Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
Well, this is likely my last entry for the year, my mother asked me today if everything was okay because I had been in my room since they got home but I told them I was going to sleep off this cold all weekend, they know they're not allowed to ask me if I'm okay or what's wrong or whatever. I'm still pissed off that she told me I'm not that skinny. I mean my size 3's are huge on me, my face is sunken. How could she say that to me even if she believed it? She's knows that's the complete opposite of what I want to hear. I got home about 2:30pm from therapy and went to bed for about 4 hours. I'm exhausted from working so much last week for year end. I worked from about 11:30am-9pm every day despite being sick. I'm working on creating a book list on amazon.com for the required books for a math major at Cornell University. Mainly because I want them all for own collection. They're each $100+ though. I have the first one from when i was at Occidental College but that's it. I need to brush up on my calculus anyhow, three years off and I had forgotten how to differentiate. I've also forgotten the significance of "e^x" and can't seem to find a definition anywhere. I've got to put a notebook together for work on how to pay & bill people with emails proving I was told to do it this way just to have something to reference with confidence. my x-supervisor's into telling everyone that everything's my fault and I'm catching on to how I'll have to prove that it's not. Luckly, unlike her, I'm very willing to say "I screwed up," make note of what I did wrong and how it should have been done, and I'm quick to put it right. I'm going to be really pissed if my camera doesn't arrive next week like it should. It's supposed to be available today for delivery next day air. I should get it Tuesday or Wednesday next week. I just have a bad feeling though. I was going to buy from pictureline.com but for the past two months it's said "should be shipping in 2-6 weeks. exact shipping dates are not yet available." The six weeks has passed and they've given me no updates. I can't seem to find any good books to read on anorexia. They're all either poorly written, note religious views for recovery, are based on initial pressures to lose weight for one sport or another and I can't can't relate. The more times I read Wasted the less I can relate. I'm the opposite person from Marya H. and I think it's going to take a lot more than being "tired of being sick" to get me over this. My therapist wants me to come up with a goal for the new year, the only food-related goal I could honestly make was to lose these "extra" pounds. I can't honestly tell anyone I want to get better, I don't even have the desire to search for a reason to get better. Weight and size are all that matter right now, as much as I hate to admit it. Like I said before, I'm too busy starving myself to notice that I'm already too skinny. Apparently my teeth get transparent really quickly which I don't quite understand, but my hair's falling out again, my skin doesn't want to heal (what's up with that?), and when I try to tell myself it's okay to have some rice, or a muffin at work, a plain bagel, i never get past the initial thought. I always go back to how much weight it's going to make me gain. I bought a vegan cook book a few weeks ago, I have no idea what I was thinking. I obviously hadn't stepped off the anorexic cliff yet. I'm sick of the material on the site, I wish I could come up with stuff to update. Last year I made the goal to stop cutting and I think I've done pretty good with that, as hard as it was, but the food isn't going to work like that. With the cutting, I had to sit and remind myself that it never helps as much as I'm needing it to at the time and I have to live with hiding the cuts for a month. It became more of a hassle than it was worth. Lots of scars though, I think if I didn't have them it would have been harder to stop. The scars are always there, even when I wear 3/4 length sleeves (as I almost always do) they show to whoever stands near me a work that I'm not the same as them, they don't know how different my mind works from theirs but it's enough. The weight loss has become more for me than to show others (sans my mother), like saying "if I have to live in this body I'm gonna like it damnit!" or something to that effect. Happy New Year! (it's 12:01am). We don't celebrate new years, my parents went to a play and as far as I know they went to bed already. I'll be 23 in 5 days. We're going to roast marshmellows in the backyard bonfire style with this new thing my mother got for christmas from "Santa" (my dad). "Santa" bought him a PlayStation2 last year which he doesn't play. I wonder how many calories are in a marshmellow. I've been sitting here trying to tell myself I don't have to do the bike tonight, it will be okay. But damnit it won't be okay! There's nothing to watch, I tried to watch normal television (which I haven't done for almost a year) and the first commercial I saw was about food. So I'm watching Harry Potter (3) for the gazillionth time. I'm listening to 30 second clips on Amazon.com's Music Sampler because I'm sick of all the music I have. I haven't found anything good yet. Oasis is way too naisaly for my taste these days. JoJo looked good but half the songs on the CD are a bit blah. Green Day is about the same, half are good and the rest are a little...obnoxious. Everclear put out a "Best of" but they're more of a "most popular" rather than their best. Maroon 5 has some really strange ones, I like "Sunday Morning" but others on the CD I can't stand. Maybe I'm getting depressed. There's so much I should be doing and in the back of my mind really want to do but I can't decide on anything, I keep convincing myself not to. Wow "Fire Maple Song" by Everclear is really bad. I don't even know what CD that's on. From "World of Noise" earlier I didn't think they were worth listening to. But now I listen to them almost religiously. Their songs never get old. I loved 3 Doors Down's "The Better Life" but "Away From the Sun" is really weak. It sounds way too much like Nickleback which I hate. "The Better Life" had such a different sound. It really stuck out there as something new. Unfortunately, it's all I listened to when I was at my worst at Occidental so it's usually best that I don't listen to it anymore. I used to listen to the song "Be Like That" over and over for days. Okay I'm getting on my bike.
