Updates: Media (lyrics) has a new layout. I could never figure out how to lay it out, but it's easier to navigate now. I'm still working on a better duplicate Mamblog mod. I'm trying to make submittions easier but the poetry form died for some reason. Quizzes are also on their way from the old site. Joomla content isn't very code friendly so I'm having to rewrite old code. You can still click on News > AH v21 > Screen if you wish to use the quizzes.
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known. ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp.
ROTTWEILER: Make me!
LAB: Oh, me, me????Pleeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I???
GERMAN SHEPHERD: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
TIBETIAN TERRIER: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture
POODLE: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
DOBERMAN: While it is dark, I am going to sleep on the couch.
BOXER: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb
IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover....
POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...
GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.
RAT TERRIER: How can I change the light bulb from under this blanket?
HOUND DOG: zzzzzzzz...z.z.z.z.z
CATS: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.
Bill Gate's speach to MT. WHITNEY HIGH SCHOOL in Visalia, California.
To anyone with kids of any age, or anyone who has ever been a kid, here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
RULE 1: Life is not fair - get used to it.
RULE 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3: You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
RULE 4: If you think your teacher is tough wait till you get a boss.
RULE 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping...they called it opportunity.
RULE 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't wine about your mistakes...learn from them.
RULE 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and...listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
RULE 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers...but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
RULE 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
1. Timing-Pick the right time to begin an argument. Late at night, during a favorite TV show, after several drinks, or just before your spouse has to leave for work are options. As a general rule, look for the time your spouse least expects it or is least able to respond. 2. Escalating-Move quickly from the issue, to questioning of personality, to wondering whether it is worth the effort to stay together (issue to personality to relationship). Interpret your spouse's shortcomings as evidence of bad faith and the impossibility of a happy relationship. 3. Brown Bagging-Try to list as many problems in as much detail as possible. Don't stick to the original issue, but rather throw in all the problems you can think of. Don't limit yourself to the present. If your partner can't recall the offense, so much the better. 4. Overgeneralizing-Use words like "always" and "never" as in "You are always late." This is likely to distract your partner into discussing the overgeneralization rather than the issue and insure further misunderstandings. 5. Cross-complaining-Respond to any compliant your spouse may raise with one of your own. For example, "Me late? Why, if it weren't for the fact that you never have any clean clothes for me...." If done peroperly you can balance complaint against complaint forever. 6. CrucializingExaggerate the importance of the issue with statements such as "If you really loved us, you would never have done it in the first place" or "This proves that you don't care." Never concede that an issue is not absolutely critical and in need of immediate resolution. 7. Asking Why-"Why didn't you clean up?" or "Why were you late?" will imply that there must be something terribly wrong with your spouse and that something more than simple problem behavior that might be easily resolved is at issue. 8. Blaming-Make it clear that the fault lies entirely with your spouse and that once again you are simply the innocent victime. Don't admit that your behavior plays any part in the difficulty. Make sure your spouse realizes that you will not change first. 9. Pulling Rank-Rather than depend on the merits of your argument, pull rank by reminding your partner that you make more money, have more education, are older or younger, or are wiser or more experienced in such matters. Anything that will enhance your status at your spouse's expense should be considered. 10. Not Listening, Dominating-Any time you appear to be listening you run the risk of suggesting that you value your partner's opinion. Consider talking while your spouse is talking, pretending to read, or falling asleep. 11. Listing Injustices-This is a great morale builder. By reciting every slight injustice or inequity you have suffered in the relationship, you will experience a renewed sense of self-righteousness. You can use this approach to justify almost any activity you have always wanted to engage in. For example, "Since you went ahead and bought that dress, I can buy a new car." 12. Labeling-By labeling somebody in a negative manner, you can create the impression that that person is totally at fault. Psychological labels, such as "childish," "neurotic," "insecure," or "alcoholic," are particularly effective in obscuring issues where you may be vulnerable. 13. Mind-reading-By deciding that you know the real reasong why someone is acting in a certain way, you can avoid having to debate issues. For example, "You only said that to set me up" or "You don't really feel that way" are particularly effective. 14. Fortune-telling-Predicting the future can save you the effort of really trying to resolve problems. "You will never change" or "It would be easy for me to change, but you won't live up to it" are statements that can protect you from having to make any efforts at all. 15. Being Sarcastic-This is a great way of saying something without having to take responsibility for it. If you can say, "You're so smart..." just right, you can imply that your spouse is stupid and deny that you said it at the same time. 16. Avoiding Responsibility-Although not a very elegant tactic, saying "I don't remember" can bring the discussion to an abrupt halt. Alcohol or fatigue can serve the same purpose as in "I must have been drunk." 17. Leaving-No problem is so big or important that it can't be ignored. Walk out of the room, leave home, or just refuse to talk. Sometimes just threatening to leave can accomplish the same ends without the inconvenience involved in actually leaving. 18. Rejecting Compromise-Don't back down. Why settle for compromise when with a little luck you can really devastate your spouse (and destroy the relationship). Stick with the "one winner" philosophy. 19. Personalizing-Anybody can resolve a conflict by sticking to the issue. Shift to personalities and you should be able to generate enough defensiveness to keep the conflict going forever. 20. Playing the Martyrif timed properly, this tactic can completely disorient the opposition. "You're right dear, I am hopeless" can stop your spouse cold. And example of a less subtle form is "How could you say that after all I've done for you?" An extreme form is to threaten to kill yourself if your spouse doesn't shape up. 21. Using Money-"If you made as much money as..." or "When you make as much as I do, then you can have an opinion" are old favorites. 22. Using Children-"If you spent more time with them, they wouldn't be failing" or "Do you want them to grow up like you?" can always be used unless you are so unfortunate as to have perfect children. 23. Using Relatives-"When you do that, you are just like your mother" can be used to break your spouse's concentration and undermine confidence. 24. Giving Advice-By telling people how to act, think, and feel, you can maintiin a position of superiority while insisting that you are only trying to be helpful. 25. Getting Even-Don't setting for a compromise or an apology. Hold grudges for as long as possible; you might need those complaints in future arguments. 26. Using Terminal Language-For example, if you happen to be upset by the fact that the room wasn't straightened, start with "you slob..." to suggest that it is your spouse's existence and not behavior that is at question. 27. Being Inconsistent-Keep your spouse off balance by changing your position. Try complaining that your spouse never talks to you and then ignore whatever your spouse says. 28. Others-This list should only be considered suggestive of the range of tactics to be drawn from. With patience and creativity, you should be able to come up with numerous innovations.
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