Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
So...I'm not crying anymore. I can't even believe I was crying so much. I'm taking a new med three times a day. It makes me all...level. It's weird. I'm not sure I like being...level. I can fake laugh and fake smile so much easier. My mother's out watching some thing on the Central Park Jogger, she thinks I want to hear the details, TALK about it. She doesn't get it. She doesn't GET ANYTHING. She was talking to me last night about some thing on E! about Richard Simmons like it would help me to know that she KNEW what I was going through, she's SYMPATHETIC. She UNDERSTANDS. ... Maybe life's just an illusion, and WE KNOW, WE KNOW that it's not real. That it's not worth all the hassle. Maybe it WOULD be best to just be alone. I enjoy the people I know online. And when things don't go right, when I get screwed, whatever they're a machine. They're not real. If I'm tired of talking I can leave. They can't make me feel bad, afterall they're not real.
It's been another one of those days. I've spent the entire day online, working on sites, on webrings, and on other things. Every time I go outside my room I feel like I'm in the way, or like I'm one big fat red flashing siren yelling "I cut!!!" and my life is on hold because of it. I'm weak, but every bone in my body's saying not to eat. I'm so going downhill. I need to break down and eat something sooner or later, why not sooner? Because when I get out of the chair and walk towards the mirror, all I see is fat, everywhere fat. Yet my clothes couldn't be baggier and stay on me. I was looking at the cuts on my arm last night, smiling and thinking "god I missed you guys!" It's been so long. I mean what's the big deal huh? They're already healing and it's only been like a day and a half. And that was on 5 Ativan. I'm really very cowardly.
I bought new razors today. I've been sitting here pondering over what to do next. I just don't want anyone mad at me. Anyone meaning my therapist, because I know she can't call me, she would if she could. I've considered everything, oddly I'm not angry with anyone, I'm usually angry with someone. There's too many feel-bad feelings. I feel bad for this person, or this other person, and there's no one to talk to but myself, I really do think it'll make me feel better. I've cried almost every night in the past week and I'm tired of it. I know this will make that go away, it always does without fail. I guess I've done the best that I can do. I've put it off for three days and the feeling hasn't gone away. I mean it's not like I'm suicidal or anything, just tired.
I was just reading back on the april 6th entry. It's been one of those nights. there've been a lot of tears tonight, again. As for the trip, everything was planned, i wouldn't have had to do anything alone, and the afternoon before I lost control, it was all cancelled. everything. it would be so much easier if i could just be alone, always, talk to everyone over the internet, through voicemail, like they weren't actually there. like there was no one else in my world but me. everything would be so much better...
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