Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
"We can go without most things for long periods of time, anything almost, but not our joy, not those handmade red shoes." - Clarissa Pinkola Estes. I look around and see only things that I've lost in this whole awful period of time. They're all here because I lost myself along the way. I guess I hoped I'd come back to enjoy them. I can't even force myself to pretend anymore. There are no "handmade red shoes." I hate my body, I just want it gone, it's ruined, not worth my time or effort to keep up. I want it to shut down because all it reminds me of is fear and pain. It can't speak if I'm not able to hear it. I want to be outside myself, not shut inside. Even when I do feel enough to cry, I just feel weak, I've let it take over. I just want to FEEL SOMETHING! I don't ever want to wake up, just let go.
I've totally changed how I'm working out my legs. I think I'm going to get sick of doing sit-ups though. I tend to get sick of things when I can't see a change after a while. I'm totally depressed again, or still, and I want to eat. Even though i'm eating more I don't feel better. I just want to go out and cook some rice or something but my mother's home so I can't. Work was horrible today. My coworker, who sits next to me, and I hardly said a word to each other. I just wasn't up for conversation or pretending to be "present" in this world. Crying once makes me numb for a long time and I'm tired of it. I'd rather feel stuff and end up crying once in a while than feel nothing. I have a stomach ache from the food I had for dinner. I think I'll get some rice cakes and go to bed.
I always get in the mood for loud screaming music just when my mother decides to go to bed. I could listen through headphones but I feel like it's more damaging to my eardrums when it's aimed directly into them like that. Alien Ant Farm is a little too mellow, I think I'll put on Linkin Park. Unfortunately, my sister knows that when I listen to Orgy things aren't going well and she probably told my mother that so I can't listen to Orgy unless I'm home alone. My mother's been leaving during the week to spend time with my dad in Santa Barbara but I'm usually not in the mood for screaming then. I just got the Maroon 5 album when I bought all those books and I've been in the mood for that when the house is empty. I don't know why. I love "Sunday Morning" the most, and then "She Will Be Loved" even though seeing the video kind of ruined that song for me. It was really stupid and the lead singer totally isn't cute in it. I put on a shirt that I used to wear when I was about 140lbs, a t-shirt that is that faux two-layer type that looks like you're wearing a short sleeve shirt over long sleeve that Pac Sun sells. It's the first shirt I ever wore with pink in it. My mother says I should wear it for casual Fridays at work because it "looks so cute" but I'm trying to get out of that whole surfer/skater whatever look with puka shells and roxy t-shirts that I used to hide in, no one at work has ever seen me with that look. I'm comfortable wearing fitted sweaters (not tight ones) because instead of hiding the fat I'm now concerned that since there isn't much, people will think I'm actually hiding fat. I'd rather look skinny. If I was actually overweight, then bring on the sweats but I've worked to hard to be this skinny and I'm not waisting it on massively baggy clothes. Friday these two girls in the billing department who are both "fun" but not my type of people asked me about my "vegan" diet and why I decided to do it and if that was how I "stay" skinny like I ever really stay skinny. I totally went along with it and said I stopped drinking soda because I wanted to loose "like 2 pounds" (!) and found soda being that thing holding me back. 2 pounds omg! when in reality it's more like 20lbs that I'd like to lose. I've been eating way too much though, like 1600-2000 calories a day (!!). Wow to actually say it like that really freaks me out. Somehow it doesn't look okay at all. I'm usually one for soda only or 400 calories or 900 tops (which is still considered a starvation diet). I'm so afraid that I'm gaining weight or am going to gain weight any day now but my size 3 pants cease to be falling off (yes, off). I could pull them off without unbuttoning them, and without any effort. I purchased WS_FTP Pro yesterday because it's much more like moving files around on your computer, more hassle-free than WS_FTP95 LE which is what I was using. I've finally cancelled the PH Web hosting space and made sure all my clients were clear that they needed to find a new host. Some of them continued to ask me why the user's area was down even though I hadn't charged them for their space and sent them up to 3 emails since last August (!) letting them know we were closing. I hate when I send out important emails and then people don't read them and come to me to complain. Even with Webring, I make a change and notify