Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
I think I'm going to pass out...three caffeine pills and some grapes several hours ago isn't feeling too great. That guy this evening...He was at work late, probably trying to cover a job and I was there too, when he was clocking out to leave he noticed I was still there and said "how sweet, you waited for me" and I couldn't s smiling. He was joking but I totally was waiting for him...*grin* my wiredness caused me to speak to my mother this evening and I'm regretting it. I hate her knowing things, simple things like how my day went, what's been going on at work, whether I'm functioning or not. you know, the basics. Something to think about: "about.body.dysmorphic.disorder/At one time or another we all worry about our appearance, but when you wake up degrading your nose, hair, chest, WEIGHT, etc. and then continuing to have these thoughts all day, that's when there is a problem. Closely linked to other disorders and psychiatric conditions, Body Dysmorphic Disorder (termed shortly BDD) is a serious disorder that is growing fast. People that suffer from BDD not only dislike some aspect of how they look, they're preoccupied severely with it. Most get to the point where it is very hard to go outside or sit down comfortably, or go to work and talk to others, without thinking the self-degrading thoughts about their flaws. The thoughts soon over take the person's mind and it is all he/she can think about. The problem, though, is that all of these self-degrading thoughts about a perceived flaw are distorted. Many, many times the supposed flaw doesn't even exist, or an "imperfect" body part is blown entirely out of proportion. However, the person themselves cannot see that what they believe is distorted. Many hold the belief that they are seeing all of this, therefore it MUST be true. This is one of the main reasons that it is so hard for people on the 'outside' to try and convince even the most severely emaciated people with anorexia that they are not fat or failures - the people with anorexia and/or bulimia themselves literally cannot look in the mirror and see the same person that everyone else sees." You can read the rest here: HealthyPlace.com if you're interested. This is like someone explaining all the crazy obsessive thoughts that I never understood why I was the only one having! I never considered BDD as a name for them. It's nice to have a name for things, then you can go read about why and what and how to deal. It's like little bit of hope wrapped up in three tiny words. You can't get over something that doesn't exist. It's also hard to talk about when you're too worried you're the only one obsessing. Don't look at me like i'm crazy! It's real to me! is all that comes to mind. I'm insulted whenever doctors prescribe a so-called anti-psychotic, especially because of how it sounds. I always end up going off them though because they knock me out or cause some other really unpleasant side-effect. Good therapists realize that however unrealistic it is, it's real to you. Psychiatrists just think real or not, it's wrong, let's medicate it. That's my experience anyway. Even unexperienced "councelors" in group have looked at me like I'm a little off...but that's probably common. They're new at this *wink*
I've had so much food, I keep telling myself it's okay, it was over 2000 cals last night, less than 2000 tonight and i feel horrible. I can feel it all still in my stomach and I don't have time to exercise it off either. I should have gone to bed 20 minutes ago. I still have to redo my black nail polish, finish my wash, feed the cats...I shouldn't be writing.
I had about 1000 calories today, i am so disgusted. somehow i've lost all sense of the skeleton i saw last night. i see it but that moment is so fleeting, so utterly gone hours later that it's easier to believe i was imagining it and go on believing i've gained instead. my stomach still looks a bit round, my thighs still bulge and every month i'm cursed with the same routine, constantly over and over, it never ends. to be completely pure, nothing but air...
While I wait for sleep to hit, one of my ornamental goldfish died today. I knew this morning that he wouldn't make it. I held him upright in the water and tried to get water through his gills for about 10 minutes until I realized it wasn't doing anything for him. I knew when I got home I wouldn't find him suddenly revived but I saw him and just lost it. I want to burry him on the hillside but it's seeming a little ridiculous. I had trouble putting him out to be thrown away like garbage. I haven't eaten much of anything since Tuesday. Maybe 350 or 400 calories. A quarter of a small loaf of bread (200 cals) 20-30 grapes (90-135 cals), a few bites of watermelon tonight because with cleaning out the fish tank for the remaining fish and three caffeine pills at 8pm, i had spent every last bit of energy left in me. I didn't even have anything left to cry. I'd get all choked up but there wouldn't be any energy left for it to go further so it'd fizzle out completely. I considered food many times today but it never seemed safe enough for me to pick up anything that wasn't thoroughly planned out. and now i've lost the energy to say anything else so i'm going to bed. what the hell am i going to do tomorrow?
I think I've gained like 10lbs overnight. My therapist says she was thinking i've lost but i'm having a hard time grasping that. I want to cut so bad...i mean i really badly want to cut long & deep. Flashbacks & night terrors (?) that feel, i feel like i'm going to black out they're so real. As much as i want them to end, there's this guy. I think he's why they're so bad but i also am starting to think that if i was with someone i trusted, they either wouldn't happen so often or they wouldn't effect me so much when they did happen. i feel like no one would ever want me, but there's this guy...and like a kid he'll poke me in the side and walk away, or bump into me on purpose. I wish he'd just kiss me and spare me the confusion. When I think of him, for a moment I can't s smiling, but then it hits me, i mean like a punch in the face, in the chest, in the stomach, he couldn't really want me, not if he knew...My computer crashed Saturday. It took me until 3am Sunday to get Windows to boot, then it crashed again. It took me all of Sunday to get it stable enough to find the problem and I've been preparing ever since to replace the hard drive. It will be at least next weekend before I'll get the new hard drive up and running. I always loved computers...and math, because when a problem comes you diagnose it and fix it (or vice versa in this case). it's all in limbo right now though, not what I'm used to at all. I'm preparing to do a major thing and I've never done it before and can't be sure it will work. It's freakin' me out. My life is on that computer and at $2500 I can't replace it right now. I had 900 calories today, 3 caffeine pills, and now I'm going to exercise for an hour to work off this weight I think I've gained...and hopefully lose the urge to bleed profusely. I've almost got 2.1GB (of 20GB) moved off my computer to CD-RW's. The "supervisor" for my department who's been telecommuting from Arizona talked about working in our L.A. office (where I work) for a week or two while her kids are on spring break. That just makes me want to lose more weight. shock and awe comes to mind. She makes me feel the way my mother makes me feel except she weighs about 3 times my mother and i can't avoid her without quitting my job. I'm always afraid, when i meet a really sweet guy how he'll take what I did, or what was done to me (?), how it might hurt at first for us to be together, not just hurt me but him when i'm upset. he seems sweet, and strong, like he'd be okay but i don't really know him so i can't be sure. that's what really scares me, to lose him and have him prove what i've always feared, that i'm ruined permanently. my daily ritual of showering for an hour isn't making me feel better anymore, i don't even want anyone to come near me until i'm clean, until i've scraped away the stench of _him_ that covers every inch of me. when i smell it, sense it hovering, i get nauseous. i'll scrub parts of my skin raw and still not feel i've made a dent. 12:13am
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