I had so planned on writing tonight. My computer wasn't running properly so I did a virus scan. It found 3 infected files so I went to symantec and got the removal program which kept getting "stuck" on a particular file in the "i386" folder. I ran check disk (chkdsk /f) like instructed by the Microsoft error reporting site, ended up just deleting the file since it was just in the installation folder anyhow. Then the removal program got "stuck" in the "recycle" folder where the file had been moved to when I deleted it. Each time I have to run the program over from the beginning. I have around 250,000 files on my computer so you can guess where that puts me. Two hours on the bike in the interim, did my wash, watched two movies twice each. I couldn't even get on the internet because it required that the internet connection be turned off, so the server was down too (sorry if this effected you in any way). I don't have to work tomorrow but I have to be up at 11:00 at the latest to see my therapist. I'm terribly sick and everyone kept telling me today to go home and go to bed early tonight. 4am's pretty early in the morning don't you think? *shrugs* I've got all weekend to sleep. I'd like to just stay up and go to bed after my appointment but I'm feeling I need to be conscious for it. I also feel a scolding coming on. Well, the removal program's only to the P's so I'm gonna go whiten my teeth (lot of good it does me) and turn in.
I'm not there yet, I can't see the bones in my legs. Unfortunately, if I go further I think I might be in for a bad time. Not that I'm in a great time now but I see how my food's being cut out. Quite easily in fact and almost completely. 7-14 low-fat rice cakes a day coupled with three hours on the bike isn't, even in my state, enough food to survive on. Weird things happen in my head. I'm sick right now, head cold from someone over Christmas but I think I wouldn't be much better off even without it. As good as exercise is for you, it's making me feel worse. Blowing my nose makes me dizzy as hell. Skinny? Oh I was too busy blacking out to notice. How can this be glorified by those selfish pro-ana people? Only those who feel lonely in their disease, who want a death mate, or who aren't sick enough to know how bad it is would actually cheer each other on. I've been there I know. And now I'm here and I know this too. It sucks. And now i don't think I can get back out. Anyhow, I ordered my camera which should arrive on my birthday of all days (a week from Thursday). I finally saved up over $2500 and got some added help from Christmas gifts. I also pre-ordered Marya Hornbacher's new book that's coming out February 2005, The Center of Winter. I ordered the following books as well: Nothing Left But Skin, Slim to None, Diary of an Anorexic Girl, and Life-Size. I don't know if they're any good but the people reviewing them on Amazon seemed to think they were okay. I've got a three day weekend for new years and I am going to sleep through as much of it as I can. I've got to shake this cold. I think I want the Legally Blonde 2 soundtrack. It's some great music. Avril Lavigne's on it. Well, I'm going to go find something else on this site to update. I'm sick of writing.
I'm absolutely agonizing over the [hopefully unrealistic] notion that my thighs and stomach have expanded incredibly over the past 24 hours. Why can't I just waste away and die while it's relatively simple? I hate all this worry over size and weight and ultimate quest for recovery. I saw, a couple days ago, the unpleasant way that I appeared in the mirror, I see something unpleasant today but this time the opposite "fat" comes to mind. My view changes so rapidly I dread walking to the mirror to dress, to check my make-up, my hair. The size and existence of my body below never ceases to make my worth disappear. I'm so tired of this, I wish I could just die of the complications that follow starvation and be done with it. And never again have to worry about being too much or about accepting defeat and searching for recovery. It would be so much simpler.
I'm wide awake, I chose not to take my Trazadone this time because I thought I was tired enough to sleep on only the Sonata. I was wrong. I woke up hungry and ate, maybe that will help me sleep. I've got to get the new Green Day CD. Or at least a single for Boulevard of Broken Dreams, the American Idiot CD as a whole doesn't thrill me. I freezing, I took the blanket from on top of my bed and instead put it between me and the sheets because my body heat wasn't helping much.
Double click any word on this page for a definition.
Using Firefox? Enable definitions by downloading the extension. Sorry, this feature does not currently work in Opera or Safari.