all members, and then they complain to me that I haven't fixed the problem when really they didn't read my email on how I've fixed the problem on my end and since they're using the HTML code, it's now their problem if they don't update it AS INSTRUCTED! I think my coworker was a little shocked when I said I wanted to loose 2 pounds (which was about 1/10th of what I really wanted to lose) because she's about 300 pounds. I've totally gone into carb. freakout mode and can't stop eating rice, pasta, and bread. It's freaking me out but I'm also downing handfuls of grapes after I eat since laxies aren't my thing. A loaf of bread is around 800 calories, pasta 230, 500 in soda (I broke down and needed some sugar), a few grapes, 5 caffeine pills to hopefully help me burn some of that off though increased heart-rate and wired-ness. I can't even make sense of what I've eaten anymore. How many calories have I eaten? How many have I burned off? What is my body doing with what's left if any? At 100 lbs the body needs about 1300 cals at rest to function. I don't remain "at rest" all day so are the calories I'm eating okay? Are they too much? Can I eat this many and still slowly lose weight? Or do I need to exercise more? How much more do I need to exercise? How much calories does a sit-up burn? I need some water. This coke is freaking me out. I'll take back that 500 cals in soda and make it 300. Then the vitamins I'm taking for my skin have 5 calories each. How is that healthy?!? I pulled the following when looking up my BMR, it's things to do if you're overweight or obese and seem pretty logical: Overweight Treatment: "Eliminate Red Meat, Cut out fried foods, Start with a soup or a salad, Stop Cola consuption, Drink water. consume fewer calories than you burn" Obesity Treatment "1-2 pounds per week is the safest way to lose weight, eat a variety of foods especially pasta, rice, wholemeal bread, and other whole-grain foods, reduce your fat intake, you should also eat logs of fruits and vegetables. try do do at least 30 minutes of physical activity a day on most days of the week. it can be done in stages: 10 minutes here, 20 minutes there, providing it adds up to 30 minutes a day" and finally underweight treatment: "don't gain more than 1/2lb a week, make good nutrition your priority and weight gain the second, the best way to add weight is to increase your intake of complex carbohydrates, particularly whole grain ones. foods like whole wheat bread, muffins, pasta, crackers, and bagels are good to include. also, legumes and fruits would be wise choices. some more tips: drink 6-8 glasses of distilled water a day, eat frequent bu small meals, eat logs of raw fruits and vegetables (green leafy vegetables are great, do not drink coffee, alcohol, soda pop, do not eat processed foods, white sugar, white flower, avoid red meat and animal fats, reduce intake of dairy products, do not smoke and avoid second hand smoke." I eat bagels at work, pasta, more fruits these days, lots of water, very little soda, I'm as vegan as I can stand to be, and I don't drink or smoke or hang out with people who smoke. I'll have to show this to my therapist to get her opinion on these but they're definitely do-able if I want to lose or maintain weight. They don't even sound that scary.
I really want to be productive. I'm afraid if I shower and get ready that I won't be able to crawl back under the covers when I need to, or that I'll end up at the grocery store with more food. I've already eaten so much. I'm not even using my bike, I wanted my legs to be smaller. Instead I'm doing endless sit-ups and free weights and working on my inner thighs which I hate too. I'm sick of my pants being too big but they don't sell them in a smaller size and I'm not up for shopping now. I took pictures weeks ago but they haven't left the camera yet. I haven't even looked at them. I wish food wasn't so comforting and I wish not eating wasn't so hard. I replaced the calories in soda with food but I'm not liking the effect. I just watched "The Order" and it was kinda creepy. Heath Ledger was good in it though.
Last night I was suicidally depressed, crying on the phone while my therapist talked. I would have done anything for the ability to think about something other than wanting to kill myself. Today I woke up completely numb. I'm suddenly wishing I felt SOMETHING, even if it was what I was feeling last night, but nothing. The food that I ate today, the things that made me cry last night, I don't feel anything right now. Pinch me, I probably won't feel it. I can't tell if I'm stuck in my head or if it shut down and kicked me out. Maybe now, when I can't feel anything, is a good time to open one of the books I bought last weekend. Maybe I won't get anything out of it but then maybe not being freaked out before opening the book will actually allow me to get through a page or two before I can't handle it anymore.
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