Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
I can't sleep. I get a few hours and then I wake up, and for the next few hours I lay there worrying about too many people at once, about too many things going on in my life. Too many people giving me advice that they're not living up to. I want to tell them to go to hell. Whenever I see my aunt she never fails to ask me if I've lost weight. Those are always the first words out of her mouth after "Hi". I want to say back to her "Well you're really filling out." When they got here Saturday evening my mother was waiting for it and somehow I had blocked out all the stressful thoughts I had been thinking just two minutes earlier and was caught by complete surprise. I felt so sick I almost passed on dinner that night, alone in my bedroom. I chose not to join them at the restaurant. My uncle, in his perfect world, seems to suck out all the joy in a night out with the family. It just wasn't worth it.
do you just get over things like rape? do you ever get over them? do the flashbacks become less frequent? the nightmares less intense? do memories become less painful? does touch ever become a good thing? all these things kind of ebb and flow in and out of my daily activities, my daily life. Everything slows down and fades away. What's in my head starts to become real. It starts to overshadow things that are real. What's real disappears and it's like everyone in my life, the passers-by, brief encounters, that guy walking down the street, they all know. They know that I'm weak, that I'm worthless, and broken. And then when the day passes by, when I'm home alone, blinds closed, I'm safe again, at least for a while, until I have go out again, until I have to sleep, let my mind wander, when i'm no longer in control. I didn't sleep for five years, and now, suddenly, I can't do it. Sleep is inevitable.
How do you talk about sadness, about feeling alone? It's matter of fact. It's a pain that simple words don't heal. when you talk to make it better and it doesn't, it only hurts more. it's best to be alone when you're lonely. that way you won't be let down.
I slept all day. I mean ALL DAY. It felt really good. But then I slept some more. I got nothing done, didn't even do my yoga last night, tonight I'm just so sedated from sleeping so much that I don't know if I can even motivate myself to do it. I got the New York City Ballet Workout, but it's #2, there's no way I'd make it through, it wouldn't even make me feel good to try it. I've got to get the first one. I need a Pepsi to wake up, but my dad got them for my mother. They make me so wired, I'd get so much done. I have to get up early, it's father's day and I don't have a card. Fuck it I need a soda. I've been told things get less tiring after a while, going out gets less ... draining. I hope they're right. I can't keep up like this.
I'm so sick of my sister bitching all the time about her job when she's had so many other better paying, awsome jobs offered to her. She keeps saying she's gonna leave it, applies elsewhere and after she gets a great job and turns it down, she bitches some more. I'm sick of hearing her say she's gonna do something and then doesn't. I'm done believing her, when she finally leaves, then I'll believe her. I think I'm doomed to forever be locked inside, I try going out, I do it over and over and nothing gets better, in fact it seems to just get worse. I went to the airport today with my cousin, and that was more stressful than going to the book store and I didn't drive or even get out of the car. I'm laying low for the weekend. In fact I seem to only get out of these pissed off moods by going for a drive, buying lots of books or CDs or movies. In the past two nights I've already gotten two books and two "workout" DVDs, one's Pilates and the other's the New York City Ballet Workout 2, unfortunately now I have to find #1 before I can do anything with it. I'm bored and I'm angry and tired and so fed up with all this crap. I need to just go for a drive but I don't have anyting to do once I get where I'm going, wherever that is. I've obviously run out of work to do, I need to design something or something. I've got way too much time on my hands. My site's about as done as I can get it right now, I don't know how else to advertise than how I already am, so all I've got left is to fill up my portfolio with stuff that actually matters rather than the crap I've got there. And I need a new design for the site. Maybe I'll work on that as well. It's just too boring for me. Who in their right mind would want to hang there? It's depressing.
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