thing? I keep accidentally hitting mine at all the wrong times. Some jerk 18-yr old trying to buy beer made a dumbass comment when I accidently hit mine this evening, something about new cars. Dumbass.
In all this, I've numbed the voice telling me I'm obese and in turn woken the voice telling me I'm disgusting and dirty. I've come head long into flashbacks as bad as ever but I think they are a result of remembering, of wanting more than this. They're more painful, more damaging. I wish I didn't have to function in society. Around every corner, through every door, he waits for me. Ten more pounds and maybe he won't recognize me, maybe he won't remember, maybe I'll be too numb to feel him hurting me.
So there are greater hopes of my father and I going to Europe together (volunarily without my mother) just for fun. We were planning that I would go with him sometime when he goes for business but he also wants to retire in a year (or as soon after that as possible). I told my mother of the plan and now she's pushing me to get my passport and is wanting to help get it planned. I'm wary of taking time off work but I have to take time off eventually. I've been there coming up on two years and I've never really taken time off. I fed my fish peas again tonight and he seems to be doing a little better. He hasn't been able to stay upright and ends up with red on his belly from prolonged exposure to the air when he floats to the top upside-down. I'm not sure why they say to feed them skinned peas but whatever the reason, he always seems a little better. He likes them too. I want to show people my car tomorrow but there's no way I'll get there early enough to deal with it. I'll just have to bring pictures. Well, I have to go exercise, I feel really large even though I probably haven't broken 1000 calories all weekend, and less than 800 all last week. It sucks. I really don't want to work tomorrow. Luckly, I have an appointment during the day so it will be a short work day with a long break in the middle.
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