Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
Wanting to cut is becoming a nightly routine for me. I want to cut so I find something to distract myself which makes me get on my bike later and go to bed later. I hate being tired all day at work but I have to do my exercises to keep my head on straight the next day. I got a little done today which is more than usual, but not as much as I'd like. Christmas will be here in just a few weeks and my sister's present is really taking me a lot of time and effort. At work we got roped into a Secret Santa thing which means I'll have to do more shopping next weekend once I find out who I've got and what they want. I won't find out until the end of the week though. It's a $25 minimum which I think is ridiculous since I don't work with any of these people, nor does my co-worker, and this is a billing department thing. We're not part of the billing department. I hate the holidays as it is and on top of it we're exchanging gifts the Thursday before Christmas at a 6pm party after work (in one of the conference rooms) which means I'll have to work extra long hours to make up for that being a really short day. I usually work until 8pm and on Thursdays I have 3 hours less time to work because I see my therapist at 4pm. So, I'll have to make up 5 hours in three days, which means three ten hour days. Urgh! I hate the holidays! My mother's really crabby and hasn't paid me back for my therapy, she's now four weeks behind in paying me back and I know if I ask she'll yell at me about it. But she's the one who's pushing to buy me all this stuff for christmas that I don't really need. what I need is for her to pay for my meds like she said she would (which is another thing she never paid me back for) and to just keep up on paying me back for therapy. I always have to ask her for it which I hate. I just want to sleep and stay asleep and not have to see anybody ever.
Well, as much as I'd like to say I'm impressed with the candid journal entries in The Anorexia Diaries, I'm actually finding that it is rushed through and isn't a very great read. I could just as easily go and pull out my own journals from the past several years and read similar thoughts and feel that my journals are more realistic. To make things worse, the mother is a psychotherapist which is not your typical family situation when it comes to eating disorders. Things seemed to appear and be immediately dealt with. I binged for four years, starved myself almost completely for one year and cut my arms and legs to bits before I got to a hospital, only because my therapist dragged me there against anything my mother would have allowed (and almost without her knowing). My parents joked about my food habits, and either denied anything was wrong or claimed to know more than my doctors for all the years I struggled before hitting bottom. And now, coming up on four years later, I'm still in the thick of it. My parents still don't take it all very seriously. Anyhow, just got off my bike (2 hours as usual these days) so I'm off to bed. I should get some things done tomorrow. I wish I didn't have to go to work Monday.
I just picked up The Lost Soul Companion (Two) A Book of Comfort and Constructive Advice for Black Sheep, Square Pegs, Struggling Artists, and Other Free Spirits, the first one was really good so I thought I'd try the second. I also got The Anorexia Diaries which I'm not sure if it's going to be that good but I thought I'd read it, I've read all the others, and Instant Gratification: Cards which shows how to make really fancy greeting cards. I need a project so I thought I'd try this. Then I got a cool bookmark that has "Wisdom" in like Chinese or something and then it says "Wisdom begins in wonder. -Socrates" which I really need because I've been using the little price sticker on whatever book I'm reading as the bookmark. And I just had 14 grams of fat and 460 calories for dinner so I'm feeling a little fuller than I'd like but I'm gonna try and just deal for a while because I need to have a bit more energy before I can get on my bike. I'm tired though. I want to go to sleep. At least tomorrow's only Sunday. Well, I'm putting Girl, Interrupted on so I'm gonna go watch that for a while.
I'm still really restless, even after 14 hours of sleep. I'm gonna go shower and go hang out at Borders. Maybe that will force me back into my head. Borders is still open at 9pm on Saturday right? Maybe I'll find another book to read or something. Or maybe a project to do. Or I could just come home and work on another box (see c. 2001 entries). I've got tons of cardboard boxes I can use. Later.
"i expect that i will always be the kind of person who is too much aware of the boundlessness of chaos"~Carolyn Kettlewell
"the dizzy rapture of starving. the power of needing nothing. by force of will i make myself the impossible sprite who lives on air, on water, on purty."~Kathryn Harrison
"people like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion"~Albert Einstein
"i know the bottom she says; know it with my great tap root: it is what you fear. I do not fear it: i have been there"~Sylvia Plath
"you can close your eyes to reality but not to memories"~Stanislaw J. Lec.
My Wasted book is missing. Not that I'm looking to read it but I don't like it when things like that go missing. My mother would definitely go so low as to take it. There were two guys in my room today delivering a new mattress (my early x-mas present). I hate it when people go in my room. I went and hid in the kitchen of all places. I don't have any control over what they touch or look at or anything. I'll sleep better at night not knowing. Anyhow, I've got too many damn things going through my head to get anything done. My room is as clean as I can get it, I could hang more MK pictures up but...they don't help any or make me feel better or stronger or anything. They're just something to think about during those moments when that snow starts. I finally found black nail polish at HotTopic.com, seen as I can't shop at Rite-Aid anymore and no where else that I'm willing to go to carries it. I ordered Amy Brown Fairie checks from StylesChecks.com because I'm sick of the plain old ones and I'm down to my last book of checks. Take a look at them here: Preview. It opens in a new window. You can add a saying to it so I added "The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain.-Lord Byron" with a fairie cut in the top left corner. I'm so terrifyingly restless, this is how I am when I cut and I want to get on my bike but I'll just sit and mull over how badly I want to do it and what with for the whole two hours I'm on it. Maybe I'll read a bit first. I've now read all the Harry Potter books and the third, fourth and fifth books twice (I'm almost done with the fifth...again.) and I have the third playing on DVD (I've watched it about 8 times since Tuesday). I was thinking of trying Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events next since the next Harry Potter book won't be out for several months. Well, I made my new bed (and then slept in it), I cycled in new water in the fish tank (now the small one, Ollie, is swimming back & forth with his side to the gravel like he's playing), I went to the store for calcium supplements. It just hit me that I ate pasta for dinner so I'm getting on my bike now before I have a breakdown and get too depressed about it. Then I'm going to bed, I'm exhausted.
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